"The Savior of Russia." - Putin
"Anti-Pussy Riot." - Mikhail Khodorkovsy
"Christopher Nolan's Batman." - Barack Obama
"Prom King for Life." - Bill Clinton
"The main character in a Bruce Springsteen song. Maybe from one of the second tier albums." - Chris Christie
"As a plate of Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes." - Al Gore
"Definitely not evil." - Larry Page
"The reincarnation of the severed ghost samurai head in 'Zombie Nation' on the NES." - Shinzo Abe
"A living incarnation of the amorality of the profit motive." - the Bacardi corporation
"A winner!" - Fidel
"Fulfilling a prophecy!" - Dennis Rodman screaming 2 inches from Matt Lauer's face
"Not in the same whole as fucking Matt Lauer." - Katie Couric
"The girl everyone in the sorority can trust to keep their secrets and Alpha Delta Epsilon safe." - the NSA
"As some sort of giantoid asexual being, consuming and fucking all out of the same orifice." - Karl Rove, Sensory Deprivation Decider Chamber, Bush Presidential Library, University Park, TX
"Oh, I'm just a regular bloke." - Prince Charles, Changeling ritual (as a bear), Hidden Oak Park
"Cattle." - the 2014 NFL Draft Class
"I see myself as a particularly compelling reboot of an already existing intellectual property." - White Male, ages 13-49
"A hero." - Salman Rushdie
"An artist." - Shia LaBoeuf
"A man." - Camille Paglia
"My son Tagg's greatest hero." - Mitt
"I look in the mirror and I don't see anything." - Michael Bay storming off stage
"Lucky to be remembered as sellout rather than as not really a great actor." - Patrick Stewart
"Miley." - Bieber
"Miley." - Billy Ray Cyrus
"Miley." - Mitch McConnell
"Woody Allen." - Roman Polnaski
"Lena Dunham." - Judd Apatow
"Anne Frank." - Anne Hathaway
"As the star of my own meme." - a doomed generation
"Drinking corn mash out of an expensive boot." - the Editors
"Aha! No, you won't trick me. That's the trap." - Antonio Banderas, windsurfing with Juan Carlos
"Through a glass, darkly." - George W. Bush
