We Watched the Superbowl

"Why'd I have the spinal fusion?" - Peyton

"Man, everyone is letting Peyton down!" - Father Christmas

"The whites fucked with the wrong defense." - William Tecumseh Richard Sherman

"I should just turn this shit off and watch Mitt. This won't tell me What Happened to the White Race." - Charles Murray

"This will hit the Business Class everywhere in the gut. They managed to profit off Sherman as both Sambo Thug and New Gen Hero but they lost the plot on the marketing of the White Man, their key mission. The Congo is yours but that doesn't mean you start smoking meth on the Hindenburg. This whole thing is so typical of the Doomed Wager of Western political rightists."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You're just using a bunch of words!"
"We're selling more pizza than ever, but that makes winning the actual game impossible!"
-  Papa John explains the Great Game to Joe Montana

"We're raising an entire generation that doesn't even know what States Rights really means!" - Haley Barbour in despair, NCAA Division I Girls Volleyball Committee meeting

"Meanwhile things are fine in Greater Israel." - ScarJo Soda Star

"It's like it's fucking prom night and he can't even get his dick up."
"Does he even have one?"
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"... and I can do it all while signifying nothing." - Bruno Mars winning final pitch for Superbowl Halftime Show

"These commercials really show that the Sandusky thing is in the past, pederasty is back in football." - Jimmy Johnson

"Nothing is pure! Nothing can simply be what it is! Everything exists only to be reduplicated for the purpose of making money!" - Laurence Fishburne

"Can love save us, Peyton?"
"Nothing can save us."

"Peyton will always be a Top 7 Rich Guy, but he sucks now, yeah."
"He had it coming either way."
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"Have you ever fucked an osprey?!" - Richard Sherman

"You can saddle a horse but you can't catch a cheetah much less ride one." - Philip Seymour Hoffman

"The Pizza Party is over, Whites get to the salad bar."
"But Peyton..."
"Omaha! Dressing!"
- Down times at St. Jude Children's Hospital

"It's over! You owe me a case of Charles Shaw, bud!" - Bill Clinton to Michael Jordan

PEYTON MANNING

Hear the shout of the football beast...
 
"Omaha Bravo Avocado 12!!!"

"You're all killing this team! Makin' plays makin' it!"
"Get this man in the Chamber."

"Why, oh why, do I have to be a hideous football genius?! Why can't I be a normal man!"

"All I can see is fires and devils, coach...."
"Alright get him off the field."

"The whites can fly!"

"Everything I love about this game is gone!" - Tom Brady

"Sack lunch! Dim sum! Protect the farmer! Heal the land! Eat his corn, fried and salted

--perhaps baked!"
- Marketing 

"He wears bear socks."
"We all support America here!"

"Coach, you've insulted my honor. Prepare to die."
- Richard Sherman 

"This isn't a fucking game! Sign the guestbook."

"Football will never again be as pure as it was during the First Gulf War." - Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf

"The half time show is inside a cellphone."
"Watch the Super Bowl on your cellphone you desperate fuck!"
-JB and the guys, Half Time Show 

"Tonight we honor Philip Seymour Hoffman." - President Obama, Superbowl Halftime

"Transmissions from above..."

"He's not calling plays, he's speaking in tongues!"

"You can't stop bear socks! Frivolity! Decadence!"

"Peyton Manning isn't human! I gave him my baby to kiss and he threw it into the sun!"

"Football is a pure oligarchy, the only thing at stake in the competition is status and the riches are justly shared among Management." - Owners Meeting

Visions of Gore

"Jesus, all you think about is sex." - Joseph Liebermann storms out of  Steam Room Session, Campaign 2000

"I can shout with a thousands voices, but they'll all die at once." - Al Gore

"Even though it was destroyed, people still worship at it's temple today." - Bill Clinton discussing Pompeii in a talk on "Legacy", TEDELITE Talks, Thiel Sea Colony

"Look, I mean, love is really intense. It's the most intense relationship you have with another person. Sometimes it's okay to hit each other."
"You need to go for a run."
- Al Gore and Bill Clinton, out fishing while Gore is crashing on Clinton's Harlem couch

"What else is there, Al? Money, status, overindulgence in food and drink, or a good grope?"
"Haw haw, naw, I just like makin' speeches and normal lovin'."
- The Boys on the Trail in '92, outside Beaver Creek

"Everything is so ugly and disappointing." - Al Gore

"The only thing that depresses me more than this life of inactivity is its opposite." - Al Gore

"Feminists should disfigure women who get elective cosmetic surgery." - Janet Reno

"Mother worked so hard to give me such a nice life but what she didn't tell me was life isn't nice." - Al Gore

"I should have been Mexican." - Roger Clinton

"But, Mr. Vice President is there evil out there in the world?"
"Why yes, of course, there are even entire galaxies made of Evil."
- Al Gore and Peter Jennings on ABC, 1998

"When you leave a tip at a takeout place or a cafe, do you do it so the server can see you to it, do you do it behind their backs, or do these kind of considerations not even arise for you?"
"I usually just slip it in their g-string."
"Do they love you for it?"
"No, but I pretend they do. That is, after all, what I'm paying for."
- Paul Begala and David Plouffe, Strategy Session over steaks at the Black Douglas, D.C.

"Thank God we didn't have any children."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
- Newt Gingrich and his wives

"I only jerk it in salt water." - Beach Clinton

"I can't get hard in this wind." - Gore in a Green Peace raid on Nova Scotian Seal Clubbing Ships

"I don't really have any hope of any kind for anything." - Al Gore to a tub of French onion dip

"I could have been a great president in the 90's." - Mitt 

"A subject of Empire lies forever in a safety web of sublimity, ruled by raw, inescapable power. A citizen of Rome knew no matter how far he traveled, he could never outrun the Empire. Hence the  irony of the citizen's heightened terror when faced with the ultimate punishment: exile." - Dick Cheney scaring the living shit out of Gore, December 2000, Naval Observatory

"If only I could meet a girl like Toni Collette." - Gore at Gulf Shores

"Men and women complete each other but in different ways. Women are dependent upon men to become actual, complete social beings and men depend on women to be real, actual psychological beings." - Justice Samuel Alito giving advice in an unsolicited call to Gore

"Horseless carriage? What's the point?" - Teddy Roosevelt becomes the first man to fuck a horse in battle

"I can't believe you won the Nobel Prize."
"Gosh! That's right, I did didn't I? Isn't that weird? I almost forgot."
- Al Gore on an OK Cupid date with a 23-year-old

"I'm not afraid of success, I'm disgusted by it!" - Al Gore casts his Prize into a volcano after deliberately shutting himself down on said date

"The policy makes sense, it's backed by the data, it's True. Just let the explanation wash over you. Wrap up and get warm in it. Don't kill the vibe, man." - Bill Clinton

"Is this what the left has been reduced to: moralizing nostalgia for inefficient business models?" - Al Gore shits all over the farewell party after selling CurrentTV to Al Jazeera

"Sometimes I just leave the water boiling just for the company." - Al Gore

"APHRODITE! Let me worship at your temple!" - Al Gore, banging to two fists on the front door of Tipper's home as the municipal police pull up, ending a three-day city-wide lock down

"There is not a lot you can put behind you in this life. Everything we do is recorded, scored, and quanitified in order to be used against us at every turn: our grades, our resumes, our credit histories, our criminal records, things we said or did in the public, in private. It all comes back to haunt you. The only thing you can really put behind you is your personal relationships. The freedom to burn bridges is the only true human freedom. That's why I'm begging you, please, stop calling me." - Tipper Gore

How Do You See Yourself, Actually

"The Savior of Russia." - Putin

"Anti-Pussy Riot." - Mikhail Khodorkovsy

"Christopher Nolan's Batman." - Barack Obama

"Prom King for Life." - Bill Clinton

"The main character in a Bruce Springsteen song. Maybe from one of the second tier albums." - Chris Christie

"As a plate of Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes." - Al Gore

"Definitely not evil." - Larry Page

"The reincarnation of the severed ghost samurai head in 'Zombie Nation' on the NES." - Shinzo Abe

"A living incarnation of the amorality of the profit motive." - the Bacardi corporation

"A winner!" - Fidel

"Fulfilling a prophecy!" - Dennis Rodman screaming 2 inches from Matt Lauer's face

"Not in the same whole as fucking Matt Lauer." - Katie Couric

"The girl everyone in the sorority can trust to keep their secrets and Alpha Delta Epsilon safe." - the NSA

"As some sort of giantoid asexual being, consuming and fucking all out of the same orifice."  - Karl Rove, Sensory Deprivation Decider Chamber, Bush Presidential Library, University Park, TX

"Oh, I'm just a regular bloke." - Prince Charles, Changeling ritual (as a bear), Hidden Oak Park

"Cattle." - the 2014 NFL Draft Class

"I see myself as a particularly compelling reboot of an already existing intellectual property." - White Male, ages 13-49

"A hero." - Salman Rushdie

"An artist." - Shia LaBoeuf

"A man." - Camille Paglia

"My son Tagg's greatest hero." - Mitt

"I look in the mirror and I don't see anything." - Michael Bay storming off stage

"Lucky to be remembered as sellout rather than as not really a great actor." - Patrick Stewart

"Miley." - Bieber

"Miley." - Billy Ray Cyrus

"Miley." - Mitch McConnell

"Woody Allen." - Roman Polnaski

"Lena Dunham." - Judd Apatow

"Anne Frank." - Anne Hathaway

"As the star of my own meme." - a doomed generation

"Drinking corn mash out of an expensive boot." - the Editors

"Aha! No, you won't trick me. That's the trap." - Antonio Banderas, windsurfing with Juan Carlos

"Through a glass, darkly." - George W. Bush

What's Your New Years Resolution?

"To safeguard Syrian democracy and execute the will of its people."
- Bashar al-Assad

"To host the safest Olympics ever." - Putin

"To host the safest World Cup ever." - Dilma

"To wage war on tribal Islam with killer robots." - Barack Obama

"Yellow glory!" - Xi Jinping, smearing butter on his waffles at Waffle House

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for a bunch of rocks in the middle of the ocean." - Shinzo Abe

"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for the cleanest apartment in Manhattan." - Devyani Khobragade

"To do a big budget reboot of Deliverance from the hicks' perspective." - Phil Robertson

"I think I'm going to take some quiet time and practice impromptu refueling of bombers in the desert." - Bibi

"I want to finally look like a real adult." - Leonardo DiCaprio

"I'm going to have two delicious cocktails every day." - Nino Scalia

"I want to find that penny the guard threw into my dark jail cell last year." - Pervez Musharraf

"I just don't want to die!" - Karzai

"To give birth to something that has no chance of failure." - Georgina Bloomberg

"To at least tell the truth to my children." - Lance Armstrong
 
"Maybe hook up with Rob Ford and build a flying black fortress of evil for me and my teammates." - LeBron James

"To throw away all the artistic credibility I gained last year with the help of Chuck Lorre and Sarah Jessica Parker." - Matthew McConaughey

"I just want to be a normal man and not a hideous football genius."
- Peyton Manning

"Lots of vitamin D." - Julian Assange

"Lots of Craigslist." - Edward Snowden

"Lots of money." - Glenn Greenwald

"To strip an entire turkey leg in one bite." - Megyn Kelly

"To find the lost tomb of Ronnie." - Peggy Noonan

"To enhance my personal prestige and combat capitalism in one fell swoop by writing Marxist analyses of hip hop music videos."
- the Ivy League Left

"I want to paint the wind." - George W. Bush

Stillbirth

"I am the illusion of human agency." - the last words of Nelson Mandela

"The moment is not worth living in." -  HM after Duchess Kate shows her Snap Chat

"Reports that human life is inherently valuable could not be independently confirmed." - Reuters coverage of a drone attack on a Yemeni wedding

"The Islamicization of Europe is what those people get for letting down Communism." - Ilich Ramírez Sánchez

"You can help the poor and love everyone as a Catholic should, but the best thing is to Obey." - Pope Francis

"Come now, Mao did what any man would have done with that much power." - Jeff Bezos

"Stop gawking, now sit down and have a drink!"
"But I don't drink..."
"You do now! You'll drink if you want to be Supreme Leader."
- Chelsea Clinton and Georgina Bloomberg, Scores, Singapore

"You can't fail: you have the blood!" - Harvard Finishing School Dean of Grade Inflation

"Nothing in early adulthood is as demoralizing as watching class interest slowly impose itself on one's friends." - Lena Dunham

"I'm so important to human freedom and equality with my boring opinions and deluded self-image." - Ruth Bader Ginsburg heroically dies on the day of the inauguration of President Marco Rubio

"I'm a feminist, but I come first." - Devyani Khobragade

"Nothing a celebrity does is feminist." - Beyoncé

"I pardon your cunt." - Putin frees Pussy Riot

"My relationship to sex and violence is the same: they are all I think about, all I desire, and confronted with the opportunity to engage in either in real life, I shrink away, first in fear, then in disgust." - Cardinal Dolan to a sack of White Castle sliders

"I've always felt like sex was a club to which I was never invited and was only ever admitted to by mistake or force." - Ariel Castro

"I remember when me and Roger used to sneak under the house and read pulp novels. In a way, nothing's changed." - Bill Clinton

"Jesus, somebody get this guy a fucking treadmill." - Rafael Correa visits Julian Assange in the Embassy Taffy Room

"I'm lucky to have had the failures I've had. They enabled me to see more clearly the meaninglessness of it all, to understand, through direct, lived experience, the futility of all our efforts, the final and absolute impossibility of any hope. But this knowledge is cursed, for the same experiences that have enlightened me discredit me in the eyes of others. They think that I'm just a failure, but the truth of my failures is the failure of truth." - Al Gore

"Despair, superfluous man!" - Edward Snowden

"Hey there, corpsefucker. How's it going? Gonna fuck some corpses? Sure is a good day for corpsefucking." - Mitt Romney greets Tagg in the morning

What Wouldn't Adorno Do?

"'Good television' is the nadir of civilization." - Adorno

"How will the white flesh escape harm this week?" - the American filmgoer

“Used to be you had to see how bad life was for yourself. Now we've got the pictures." - Cary Grant burying a whore's body

"Bad as they are, we should really give movies more credit for not being television." - Lena Dunham

"One day I'll be an auteur and everyone will know my talent." - Brian DePalma to no one

"I walked out of a screening of Zardoz because the audience was being disrespectful." - Frederic Jameson

"Your bird there, why, she's very unusual."
"Yeah, from the islands! Haw haw haw!"
- Michael Caine and Albert Finney

"God, those tits are awesome, man." - Michelangelo to Boticelli

"It looks like we almost get to see Jennifer Lawrence's breasts in this movie!" - the Maxim reader discovers an ad for American Hustle 

"The murder of Reeva Steenkamp is the truth of the lad's mag." - FHM

"A white man hitting his wife: now that's theater!" - Modernists 

"Actually, I think of my works as comedies." - Strindberg strangling his wife

"To picture evil, make an evil picture." - Koji Wakamatsu

"What makes diners so sacred is that all the cooking is done by men. It's like Lawrence of Arabia." - Bill Clinton 

"Man, this race music is hot!" - Macca

"I don't know it's a little lavish..."
"Aww bitch, money and drugs are always close at hand!"
- Sen. Howard Baker and Elton John, Atlanta Hilton 1973

"I'm afraid my Sega Genesis has come to life and wants to kill me." - Thom Yorke

"I did the soundtrack to all the Sonic games!" - Herbie Hancock

“I’m inside the jazz!” - Rahsaan Roland Kirk

“Chiming ATM’s have more fun.” – Brian Eno, the Danny Boyle of sound

“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
– Adorno and Cioran deciding whether to destroy Eno’s entire discography or just everything since 1976

"I invented Daft Punk, man." - Neil Young drinks pure surgar cane ethanol while discussing Trans at an unlisted Tech Retreat, Marin County

"Nothing should ever be this damn smooth." - Adorno casts a copy of Coltrane and Hartman into the fireplace

"Not a just job. Just a job." - from Jean-Luc Godard's commercial for Volvo Dynamic Steering

"I'm so lost." - Jim Carey

"Be extremely handsome and try very hard." - Michael Fassbender on how to be an actor

“George. George, what is it.”
“I just want it to mean something.”
“What do you mean?”
“My life. This place. Other people. I don’t know.”
- George Clooney, staring off into space in South Sudan

“Protect the crop!” - Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar fights off meth zombies at the Bedtime for Bonzo Memorial Marihuana Gardens, Bohemian Grove

"I've discovered that the venomous species of spiders speak a more refined and entirely distinct speech from the non-venomous variety." - Van Gogh very loudly as he and Gaugin lie down to sleep, the apartment

"If I had known that all of Western Marxism would one day be nothing but a means to extend the consumption of commodities under the guise of critiquing them, I would have stuck to composing music no one listens to." - Adorno

"Why paint a picture when to drink is so much sweeter?" - Peter O'Toole

“In defeat, serenity.” - the Left

"Don't be a hick." - Stalin