The New Disorder

"You must choose: strangulation at the filthy, groping hands of fanatics or cold, precise, non-ideological death from sixty thousand feet."
- Barack Obama to a roomful of College Democrats or Pakistanis

"The Church is Evil, yes! But answer me this: What Knowledge would you have of Evil without the teachings of the Church? Who taught you to recognize Evil? Who gave you the name by which you call it and the moral faculties to discern it? The Church! It is not you that condemns the Church but the Church that condemns itself and, in so doing, reasserts itself as Absolute." - Cardinal Dolan

"Occupation? That sounds costly."
"No, we just wall them off and rain down fire every time we have an itch."
"Ugly stuff. But the wogs only understand force."
- Winston Churchill's ghost visiting Ehud Barak in his dreams

"Do you think the Wall would be more effective if it were decorated with skulls?"
"Do you mean like Día de los Muertos?"
"Somebody get this asshole out of here."
- Benjamin Netanyahu, Charlie Rose

"Sorry, scabs, I'm Pharaoh now." - Anubis sends word to Gaza from President Morsi

"Given that the attack occurred simultaneously with protests around the globe, it might have been reasonable to posit, as only one initial, working hypothesis among many, that the attack may have been part of this global eruption of protest. Yet it was precisely because this was such a temptingly reasonable hypothesis that it had to be rejected. What's important is not whether the attack was spontaneous, premeditated, or some opportunistic combination of the two, but whether we have the resolve to label any and all offenses against our Empire and its glorious Reign of Peace as 'terrorism.' It's not a question of conclusions but of premises. If you will indulge me in a a somewhat academic digression, to call the attack 'terrorism' has no value as a descriptive or 'constative' speech act. It is instead a 'performative' speech act by which the speaker pledges his fealty to the Empire and patches the hole in our worldview left by rocket fire."
- David Petraeus, Congressional hearing on the Benghazi attack

"There's one thing we've got, and that is: a lot." - Xi Jinping

"I had a nightmare that no one was oppressed and we only had millions of dollars!" - Wen Jiabo to his wife

"Finally, I can breathe!" - Hu Jintao's hair

Kick Them When They're Down

"Isn't that tornado beautiful?"
"We're going to die here, aren't we?"
- Mitt and Tagg driving through rural Wisconsin to return unused victory fireworks

"Maybe my best years are behind me...."
"At least you can look forward to your chest flesh getting soft, hahahahaha!!!!"
- Justin Bieber and Kurt Russell, set of The Man Without Qualities

"What did I do to deserve this?!"
"Everything."
 - Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Pope Benedict Ratzinger
 
"I'm never going to get laid again am I?"
"Not with that weird and stupid penis, haw haw haw!!!!"
 - Rob Lowe and Scott Brown, 1988 Democratic National Convention in Atlanta

"God, Dad, what the hell have you done?!" - Tagg finds Mitt lying in a pile of discarded two-liters

"When we do cross-fit together and do the power lunges you look so damn foolish it's all I can do to keep from shitting myself.." - Janna Ryan to Paul Ryan

"Come on, baby, it feels nice." - Ann Coulter cutting a line of meth on her stomach for Tagg

"The first time we kissed I remember when that piece of apple fell from your mouth into mine. You really damned all my dreams to Hell." - Allen West to the golden skull he knows only as Nirgal

"At least elephants recognize themselves when they look in the mirror." - Karl Rove on Crossroads donors

"At times like this, what can I do but turn to my faith, which I know is only more alienating." - Mitt/Mike Huckabee

"That guy's a fucking psycho. You know I think he really does wish Obama the best." - Mitch McConnell

"You should really spay that thing."
"Get fucked."
- Bob Barker and Fmr. Sen. Kay Bailey-Hutchinson walking their dogs, Gulf Shores

"I want an MRI!"
"And I want you to take a damn shower."
- Harrison Ford coming out of a 'hash trip' and stumbling upon his family

"Democracy is total bullshit but we could easily handle it better than Florida." - Raul Castro

"I bet you've got that sweet gig ready for me now, eh?"
"Oh yeah, I proclaim you honorary Drone Pilot, haw haw haw!"
- The President brings Sen. John Kerry to tears

"How about we'll abolish welfare, but we'll also abolish the police?" - Chuck Schumer conducting the Grand Bargain

"I would have thought that, of all positions in the American government, the Director of the C.I.A. would be free of expectations of ethical conduct." - Daniel Craig

"I need to take this time to spend more time with my family because they hate me." - David Petraeus

"In celebration of our democracy and of our leader's glorious reelection, all detainees have been sentenced to a hundred victory laps around the compound!" - Joint Task Force Guantanamo commander Rear Admiral David B. Woods

"Hell, I'm so happy, I might even give them trials!" - Eric Holder

"I keep them here to remind me of the heavy responsibilities of leadership and the thrill of murder." - Obama explaining why the Oval Office is lined with photos of drone strike casualties

"The path forward is uncertain, but the potential for regression is infinite." - Jay Carney

Space Clinton Wins the Election!

"Love is just a moment!" - Space Clinton

"Everybody to the Grotto party!" - Subspace Biden

"Vote with your limbs!" - bandito Paul Krugman to the Anarcho-Arthropod Assembly

"A vote for Obama is a vote for whiskey and lawyers!" - Harry Reid, firing a silver pistol on the Strip, calling up the Vote

"There is no 'should' or 'should not.' There is only the pleasure of experience." - David Plouffe, placing your hand on the Lever

"The application of brutal political force can be a terrible and wondrous thing. I hate the drones, too, and I can't see them, but still I know they are beautiful." - Tammy Baldwin, victory speech

"We who are about to vote salute you!" - the Last Whites to the Emperors Koch

"Any predictions tonight, Wolf?"
"I see a sinkhole of vast size and strange shape in Omaha."
"What's at the bottom?"
"Diane Sawyer."
- Brian Williams, Wolf Blitzer

"I offer up this protest vote to you, O State of New York, in willing recognition of my own powerlessness!" - Donald Trump

"You can't throw a brick through a hologram." - Glenn Greenwald gives up

"Four hundred more years!" - Predator Drone XF-3897

"You made this possible!" - POTUS Obama to the Space Locusts

"I cannot tell you how relieved I am." - Guantanamo Bay detainee Shaker Aamer

"Ladies, gentleman, tessellated spheres..." - Shadow Candidate Romnoid, concession speech to Portal PAC

"Nothing happened tonight. These feelings are a simulation." - sexbot Paul Ryan

"I am the batman!" - Herman Cain steals the scene

"I wish I coulda been in, like, a Japanese hoverbike gang, you know?" - Ron Paul

"You kept me out of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, now I've killed your boy with my knife." - Sen.-elect Elizabeth Warren to Sen. Mitch McConnell

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe... PAC-ships on fire at Bohemian Grove... I've seen the sweat glisten on diabetics dancing in the darkness at Occupy Gate... All these moments will be lost in time, like votes in Maine..." - Tagg shuts down