Monday, November 24, 2014

"I Didn’t Kill Michael Brown, I Voted!"

"In advance of the Missouri grand jury's long overdue decision, I have made preparations to impanel a federal grand jury in case any signs of remaining dissent needs to be remediated by procedural delay."
- Eric Holder, the Last Memo

"CNN has sent our black reporter to reflect the seriousness with which we take this announcement of preemptive panic." - Wolf Blitzer

“We get the riots we prepare for.” - Jay Nixon

“To tell people to ‘take their frustrations to the ballot box, not the streets,’ is perfectly and patently absurd when the uselessness of the ballot box is the problem. Let’s take the suggestion at face value: Do you see any ‘ballot box’ solution to the wanton state- and media-assisted murder of young black men in America on the horizon? No. Then why wait? But the problem runs deeper. The police are the point at which the State separates itself from and turns on society, at which the State becomes pure coercion. The State's identity as ‘State,’ that is, as the sole ‘legitimate’ user of coercion, rests upon this theft of the freedom to use force which the police are. All de jure authority and rights spring from, and may at a moment be dissolved by, the de facto power of the police. Therefore no matter how utopianly democratic and responsive a State may be, there will never be any way more effective or ‘legitimate’ way to protest the conduct of the police than direct pushback in the streets.” - Constitutional law professor Barack Obama

"Every cop a sovereign." - Carl Schmitt

“What the State wants is to make the murder of Michael Brown seem like a Rashomon so that we’ll all throw up our hands and say, ‘I guess we’ll never know what really happened,’ and then give ourselves a pat on the back for being such good liberals who show forbearance and prudence in refusing to convict--make that even indict--a potentially innocent man. Thus shall the criminal justice system effortlessly accommodate white supremacy without ever seeming to violate the principles of a liberal society. And, in fact, it is that way by design.”
- Voice of the Nation’s Conscience George Zimmerman

"APC's have feelings too, man." - Ashton Kutcher to the National Press Club

"Two things the People need if they are going to become the subject of a mass revolutionary movement are willingness to kill and a willingness to die. I am confident that no American is afraid to kill, but I really worry that their fear of death reflects, objectively, that this system does give most of them a future, a kind of future, or at least the illusion of one.”
- Michael Eric Dyson leaves Columbia to teach middle school gym

“What I’ve tried to develop is a theory of resistance based on misanthropy. Philosophies of liberation that base themselves on some notion of the inherent goodness or dignity of Man slide too easily into theology, and, what’s more important, such magical thinking stands no chance against the coldly anti-human reason of capital. What I’ve come up with is this: People, all people, are dogs, and because they are all dogs without exception, none has the right to rule over any other. Therefore power is worth fighting even if people are not worth saving. Which is why you don’t really even have to bother with non-violence.” - bandito Paul Krugman

"Make his skull flat." - Chief of the St. Louis County Police Department Jon Belmar condemns bandito Paul Krugman to death

“The necessity of revolutionary Terror is what most shocks the conscience of the bourgeoisie about revolution, and it is what sends them running back into the arms of the monarch in the hour of decision. But let’s not forget that the Terror was a reactionary measure, created so that the State could contain and reappropriate spontaneous popular violence, the true revolutionary whirlwind. Nothing curdles the blood of respectable people like the thought of neighbor killing neighbor, but this is the true horizon of liberation: the liberation of violence for all. Like they say, all politics is local--all oppression is too. Municipal and county police departments do more to oppress Americans than the Federal government. Control is most thorough where it is decentralized, existing in networks of privilege and access, iterative patterns of behavior reinforcing concrete structural hierarchies. It’s individuals sheriffs who keep us down, individual cops, individual principals, individual teachers, individual bankers, individual husbands, individual dads. Which is why there can be no revolution without a day-to-day revolution, beginning with day-to-day Terror.” - Rudy Giuliani, private speaking engagement for the St. Louis County Police Association

"I'm not really sure who'd I'd brutalize in this situation." - Batman

“The problem is empathy. How many good, progressive people demobilize themselves with grief and despair through an excessive identification with victims or victimized subject positions? Think about how much more personally functional (if in aggregate to socially deleterious ends) are the many conformists out there who do not imbibe left-wing theory, who do not interpret everything they see as a symptom of this or that historical wrong or system of power, who do not suffer from dyspepsia and despair. Does Clarence Thomas feel the murder of Michael Brown as a murder of himself? Does Sarah Palin suffer from another woman’s rape? Do the Kochs, those great democrats, cry when Hong Kong students are shot with rubber bullets? Is it just that the world is so bad, to see its badness for what it is is to make it even more bad for oneself? Must not one avert one’s eyes a little then, even if this requires withholding empathy, not only from those others deserving of it, but even and especially from oneself?”
- The New York Times Editorial Board: Andrew Rosenthal, Terry Tang, Robert B. Semple Jr., David Firestone, Vikas Bajaj, Philip M. Boffrey, Fancis X. Clines, Lawrence Downes, Carol Giacomo, Mira Kamdar, Juliet Lapidos, Ernesto Lonodoño, Eleanor Randolph, Dorothy Samuels, Serge Schmemann, Brent Staples, Masaru Tamamoto, and Jesse Wegman

“Thank God soon this will all be over.” - Darren Wilson

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Intrastellar: Never Leave Earth

“Somewhere out there, there is another suburb.” - tagline of Interstellar

“Matthew’s character is a kind of everywhiteman.” - Christopher Nolan

“I didn’t write ‘Interstellar,’ it came to me in the night, whispered by the Voice of the Blood.” - Jonathan Nolan

“Fuck leaving earth.” - Bandito Paul Krugman sabotages the Antares rocket

"I just don't get this shit. I was on board for Birdman Returns, Clone Magician, and Louis Vuitton: Inside the Bag but this crap just isn't believable." - A.O. Scott on Interstellar

“This movie asks the age-old question: if Batman were forced to flee his battered and diseased body, would he be able to find a new home in the body of a young and innocent--but sexually fulfilled--woman?”
- unauthorized Jonathan Nolan interview

"Oy I'll take care of your cabbage and wenches and things, while you're on the star lorry!" - Insterstellar wins Academy Award for Best Special FX for Michael Caine

"Everything about this is absolute bird shit, except for the parts where McConaughey acts like he's in other movies and maybe even commercials." - Manohla Dargis

"At least dying on a yacht is noble." - J.C. Chandor

“My goal is to make people forget classical music ever existed.”
- Hans Zimmer

"Only my ego can save celluloid now." - Christopher Nolan to Martin Scorsese at Leonardo DiCaprio's Apollo 13 Party, aboard a jet plunging 20,000 feet in a minute to simulate weightlessness

"Take me with you!" - Scott Brown chasing the party plane as it takes off

"If I divorced my wife I'd do what any father would: kidnap my children and take them to space." - Christopher Nolan to Alec Baldwin

“The universe is real but people aren’t.” - Christopher Nolan, first draft

“Climate change is real and so is the fantasy of escaping it.”
- James Cameron, note on the script

“Yeah, space, hey, listen--do you mind if I film you two fighting?"
- Christopher Nolan to Chastain and Hathaway

“Rockets are phallic symbols.” - Michael Caine, private Space Acting Seminar for Jessica Chastain and Casey Affleck

"It's a cross between a National Geographic Explorer doc and Steven Soderbergh's Solaris." - Christopher Nolan on Space is the Place

“History will not forgive us for mistaking Ann Hathaway for an interesting and important actress.”- Barack Obama, “Farewell to Governance” address

“‘Call of Duty,’ in space, without conflict or action." - Woody Harrelson describes Interstellar behind Matthew's back

"I was briefly entranced, but eventually bored to tears by McConaughey's flirty and comedic romance with the ship's computer. It just didn't service the wider drama of the potential end of humanity. The filmmakers should have followed through on the subplot, as in films like Fool's Gold (2008), and have them conceive an actual child after making love, something so hideous and beyond the pale that they have to love it and raise a truly new future for man." - Armond White

"You can't write that on your check's memo line."
"I'm Christopher Nolan, I can execute anything I fucking conceive."
- Nolan turned away from UBS for drawing cartoon space whale sex

“There is no such thing as ‘intelligence,’ much less that of the artificial kind. ‘Intelligence’ is race, or it is nothing.” - Charles Murray to Charles Rose, the Beauchamp Gardens Rose Garden

“Caine for Willis and Hathaway for Tyler I get. But stone-faced Matthew McConaughey? Young Ben Affleck's working class innocence and puppy dog charm better fit the role. Nolan's remake has transformed the joyful insouciance of the original into a self-serious apocalyptic myth, and he so lacks any sensibility for storytelling that he must raise the stakes of every decision to the epochal and metaphysical to give his films purpose. If Armageddon was for teenage boys, Interstellar is for college freshman deciding they definitely want to major in philosophy.” - Michael Bay finds his Voice at The Convention for Larger Televisions

“I am the tears welling in McConaughey's eyes, I am the fire bursting from the shuttle's engines, I am the dust storm and the child choking in the dust, my soul is a song sung by the cinema and Christopher Nolan is my mother. I am reborn!” - IMDB user TheRealAlGore

“Fuck space.” - Paul Thomas Anderson

"I can't believe people jog and talk at the same time. Vile." - Rust Cohle leaves for outer space

Monday, November 3, 2014

Death Stalks the Land

"If I die before my time, take comfort in knowing that I never really liked being alive." - Ben Affleck

"I feel like a man awaiting execution who has accepted that his life will no longer have any more content and is now content to spend his time in the prison yard taking in the sunshine." - Pharell, on writing “Happy”

“This has been a year of depressing realizations that I am too old to become anything other than what I already am, but worse.” - Angela Merkel, sending in the police

“When will I surrender the Final Surrender?” - Joe Biden, eating 10 pounds of banana pudding

“Speaking as an ape, I like my habitat.” - Jeff Koons

“To be unworthy of one’s crimes is the greatest mediocrity.” - Eliot Rodgers

“Only when you accept that you will not be remembered will you be free.” - Eric Frein

“It was all bad.” - the Aged One (Mitt Romney) explains life before the Fall to the younglings

“You people all together, you smell like a hospital.” - Obama to his Cabinet

“Apocalypse for some, freedom for all.” - Bill McKibben

“Ebola is the nectar of the darker gods.” - Truman Capote

"Does everyone's same blood move the same though? :whispers: Like other races." - Dr. Sanjay Gupta, live television

“Hipster Ebola, the Canadian ISIS!” - CNN

"Finally! A global news crisis happening a taxi ride away, at a pace and a level of intellectual sophistication we can totally phone-in. To the barricades!" - The New York Media

“Ebola: Nurse Union Plot? Only Ray Kelly Can Save Us” - the New York Post

“Technology, consumerism, and a bunch of overworked, underpaid nurses will save us!” - The New York Times

“My testicles dropped a full foot, is it ebola?!”
“Lol yes yr fucked 4 sure!”
- Chuck Schumer & Eliot Spitzer, via text

“This stone I cast at myself.” - Chris Christie locking himself into the bathroom

"The important thing is not to be afraid of getting Ebola but to fear everyone being afraid of getting Ebola." - Andrew Cuomo

“Magic Johnson has the cure for Ebola, and does he help his community? No, it’s up to me.” - Donald Sterling

"I hope they burn Brooklyn Bowl to the fucking ground!" - Vladimir Putin, tripping balls at Output

"Do they know it's Halloween in Africa?" - Michael Bloomberg, jumping the fence to Gracie Mansion

"With each step closer to you, the jokes get funnier. Some doctor in Texas? Whatever, quarantine the whole damn state, who cares and anyway it's one person in a country of three hundred million, those people are so fucking stupid. But you imagine him now, don't you? Riding the L to Bedford, getting out, walking to Brooklyn Bowl, his bowels silently churning themselves the whole time, what does he drink? A Sixpoint? A Brooklyn? Did he bowl or was he there for a show? You don't know, you don't read the news report about it, why would you, it's ridiculous, where did they say he lives? Sure, you want to be afraid, you want to give yourself over to the mass panic, to be a part of the only thing that unifies us. But mostly? You want to be him. You want to wake up in a quarantine tent with doctors dressed like spacemen above you, alone with your terror, to be the direct cause of a total sterility, to be the only stain in an all white room, to know you mean something before you die, as you die, to die right now, to die leaving a world more fearful behind you." - Ray Kelly

“Ebola outbreaks : medicine :: financial panics : economists. A corrective to Hubris.” - Dr. Phil

"What if we were led slowly through the desert and whipped bloody with chains, caking under the sun?"
"Grandpa what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Cormac McCarthy at Disneyland

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Two, Three, Many Scotlands

“The Scottish question distresses the bien-pensant liberals of all countries, not just those of Great Britain, because it lays bare the visceral contempt with which the model of the neoliberal, Anglo-American state is regarded even by its own citizens and, what is in fact much worse, dares betray that alternatives to it are possible, that this regime of misery and idiocy is over if you want it to be.” - Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, VICE columnist

“One can perceive in the desperate tenacity with which people cling to the pettiest of their pleasures proof of the essential badness of life. It is for this reason that the importance of nationalism can never be dismissed, analytically or normatively. Miserable as they are, porcelain bulldogs, Dr. Who, the Royals, Big Ben are our last line of defense against the Void. Thus we shall retain Scotland in the same manner as the Dutch acquired New Amsterdam: with a handful of trinkets.”
- Alistair Darling

“Much as mankind tries to put nationalism behind it, what do the kaleidescopic proliferation of fractures in every otherwise consolidated political bloc on the question of Scottish independence reveal but the persistence of the Nation, real and ineffable?” - Prince Charles to Vladimir Putin

“Nationalism is capitalism with a human face stapled to it.”
- Margaret Thatcher

“Nationalism is a reprehensible corruption of family worship.”
- the Queen

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.” - David Cameron, in response to a BBC reporter's question on when he thinks Scotland will be ready for independence.

“Every once in a while a man is asked to risk it all and stop a breached dam with his finger. For the Union, I am that finger.” - Gordon Brown, Sideways Peas Public House

“It’s better to be a concubine than a prostitute.” - George Galloway

“What one cannot seize and hold, one does not deserve to have.”
- Edward I

“To escape the trash-heap of liberal capitalism, humanitarian imperialism, and environmental degradation, everything is necessary, and anything is permissible – even Scotch.” - Ayatollah Khomeini

"If you stay you can take the Trident nuclear subs out past 10 o'clock." - David Cameron

“Only through the denial of others can we come to tolerate ourselves.”
- Morrissey

“I loved you when you were worthy of it; but since you have become a parricide, a firebug, a mountebank, a charioteer, I hate you as you deserve.” - David Bowie

“Macca's 'Temporary Secretary' taught me what it means to feel British and love the Queen.” - Rod Stewart

“You could have had it all!” - Boris Johnson to Edinburgh

"One Scotland? A thousand Scotlands!" - Jeff Bezos, Silicon Valley Secessionist Union

"Surely, part of me is Scottish..." - Prince Harry amasses powder and men in Glasgow

“Would you see an independent Scotland drown in the tears of its Queen?” - Piers Morgan, crying with rage, alone in the shower

“But I’m fertile!” - Kate

“Fear the rebirth of the dragon, and fear his demand of his weight in silver.” - HRH

"Her sex was like the fighter aces of the Great War." - Martin Amis' rejected submission to No Campaign

“Who would betray the Thunder Chattel betrays the nation.” - IOC Vice-President Sir Craig Reedie

“Th-they never loved me! Let’s do this guys! England will never again win Wimbledon but I DID!”
“Right, Andy.”
- Andy Murray, a bored Adidas handler, a disgraced ENT doc on back-spasm watch, an empty condo complex in Miami, a TV tuned to CNN, Sprite, one or more Malcolm Gladwell books, two competing records for Instagram checks in an hour, greasy discarded ointment tubes, power cleaned high fiber density carpeting, Papa Johns pineapple and mushroom (XL) 5 slices, Avatar hanging out of the Asus, the Saltire proudly magneted to the fridge.

“Scottish independence is the political liberation movement equivalent of getting drunk at a wedding and sleeping with someone you didn't know was your second cousin." - Sinn Feinn Official Statement

“Yeah, do it for the Falklands.” - Cristina Kirchner

“Well, we submitted the results of our referendum to Westminster years ago, but since no one could read it, we're still British.” - Dylan Thomas

“I believe in the authenticity of this referendum about as much as Samuel Johnson believed in the authenticity of the Ossian Cycle.”
- Terry Eagleton

"What! We're holding a referendum?! Why wasn't I briefed?"
"We're conducting this referendum on a need to know basis, James."
- Sean Connery and Mel Gibson

“You mean people are allowed to vote on that sort of thing?”
- Hillary Clinton

“We literally have nothing. Abandon yourself with erotic satisfaction to the sheer intellectual poverty you behold in our ‘advice-columns’ to the Scottish.” - establishment liberals of other countries

“What Palestinians must come to terms with is that liberal America only has room in its heart for one Tibet.” - Natalie Portman

“If only the Kurds were Buddhist, or if only California were full of fake Muslims.” - Henry Kissinger

“We'll take on the national debt of Scotland, no problem.” - Harvard Board of Trustees

“Why don't they just submit their request for statehood to the UN like a civilized nation?” - Mahmoud Abbas

“Without the Scottish, England will finally be conservative enough to apply for statehood.” - Rick Perry

“Adam Smith is long overdue to accede to his rightful place on a currency”. - Rand Paul

“This referendum is going to set our flag back 300 years!” - St. George

“You know it’s the right thing to do because all the villains are against it.” - Brian Cox

“Racism, that's the only explanation.” - Erdogan to Merkel, as overheard by GCHQ

“Half a league onward, boys!” - from an open letter to Scottish Parliament, signed by the new government of Crimea

“You never really leave England because England is Everywhere, England is Hell, You are England, and This Is It.” - President Obama, commencement speech at St. Andrew’s

“Okay, okay, my last offer. I’ve worked it out, and if you vote to stay with us, each and every one of you will wake up to find Franz Ferdinand’s complete discog in your iTunes, on your phones. We’ll take a jog and clear our heads, all right?” - David Cameron

“Well, I’d like you to eat it.”
“It’s--it’s not ready.”
“It’s insurance.”
“Why, if I eat this you’ll recon--”
- Alex Salmond, David Cameron, address to an uncooked haggis, eve of the election, Aberdeenshire

“Nobody cares that The Sun is eliminating Page 3, then?” - Sean Bean

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


"Jazz is such a literature!" - Macca

"That should have been me playing basketball with Miles Davis." - Macca

"Well, hey fellas, we haven't heard from me yet." - Macca keepin it light at a Wings band meeting

"For me it'll always be '67 and all the amazing things that happened then. What was your favorite Beatles year?"
- Macca on the Today Show

Macca Apologizes for Cover of "Springtime for Hitler"

"What we always liked about playing Berlin was the statch laws were vaguer there and everyone was always on blues." - Macca

"Yeah, I used to write songs about pressuring girls into sex but now I just write about how nice it is to make love to your old lady." - all of the former Beatles

"Drummers don't float!" - Macca, throwing Ringo off a yacht, Tampa Bay, 1967

"Macca? I hardly know her!" - Burt Reynolds driving off in an El Camino, 1977

"All I need is my hair color and a woman who could be in an uninteresting magazine." - Macca

"I'm a Paul McCartney's Paul McCartney."- Bono, on a North Korean radio that can only be turned down, not off

"The truth is, I can't name a single African recording artist." - Macca

"Everything about them, their teeth, dandruff ladies hair, the accents, the endless limericks and inside jokes, terrible. - George Martin

"And he said to me, 'I'd give it all up if I could just play bass like Paul McCartney.' Yeah. Wow." - Macca on Jimi Hendrix to an amazed Bob Costas

"I'm confident that when the dust settles and the long view is taken, history will remember the Beatles not for the long-hair and the pot, but for our farsighted criticism of the welfare state and our pioneering work in branding." - Macca

"I think peace is the important thing, yeah. Peace and love. You know we've givenem a lot? We should be like together. [...] Me old Dad liked Scotland, but he wouldn't of even stood for devolution, said it was like 'dogs guvenin' themselves,' could be lads. [...] Oh yeah, Rod [Stewart] was a Scot, he was. [...] I liked the Highlands best myself, but the memory is a bit smidged... Making love to a woman with one leg changes you, it's not like yesterday." - Macca on the Scottish independence referendum, Rolling Stone interview by special correspondent Ringo Starr

"In the end you were right, damn you, damn me, damn this dance we do." - John Lennon greets Macca in Hell