"To safeguard Syrian democracy and execute the will of its people."
- Bashar al-Assad
"To host the safest Olympics ever." - Putin
"To host the safest World Cup ever." - Dilma
"To wage war on tribal Islam with killer robots." - Barack Obama
"Yellow glory!" - Xi Jinping, smearing butter on his waffles at Waffle House
"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for a bunch of rocks in the middle of the ocean." - Shinzo Abe
"To pay fifty cents on the dollar for the cleanest apartment in Manhattan." - Devyani Khobragade
"To do a big budget reboot of Deliverance from the hicks' perspective." - Phil Robertson
"I think I'm going to take some quiet time and practice impromptu refueling of bombers in the desert." - Bibi
"I want to finally look like a real adult." - Leonardo DiCaprio
"I'm going to have two delicious cocktails every day." - Nino Scalia
"I want to find that penny the guard threw into my dark jail cell last year." - Pervez Musharraf
"I just don't want to die!" - Karzai
"To give birth to something that has no chance of failure." - Georgina Bloomberg
"To at least tell the truth to my children." - Lance Armstrong
"Maybe hook up with Rob Ford and build a flying black fortress of evil for me and my teammates." - LeBron James
"To throw away all the artistic credibility I gained last year with the help of Chuck Lorre and Sarah Jessica Parker." - Matthew McConaughey
"I just want to be a normal man and not a hideous football genius."
- Peyton Manning
"Lots of vitamin D." - Julian Assange
"Lots of Craigslist." - Edward Snowden
"Lots of money." - Glenn Greenwald
"To strip an entire turkey leg in one bite." - Megyn Kelly
"To find the lost tomb of Ronnie." - Peggy Noonan
"To enhance my personal prestige and combat capitalism in one fell swoop by writing Marxist analyses of hip hop music videos."
- the Ivy League Left
"I want to paint the wind." - George W. Bush
