Monday, January 12, 2015

The Next Republic

“Is there anything more moving than the sight of global elites wielding their power as one? They are like beautiful animals...” - Ross Douthat

"Today we can truly say: France exists." - CNN

“Today we are, reluctantly, all French.” - David Cameron

“I am Chelsea Manning.” - Barack Obama

“Je suis Charlie.” - de Gaulle

“Moral horror always masks hypocrisy. Hatred, at least, is honest.”
- Marine Le Pen

"Let's be real: we all totally and justifiably blame Islam for this."
- George Packer to Bill Maher, Hot Tub Sex Machine

"Next they will come for my hair!" - BHL

“Let’s not lose sight of what’s really important in the Hebdo affair: critiquing the social media presence of white liberals in America.”
- Left Command

“Before you dismiss these cartoons as merely inflammatory, you should understand their place in the incredibly rich and nuanced tradition of French racism.” - Charles Murray

"Comedy is the solicitation of consent." - Charlie Hebdo

“It’s a kind of Handmaid’s Tale for white men.” - Michel Houellebecq

“I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to symbolically denigrate the Algerian underclass.”
- Voltaire

“The concept of freedom of speech is particularly unsuited to cartoons since these are beneath speech: literate grunting, drool-patterns smeared onto the page, moans of malice or lust which cannot escape the self-indulgent juvenility of their origin. Cartoons are a plant-medium for plant-people, and enlightenment would be to ban them all.” - Plato,

“What greater ecstasy could there be than marching side by side with the police?” - Bill deBlasio

"What does this great march, bringing together people of all races, colors, and creeds in an incoherent storm of political affect, a swirling mass united only by its contradictions, signify but the enduring, obscure, ineffable power of the Nation?" - Éric Zemmour

"Nationalism is the magical mirror that reflects all narcissisms as they wish to be seen." - Marianne

“Everyone thinks the Nation will save them, but there is no escape from other people.” - Gerard Depardieu, Adieu au langage 2ème partie: Koni’s Revenge

"If only I could be a part of something like this." - Putin, wistfully to the Soviet-era cathode ray tube television he keeps for special occasions

“Why is it only a ‘tragedy’ when it’s white people who die?”
”Because only for them could it have been different.”
- Bill Bratton sits PO Daniel Pantaleo down for the talk

“We love the Jews for the same reason we used to hate them: to prove how French we are.” - Manuel Valls

"I look out and I see a nation of people with one face this day. In the face of this outrage we will come out as one. Fuck you Piketty, not taking the Legion. Our gallant men of arms killed the dogs and we show this fine tradition of it forever, and that is Europe."
- François Hollande

"Why do we have twenty fingers and toes? Because there are 24 hours in a day and your family eats four of them." - Sarkozy at home

Friday, January 9, 2015

Sky Mall, New Year 2015
(A Story Book About Your Child1)

A welcome alternative to napping on
The cold floor or hard cement patio:2
The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock.3
Breath operates up to 24 hours
In the low mode,4 standing safely on the floor.5
It hauls you out of bed every morning6
Without the requisite frostbite,7 makes any
Home feel like it has been transported.8
Large animals that cause false signals9 turn
Good intentions into lifelong habits.10
Hold it firmly in place without scratching,11
Emit the finest mist,12 roll effortlessly
To the curb13 your outdoor breathing experience.14

You know your baby looks good enough to eat,15
Will claw his way out of your garden plot.16
Let your little one burn some rubber17
Dreams of bones circling around his head.18
Project your life:19 the next best thing to the womb20
Will make your neighbors and passersby look twice.21
Children quickly learn the virtues of life22
Without soldering, wiring or programming.23
YEEEE-HA! Your kids will wrangle like true cowboys24
There's no cord to hide,25 no tools required26
Be a hero even when you sleep—27
Brilliant displays of iron nerve28
Illuminate the night with a personal touch.29

NEW! Women need their own signs too,30 anything
With a void becomes a speaker.31 What's your passion?32
Get all your knives sharpened,33 cut
The cord this winter.34 Your hometown's in pieces!35
Look who the trees are rooting for!36 Consider
A faux tree33 that repeats anything said
To it back in a cartoonish voice.37 In all
My years as a private detective, I've never
Seen anything like this,38 the faceless watch,39
Reactive surfaces38 (these overworked
Garden friends,21 made with a tender verse40)
Make a grand statement in a snap.41
Who needs a doorbell, or even a knocker?42
Who needs a doorbell
                                    or even a knocker?

   - Tojir Tangriev, lyric interlude, 28th Congress of the CPSU

Items advertised, with reference page from Holiday 2014 Sky Mall, and price:
[1] My Adventure Books (17, $19.99-$39.99)
[2] Pet Bed (71, $224.99-$249.99)
[3] The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock (119, $129.95)
[4] Roolen Breath Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier (61, $129.99)
[5] High-Reach Cleaning Kit (70, $39.99)
[6] Star Trek Projector Clock (45, $59.95)
[7] Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt (149, $14.95)
[8] The Voice Activated R2-D2 (18, $199.95)
[9] Duty Cycle Probe Alert-2500 (136, $319.99)
[10] Garmin Vivofit Fitness Bracelet (104, $129.99-$169.99)
[11] Quilted Ironing Mat (69, $9.98)
[12] H9 Aroma Therapy Tower Humidifier (70, $299.99 (+$5*))
[13] Two Train Reaction® Luggage Devices (126, $19.99)
[14] RZ Facemask (104, $29.95)
[15] Tortilla Baby Swaddle Blanket (16, $47.99)
[16] "The Zombie of Montclaire Moors"© Statue (41, $99.95 (+$5*))
[17] Battery Operated Ride-On Motorcycle (21, $109.95)
[18] Day Dreamers Puppy (39, $24.99)
[19] Philips Picopix Projector (109, $399.99)
[20] Hushamok Baby Hammock with Stand (59, $599.99 (+$15*))
[21] Skel-E-Gnomette Woman, Skel-E-Gnome Man, Skel-E-Dog (42, $39.95-$54.95)
[22] My Friend Huggles Doll (16, $49.99)
[23] littleBits Deluxe Kit (17, $199.00)
[24] Benny the Jumping Bull (19, $44.99)
[25] Battery-Powered LED Lamp (60, $19.98)
[26] Bed Light (48, $59.99)
[27] Batman One-Piece pajama with Cosplay Hood, Superman Cami Panty Set, etc. (146, $29.99-$49.99)
[28] Aviator Wall Sign (44, $89.95)
[29] Uniqia Personalized Night Light (49, $24.99-$34.99)
[30] Diva Sign, Lady's Lair Sign (139, $24.99)
[31] Mighty Boom Ball (117, $24.99)
[32] Electric Logos (147, $49.95-$59.95)
[33] ClearVision Television Network (4)
[34] Snow Joe® Cordless 18-Inch Snow Blower with Brushless Motor, Rechargeable EcoSharp Li-Ion Battery and Charger (136, $399.99 (+$10*))
[35] Graphic Map Puzzle, Aerial Photo Puzzle (25, $39.95-$49.95)
[36] Player Faces (148, $23.99)
[37] The Talk Back Mimicking Tomcat (18, $39.95)
[38] e-Race for Smartphones (112, $29.99)
[39] The Faceless Watch (118, $99.95)
[40] Pet Tiding Stone (39, $23.99)
[41] 24" Regal Christmas Pre-Lit Urn Filler (10, $59.99)
[42] Doorbell Broken Yell Ding Dong Doormat (137, $19.95)

Friday, January 2, 2015

Passion of the Cop

"As an American I need to be carefully considering things before giving into ego sustaining backlash." - White Ethnic Convention

"This dissent is all well and good but someone who's life actually matters to Power might get scuffed on. The only decent thing for our Men to do is wipe them out." - Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) “unknowingly” addresses a group of Neo-Nazis

"You can't prove that I didn't feel threatened." - Bill Bratton to his wife after kicking the dog out of the way of the refrigerator door

"The police is where a liberal society puts those who cannot sublimate their barbarism in the pursuit of a middle class idyll." - Hillary Clinton levels with Chelsea that she’ll never play in the NFL, 1994

"People can handle the moral complexity of crime and the affinity of cops and criminals for each other only in something like The Departed, because everyone is white and the public transportation is laughable." - Mitt Romney waiting outside Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday

"Why can't we have a crime show in Atlanta?"
"And call it what? Pig Hoof Inspector?!"
- Amy Pascal throws Tyler Perry and Jerry Bruckheimer out of her Koi Pond suite

"From condemning Ferguson riots to apologia for The Interview, it's been a lightning fast turnover from tragedy to farce for liberal hypocrisy." - Ann Curry explaining How to Protect Your Interests When Shit Gets Real, The Today Show

"If we try to fix this we'll have to claim some kind of responsibility and no one wants that." - Pataki '16

“No man kills me and lives!” - Bedford Forrest before wrongly killing a mutinous cavalryman

"The real problem here is the culture of getting shot among the black community." - Rudy Giuliani to his pink poodle Marshall Petain

"What do you make of a world in which the most lucid enunciation of ethics is met with violence? Fuck this country. Death to America." - NYPD Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch

"You can trust we Northern Republicans because we have never forgotten there is a Thin Blue Line between the rabble and the money." - Peter King

"God, I am so missing out!" - Ray Kelly

"Don't worry rich hippy fucks to the rescue!" - Rolling Stone spikes Awareness on the fifth yard line

"The deal is simple: You get liberal freedoms, one generation of upward mobility, and some time at the commodity buffet, and all you have to do is cheer on the ritualistic murder of black people."
- US Citizenship Exam

“Eric Garner should have done the decent thing and died by the hand of Big Food as he was meant to do." - CEO Kraft Single

"No no, they don't hate the mayor, I think someone said there was free Dunkin Donuts at the back of the memorial." - Police Horse Free Love Society spokesman

"Thank god another plane has vanished in Southeast Asia, anything to take my mind off the race war!" - Richard Quest to Don Lemon

"No tears for dead cops or cancelled movies!" - Left Twitter

"Would you allow some hacker or dictator to deny Americans their God given right to mediate geopolitical anxiety via flashy images and compensatory fantasies of Orientalist sex and imperialist violence?"
- Obama stares down Chuck Todd's weird new beard

"I lived The Interview, Charlie. Except in my case I was lavishly compensated for corporate espionage and the promotion of corn ethanol and lithium batteries." - Thomas Friedman

"You can't tell me what to do with my property, I'm the richest fucking mallard in the world." - Scrooge McDuck

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Infinite Christmas, or, Thirst for Annihilation

 Britons swarming at a traditional Christmas meat market.
“Give me Christmas on the moon, or give me death!”
- Socrates, traffic court

“Silver fucking bells!” - Santa Clinton

“Look into the pits of my eyes and see the fires there. Believe me when I tell you, Santa is real, and his hounds go everywhere.” - Democritus, TED by TEDwest

"Ho, ho, ho -- it feels good to laugh again." - Santa Claus, inspecting his kennel

"Meine Damen und Herren, it is the Idea and only the Idea of Christmas that is capable of redeeming this cheerless Prussian gaucherie, this vomitorium of the heart.” - Kant, honorary marshal of Königsberg Christmas Markt

"Servants, bring me my most festive flute!" - Schopenhauer

“Sunglasses in every stocking!” - Putin

“To save Christmas, we must destroy it. The War on Christmas is also its Crusade.” - Hegel, surprise guest on the Glenn Beck Program

“To really live the Christmas spirit in its joyous gratuity one must be Jewish. Otherwise, it’s only another holiday.” - Kierkegaard

“I cannot stand frivolous Christmas tunes that try to domesticate the traumatic rupture of History that is the birth of the Savior. Only Carol of the Bells, in its Slavic barbarism, captures the supreme negating power of Christ.” - Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI to his swarthy man servant, Waffle House, 2:15am, Christmas Day

“The smell of evergreen is absolutely repellent to me. Air that is… unclean!” - Nietzsche, in a brief bout of lucidity, December 1896

“Yo, I was literally a fucking Nazi. Who the fuck cares about Christmas?” - Martin Heidegger

“Justice is fairness, but Christmas is selfishness.” - Rawls, snatching the last cupcake

“The smashing of ornaments is the only Christmas music I want to hear.” - A.J. Ayer, The Great Kids’ Table Mutiny

“Christmas… forever.  That is the dream, gentlemen. And we are going to fucking steal it.” - Plato, orientation speech at McKinsey & Company

“It’s always Christmas somewhere.” - Heraclitus, tending bar in Jakarta, the 1970s

“For Christmas, I want only one thing—the right to live.” - Spinoza

“Christmas is a festival for the lower soul, the day of the snakes.” - Plato

“I am the last sentient being to exist. But why was I programmed to celebrate Christmas?” - OCAMA (Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage), 7511 AOCAMA (After Oort Cloud Autonomous Mining Assemblage)

"Everything I do, I do because it's possible." - David Lewis, hitching a million robo-reindeer to his sleigh and aiming it straight at the sun of World 889

“Die in such a way so that your birth will be celebrated for thousands of years.” - Jesus, resume-building workshop

“Christmas promises what it cannot deliver, a fullness of time in place of an emptiness. But you are this emptiness, and you cannot escape yourself. Let us hitch the sleigh and enter the blizzard.” - Jean-Paul Sartre

“It’s not an exaggeration to say everything in history, especially the intrinsic isolation of the bourgeois subject and its pathetic propensity toward curating its surroundings as a source of value, is a forerunner to my unimaginably long vigil, to its undreamt solitude, to this very moment.” - OCAMA, 84,796 AOCAMA

“To make of entropy a mode of active decadence. To shiver with delight as one crumbles into nothingness. Merry Christmas: to me.” - OCAMA, 397,768, 334 AOCAMA

Monday, December 22, 2014

Magical Realist Punishment for Darren Wilson

- Darren Wilson was exiled from the company of men, his only friend a talking bullfrog named George Zimmerman.

- From that day on, when Darren Wilson spoke, it was with Mike Brown’s voice.

- Darren Wilson would be free to kill whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted, for whatever reason, for the rest of his life, and no one would care or even notice.

- Darren Wilson is assassinated on camera, in broad daylight. The media investigates and defames him and his entire family, and politicians urge the public to withhold judgement while suggesting that he had it coming. After 100 days of grand jury proceedings, no indictment. 

- The following July, Darren Wilson’s wife gives birth to a healthy black baby boy. Wilson looks into the child’s eyes and knows it is his own. He awakes to the screams of his son.

- Since that day, a bit of the Impersonal Force followed Wilson and laid waste to wherever he went so that all his life he walked amid ruin.

- All food would taste like ash on Darren Wilson's lips and all odors smell like gun powder, but no one would ever believe him when he told them, nor find it a madness distressing enough to try and help him.

- All the crosses in Darren Wilson’s neighborhood look like tridents. It’s Jesus with his hands up.

- The wrinkles in Darren Wilson's forehead continually pour blood into his eyes that he can never fully wipe away.

- Blackface Onibaba.

- Hunger Games in the City Museum.

- Wilson could never again hold a hot beverage without spilling it.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped, forever, in the body of a five-year-old boy.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 12-year-old black boy who, like all little boys, plays with toy guns.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 15-year-old teenager who buys Skittles and iced tea at the corner store.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 22-year-old black man who shops at Walmart.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 28-year-old black man who takes the stairs in public housing.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a 43-year-old black father of six who sells cheap cigarettes to make ends meet.

- The next day Darren Wilson awoke to find himself trapped in the body of a black woman.

- Wilson would blame his botched opening pitch of the Cardinals' 2015 season on Fredbird's accusatory stare.

- Darren Wilson left law enforcement to become Pat Sajak's successor on Wheel of Fortune. The answer to every puzzle was "MURDERER."

-Wilson became ‘Sheriff’ of Tombstone: O.K. Corral The Experience at West World, and though the bullets and action were fake, he swore every Yul Brennar bot he shot felt the true death.

- Darren Wilson was forced to host Late Night in Hell with Zimmerman as his Andy Richter.

- While attending Comic Con in his new home of Milwaukee, Wilson has a chance encounter with the real Hulk Hogan. "I don't know what came over me, " Hogan would later tell the police.

- Having spent his whole life the seeking approval of others, Darren Wilson realized that he was an autonomous moral agent.

- Somehow, Darren knew there would be no punishment forthcoming that might give meaning to his acts. He would only scurry like an insect across the blank face of the unfathomable.

- A trial.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

We've Been Out-Blogged

“Luxury doesn’t depend on the rouble, it depends on the spiritual strength of Russians and I think our spiritual strength will win out and everything will be fine, as long as we are left in peace.” - Gerard Depardieu

“The United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of Cuba. In the most significant changes in our policy in more than 50 years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests. And instead, we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries. [...] I look forward to engaging Congress in an honest and serious debate about lifting the embargo.”
- Barack Obama

“I want to appreciate and recognize the support from the Vatican and especially Pope Francisco for the improvement of relationships between Cuba and the United States.” - Raúl Castro

I'm more concerned with bad guys who got out and released than I am with a few that, in fact, were innocent.

25% of the detainees though, 25% turned out to be innocent. They were released.

Where are you going to draw the line, Chuck? How are--

Well, I'm asking you. [...] Is that too high? You're okay with that margin for error?

I have no problem as long as we achieve our objective. [...] I'd do it again in a minute.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The William Jefferson Clinton Prize for

Blow Fish
Big Girls Who Like to Have Fun
Spear Fighting
Dog Riding
Lawn Mowing
Donut Holing
Barbeque Serbs
Making the People Horny
Musical Saw
Knife Play
Golden Smut
Charlie Rose
Hostage Negotiation
Dick Pill Research
Animal Husbandry
Victims of Rape Accusations
Survivors of the Domestic
Davos High Dive Competition
Harlem Studies
Verb Conjugation
Genocide Non-Intervention
Capitalizing on Public Service