Wednesday, December 17, 2014

We've Been Out-Blogged

“Luxury doesn’t depend on the rouble, it depends on the spiritual strength of Russians and I think our spiritual strength will win out and everything will be fine, as long as we are left in peace.” - Gerard Depardieu

“The United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of Cuba. In the most significant changes in our policy in more than 50 years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests. And instead, we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries. [...] I look forward to engaging Congress in an honest and serious debate about lifting the embargo.”
- Barack Obama

“I want to appreciate and recognize the support from the Vatican and especially Pope Francisco for the improvement of relationships between Cuba and the United States.” - Raúl Castro

DICK CHENEY:
I'm more concerned with bad guys who got out and released than I am with a few that, in fact, were innocent.

CHUCK TODD:
25% of the detainees though, 25% turned out to be innocent. They were released.

DICK CHENEY:
Where are you going to draw the line, Chuck? How are--

CHUCK TODD:
Well, I'm asking you. [...] Is that too high? You're okay with that margin for error?

DICK CHENEY:
I have no problem as long as we achieve our objective. [...] I'd do it again in a minute.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The William Jefferson Clinton Prize for

Bipartisanship
Blow Fish
Big Girls Who Like to Have Fun
Spear Fighting
Dog Riding
Lawn Mowing
Donut Holing
Slaw
Barbeque Serbs
Making the People Horny
Musical Saw
Knife Play
Watersports
Golden Smut
Charlie Rose
Hostage Negotiation
Dick Pill Research
Animal Husbandry
Victims of Rape Accusations
Survivors of the Domestic
Davos High Dive Competition
Harlem Studies
Verb Conjugation
Genocide Non-Intervention
Capitalizing on Public Service

Friday, November 28, 2014

I'm William Petersen, Who The Fuck Are You?


"I want the hardest man in Hollywood, William Petersen."

"Petersen is the Elliot Gould of the 1980's: two movies, he's a genius, the sexiest man alive! We want you to be the new face of our Bourbon!"

"I'm the Nastassja Kinski of men." - William Petersen

"He used to call me in the middle of the night and whisper into the receiver, 'All glory is fleeting...'" - Rob Lowe

"A cop is like a leopard, he moves on instinct, if the doe or the buffalo should fall under his rage, can we say that the Will of the Jungle was not fulfilled?" - William Petersen to a smirking William Friedkin

"Believe it or not, To Live and Die in LA was originally about male ballet dancers." - William Petersen and Willem Dafoe, Anniversary Roundtable

"I don't see color, only heat." - William Petersen on community policing

"Tuition is high at the William Petersen Night School for Aspiring Badasses but worth it for the jeans alone!"

“Acting? I’m into self-animation.” - William Petersen

"I think I have an ulcer."
"My god, the psychic creating the material, you're practically a demiurge!”
- Tom Noonan, William Petersen

"After Manhunter, I’d never again make a film with an actor who could defeat me in single combat." - Michael Mann

"I'd love to get my cop hands on him again." - William Petersen

“He walked off Blade Runner because there wasn’t enough neon.” - Ridley Scott

"The only reason William Petersen didn't take more roles is because he trained for 10 years as a forensic pathologist in order to prepare for CSI."

"Yeah I'm a cop… I'm a damn good cop!!!" - William Petersen to his cats

"My analyst looks like Brian Cox, am I a sociopath?" - William Petersen
"I love her, doc..."
"Then eat her!"
"I would." - Willem Dafoe
"You want justice, fuck a judge." - William Petersen

Monday, November 24, 2014

"I Didn’t Kill Michael Brown, I Voted!"

"In advance of the Missouri grand jury's long overdue decision, I have made preparations to impanel a federal grand jury in case any signs of remaining dissent needs to be remediated by procedural delay."
- Eric Holder, the Last Memo

"CNN has sent our black reporter to reflect the seriousness with which we take this announcement of preemptive panic." - Wolf Blitzer

“We get the riots we prepare for.” - Jay Nixon

“To tell people to ‘take their frustrations to the ballot box, not the streets,’ is perfectly and patently absurd when the uselessness of the ballot box is the problem. Let’s take the suggestion at face value: Do you see any ‘ballot box’ solution to the wanton state- and media-assisted murder of young black men in America on the horizon? No. Then why wait? But the problem runs deeper. The police are the point at which the State separates itself from and turns on society, at which the State becomes pure coercion. The State's identity as ‘State,’ that is, as the sole ‘legitimate’ user of coercion, rests upon this theft of the freedom to use force which the police are. All de jure authority and rights spring from, and may at a moment be dissolved by, the de facto power of the police. Therefore no matter how utopianly democratic and responsive a State may be, there will never be any way more effective or ‘legitimate’ way to protest the conduct of the police than direct pushback in the streets.” - Constitutional law professor Barack Obama

"Every cop a sovereign." - Carl Schmitt

“What the State wants is to make the murder of Michael Brown seem like a Rashomon so that we’ll all throw up our hands and say, ‘I guess we’ll never know what really happened,’ and then give ourselves a pat on the back for being such good liberals who show forbearance and prudence in refusing to convict--make that even indict--a potentially innocent man. Thus shall the criminal justice system effortlessly accommodate white supremacy without ever seeming to violate the principles of a liberal society. And, in fact, it is that way by design.”
- Voice of the Nation’s Conscience George Zimmerman

"APC's have feelings too, man." - Ashton Kutcher to the National Press Club

"Two things the People need if they are going to become the subject of a mass revolutionary movement are willingness to kill and a willingness to die. I am confident that no American is afraid to kill, but I really worry that their fear of death reflects, objectively, that this system does give most of them a future, a kind of future, or at least the illusion of one.”
- Michael Eric Dyson leaves Columbia to teach middle school gym

“What I’ve tried to develop is a theory of resistance based on misanthropy. Philosophies of liberation that base themselves on some notion of the inherent goodness or dignity of Man slide too easily into theology, and, what’s more important, such magical thinking stands no chance against the coldly anti-human reason of capital. What I’ve come up with is this: People, all people, are dogs, and because they are all dogs without exception, none has the right to rule over any other. Therefore power is worth fighting even if people are not worth saving. Which is why you don’t really even have to bother with non-violence.” - bandito Paul Krugman

"Make his skull flat." - Chief of the St. Louis County Police Department Jon Belmar condemns bandito Paul Krugman to death

“The necessity of revolutionary Terror is what most shocks the conscience of the bourgeoisie about revolution, and it is what sends them running back into the arms of the monarch in the hour of decision. But let’s not forget that the Terror was a reactionary measure, created so that the State could contain and reappropriate spontaneous popular violence, the true revolutionary whirlwind. Nothing curdles the blood of respectable people like the thought of neighbor killing neighbor, but this is the true horizon of liberation: the liberation of violence for all. Like they say, all politics is local--all oppression is too. Municipal and county police departments do more to oppress Americans than the Federal government. Control is most thorough where it is decentralized, existing in networks of privilege and access, iterative patterns of behavior reinforcing concrete structural hierarchies. It’s individuals sheriffs who keep us down, individual cops, individual principals, individual teachers, individual bankers, individual husbands, individual dads. Which is why there can be no revolution without a day-to-day revolution, beginning with day-to-day Terror.” - Rudy Giuliani, private speaking engagement for the St. Louis County Police Association

"I'm not really sure who'd I'd brutalize in this situation." - Batman

“The problem is empathy. How many good, progressive people demobilize themselves with grief and despair through an excessive identification with victims or victimized subject positions? Think about how much more personally functional (if in aggregate to socially deleterious ends) are the many conformists out there who do not imbibe left-wing theory, who do not interpret everything they see as a symptom of this or that historical wrong or system of power, who do not suffer from dyspepsia and despair. Does Clarence Thomas feel the murder of Michael Brown as a murder of himself? Does Sarah Palin suffer from another woman’s rape? Do the Kochs, those great democrats, cry when Hong Kong students are shot with rubber bullets? Is it just that the world is so bad, to see its badness for what it is is to make it even more bad for oneself? Must not one avert one’s eyes a little then, even if this requires withholding empathy, not only from those others deserving of it, but even and especially from oneself?”
- The New York Times Editorial Board: Andrew Rosenthal, Terry Tang, Robert B. Semple Jr., David Firestone, Vikas Bajaj, Philip M. Boffrey, Fancis X. Clines, Lawrence Downes, Carol Giacomo, Mira Kamdar, Juliet Lapidos, Ernesto Lonodoño, Eleanor Randolph, Dorothy Samuels, Serge Schmemann, Brent Staples, Masaru Tamamoto, and Jesse Wegman

“Thank God soon this will all be over.” - Darren Wilson

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Intrastellar: Never Leave Earth


“Somewhere out there, there is another suburb.” - tagline of Interstellar

“Matthew’s character is a kind of everywhiteman.” - Christopher Nolan

“I didn’t write ‘Interstellar,’ it came to me in the night, whispered by the Voice of the Blood.” - Jonathan Nolan

“Fuck leaving earth.” - Bandito Paul Krugman sabotages the Antares rocket

"I just don't get this shit. I was on board for Birdman Returns, Clone Magician, and Louis Vuitton: Inside the Bag but this crap just isn't believable." - A.O. Scott on Interstellar

“This movie asks the age-old question: if Batman were forced to flee his battered and diseased body, would he be able to find a new home in the body of a young and innocent--but sexually fulfilled--woman?”
- unauthorized Jonathan Nolan interview

"Oy I'll take care of your cabbage and wenches and things, while you're on the star lorry!" - Insterstellar wins Academy Award for Best Special FX for Michael Caine

"Everything about this is absolute bird shit, except for the parts where McConaughey acts like he's in other movies and maybe even commercials." - Manohla Dargis

"At least dying on a yacht is noble." - J.C. Chandor

“My goal is to make people forget classical music ever existed.”
- Hans Zimmer

"Only my ego can save celluloid now." - Christopher Nolan to Martin Scorsese at Leonardo DiCaprio's Apollo 13 Party, aboard a jet plunging 20,000 feet in a minute to simulate weightlessness

"Take me with you!" - Scott Brown chasing the party plane as it takes off

"If I divorced my wife I'd do what any father would: kidnap my children and take them to space." - Christopher Nolan to Alec Baldwin

“The universe is real but people aren’t.” - Christopher Nolan, first draft

“Climate change is real and so is the fantasy of escaping it.”
- James Cameron, note on the script

“Yeah, space, hey, listen--do you mind if I film you two fighting?"
- Christopher Nolan to Chastain and Hathaway

“Rockets are phallic symbols.” - Michael Caine, private Space Acting Seminar for Jessica Chastain and Casey Affleck

"It's a cross between a National Geographic Explorer doc and Steven Soderbergh's Solaris." - Christopher Nolan on Space is the Place

“History will not forgive us for mistaking Ann Hathaway for an interesting and important actress.”- Barack Obama, “Farewell to Governance” address

“‘Call of Duty,’ in space, without conflict or action." - Woody Harrelson describes Interstellar behind Matthew's back

"I was briefly entranced, but eventually bored to tears by McConaughey's flirty and comedic romance with the ship's computer. It just didn't service the wider drama of the potential end of humanity. The filmmakers should have followed through on the subplot, as in films like Fool's Gold (2008), and have them conceive an actual child after making love, something so hideous and beyond the pale that they have to love it and raise a truly new future for man." - Armond White

"You can't write that on your check's memo line."
"I'm Christopher Nolan, I can execute anything I fucking conceive."
- Nolan turned away from UBS for drawing cartoon space whale sex

“There is no such thing as ‘intelligence,’ much less that of the artificial kind. ‘Intelligence’ is race, or it is nothing.” - Charles Murray to Charles Rose, the Beauchamp Gardens Rose Garden

“Caine for Willis and Hathaway for Tyler I get. But stone-faced Matthew McConaughey? Young Ben Affleck's working class innocence and puppy dog charm better fit the role. Nolan's remake has transformed the joyful insouciance of the original into a self-serious apocalyptic myth, and he so lacks any sensibility for storytelling that he must raise the stakes of every decision to the epochal and metaphysical to give his films purpose. If Armageddon was for teenage boys, Interstellar is for college freshman deciding they definitely want to major in philosophy.” - Michael Bay finds his Voice at The Convention for Larger Televisions

“I am the tears welling in McConaughey's eyes, I am the fire bursting from the shuttle's engines, I am the dust storm and the child choking in the dust, my soul is a song sung by the cinema and Christopher Nolan is my mother. I am reborn!” - IMDB user TheRealAlGore

“Fuck space.” - Paul Thomas Anderson

"I can't believe people jog and talk at the same time. Vile." - Rust Cohle leaves for outer space

Monday, November 3, 2014

Death Stalks the Land

"If I die before my time, take comfort in knowing that I never really liked being alive." - Ben Affleck

"I feel like a man awaiting execution who has accepted that his life will no longer have any more content and is now content to spend his time in the prison yard taking in the sunshine." - Pharell, on writing “Happy”

“This has been a year of depressing realizations that I am too old to become anything other than what I already am, but worse.” - Angela Merkel, sending in the police

“When will I surrender the Final Surrender?” - Joe Biden, eating 10 pounds of banana pudding

“Speaking as an ape, I like my habitat.” - Jeff Koons

“To be unworthy of one’s crimes is the greatest mediocrity.” - Eliot Rodgers

“Only when you accept that you will not be remembered will you be free.” - Eric Frein

“It was all bad.” - the Aged One (Mitt Romney) explains life before the Fall to the younglings

“You people all together, you smell like a hospital.” - Obama to his Cabinet

“Apocalypse for some, freedom for all.” - Bill McKibben

“Ebola is the nectar of the darker gods.” - Truman Capote

"Does everyone's same blood move the same though? :whispers: Like other races." - Dr. Sanjay Gupta, live television

“Hipster Ebola, the Canadian ISIS!” - CNN

"Finally! A global news crisis happening a taxi ride away, at a pace and a level of intellectual sophistication we can totally phone-in. To the barricades!" - The New York Media

“Ebola: Nurse Union Plot? Only Ray Kelly Can Save Us” - the New York Post

“Technology, consumerism, and a bunch of overworked, underpaid nurses will save us!” - The New York Times

“My testicles dropped a full foot, is it ebola?!”
“Lol yes yr fucked 4 sure!”
- Chuck Schumer & Eliot Spitzer, via text

“This stone I cast at myself.” - Chris Christie locking himself into the bathroom

"The important thing is not to be afraid of getting Ebola but to fear everyone being afraid of getting Ebola." - Andrew Cuomo

“Magic Johnson has the cure for Ebola, and does he help his community? No, it’s up to me.” - Donald Sterling

"I hope they burn Brooklyn Bowl to the fucking ground!" - Vladimir Putin, tripping balls at Output

"Do they know it's Halloween in Africa?" - Michael Bloomberg, jumping the fence to Gracie Mansion

"With each step closer to you, the jokes get funnier. Some doctor in Texas? Whatever, quarantine the whole damn state, who cares and anyway it's one person in a country of three hundred million, those people are so fucking stupid. But you imagine him now, don't you? Riding the L to Bedford, getting out, walking to Brooklyn Bowl, his bowels silently churning themselves the whole time, what does he drink? A Sixpoint? A Brooklyn? Did he bowl or was he there for a show? You don't know, you don't read the news report about it, why would you, it's ridiculous, where did they say he lives? Sure, you want to be afraid, you want to give yourself over to the mass panic, to be a part of the only thing that unifies us. But mostly? You want to be him. You want to wake up in a quarantine tent with doctors dressed like spacemen above you, alone with your terror, to be the direct cause of a total sterility, to be the only stain in an all white room, to know you mean something before you die, as you die, to die right now, to die leaving a world more fearful behind you." - Ray Kelly

“Ebola outbreaks : medicine :: financial panics : economists. A corrective to Hubris.” - Dr. Phil

"What if we were led slowly through the desert and whipped bloody with chains, caking under the sun?"
"Grandpa what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Cormac McCarthy at Disneyland