Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Tiger, The Minnow, and The Shark



“I am the Dragon Father to the Tiger Mom.” - Lee Kuan Yew

“Lee Kuan Yew died.”
“Lee Kuan Yew, who’s that?”
“You know, the Singaporean dictator.”
“Dictator?! Gasp!"
- as heard at Davos

"It doesn't matter whether a cat is white or black as long as you can buy the cat." - Lee Kuan Yew

“Two, three, many Singapores.” - Michael Bloomberg

“Caning works in a nation of school boys.” - Thomas Friedman

"Oh, you don't need chewing gum, you have a Father now." - Lee Kuan Yew

“I can't quite remember how many people I've met from Singapore. One? Two? They were so indistinct.”
“Jesus, I had a piano teacher from Singapore for two years. I can't remember her name.”
- Jed Rubenfeld and Amu Chua

“Newly Sober Jon Hamm to Lead Sinaporean People, ‘Justly’”
- The New York Times

"If this one rich old man dies, maybe all the rich old men in China will too!" - The Economist

“Only the natives can save colonialism.” - Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung

"Progress can only be measured one Great Man at a time. If you quibble with Lee's legacy, then why didn't you stop him when you had the chance?" - Hillary Rodham Clinton, funeral oration


"What do you say about the man before whom all words lose their meaning?" - Marco Rubio watches the announcement with the Man on the Grassy Knoll, South Beach

“I love my wife like I love Princeton, through a sheet.” - Chevy Cruz

"He's a fine speaker and seems like a weird lay. He reminds me of the people who actually did the homework at Yale." - Clinton

"When I'm President we'll build the Way Back Machine and shall commune with the Founding Fathers, as is our Destiny!" - Cruz Control at Liberty U.

"I'm sorry, Senator Cruz, but you've consumed all the World's knowledge and all the Children's dreams." - Zeus appearing as a cloud of Urine to the Senator

"My plan to win the Young and Brown? Those people all love a weird fucking gozzle neck." - Sen. Cruz before shoving Chuck Todd into a cotton candy machine

"If it wasn't for these goddamn compression socks I'd challenge him to a duel." - Sen. Shirley Graham on the Cruz

"If I needed rum to make love to my wife like a regular Protestant, it's my hope that I'd sire a son like Ted." - Mitt on a walk with Tagg and Rafalca, La Jolla Shores

"How do I feel? However the Money does." - Jeb Bush


"I can see this man's soul.” - Putin, first meeting with President Cruz

“Pet the wolf? Worship him.” - Putin

“What if men, or better, a man could command, directly, the fear of others?” - Putin

"I have over one million social media accounts." - Putin

"Care for a glass of History?" - Putin, Donetsk

"I play charades, but I don't need a partner." - Putin

"If I had a son? Ivan!" - Putin

"A secret history!" - a young Putin interrupts an art class on Caravaggio, becoming the inspiration for Raul Ruiz and Pierre Klossowski’s The Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting

"Piss sitting down and you'll never be assassinated." - Putin

"I knew it was the time to divorce my wife when she began to demand spontaneity." - Putin

“Rules are rules.”
“Except when they aren’t.”
“That’s power.”
“No – rules.”
- Angela Merkel & Vladimir Putin

"All ships are women."
"Not mine, he is a boy."
- Adm. Mike Mullen confronts Putin

"Once the Putin Honorarium is delivered to the Volga, accept it into the city, and have Victory proclaimed in all Russias." - Putin's plan for peace

"In Putin We Trust" - inscription on an unidentified Eurasian Union coin excavated from unknown ruins near present day Astana by Sxotlveb, head archaeologist of the Jovian Lizard Hegemony

“Lucid dreaming.” - Putin on what it’s like to be him

Thursday, March 19, 2015

News of the World


"We'll tell you how it is." - The Financial Times

"We'll sell you how it is." - The Economist

"Scheme! The Poor are coming!" - The Wall Street Journal

"Someone should really do something about it." - The New York Times

"Everyone's doing it." - Vice

"This is just how it works, but really shouldn't we all just have better manners." - Washington Post

"Sure." - L.A. Times

"We read this so you don't have to." - New York Review of Books

"NYRB turned David Bromwich down." - London Review of Books

"Dad's wrong, it's seasonal rain showers." - Vox

"You don't even fucking know the half of it." - The Guardian

"Remember when?" - The Village Voice

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Clouds 2: Electric Boogaloo

“Oh shit! The reins of power! You mean these things aren't just discursive object? Thanks, Oz!” - Yanis Varoufakis

"Yanis Varoufakis, what a dreamboat! Too bad Syriza's gone so normcore." - the ghost of Alexandros Grigoropoulos

"That's the difference between Yanis Varoufakis and someone like Christopher Hitchens. No illusions of enlightenment. Just shame."
- Bernie Sanders to an empty Burlington Town Hall

"Typical teenage Greek Marxist story. We all turn out that way."
- Arianna Huffington

"Varoufakis was just some random intellectual, but now, thanks to the strength of his writings, he's been plucked from obscurity and controls the fates of millions. Truly socialism is government by the Righteous!" -10,000 salivating white men.

“He makes me want to fuck again!” - Doug Henwood

"He's the new Obama: we all to curl up with him beside the fire as the world burns. Our imaginary coupling vindicates our abdication, converts complicity into failure. His inevitable defeat ennobles our a priori surrender. We believe that we too have tried, that we desired to try. " - Andreas Papandreou from his lectern at UC Berkeley during a seminar on Trotskyism

"At least I wear a necktie when I beg for money from foreigners."
- Constantine II, King of the Hellenes, at the European Court of Human Rights

"The pity of it is, while Syriza is actually positioned to destroy Europe, socialists are the only people foolish enough to want to save it." - Chelsea Clinton

"This is a world historical moment, comrades, to sneer at anarchist anti-electoralism and erase a decade of anarchist leadership of the Greek struggle!" - the Jacobin editorial board

"I will never tire of liberating my country from the Turk, even if he lives in Berlin." - Nikolaos Michaloliakos

"You didn’t have the same upbringing as I did. You do not love the new Europe like I do." - Mesut Ozil to the unbaptized children of Alexis Tsiparas

"Do we have a lien on the acropolis? Yes. Will we enforce it?..."
- Deutsche Bank CEO Juergen Fitschen, trailing off as his mic is disconnected

"We ought not think that the Godhead is purely the euro. Ignorance is how we overlooked our God, the Germans. They now commandeth we all repent. They have appointed a day in which they will judge the world in righteousness. They have risen while austerity buries us all."
- Christine Lagarde at the Areopagus

"State violence is the new gold standard." - Angela Merkel

“We’ve been in this IHOP all night, and we’re still no closer to a settlement!” - the Negotiations

“Just in case, Chancellor, I've deployed a drone over Syntagma Square.”

“A drone?! Where did you get a drone from?”
“At the ECB Christmas Party. In the little goodie baggies. Why what was in yours?”
“A Fitbit!”
- Ursula von der Leyen & Angela Merkel

"Let a great spreadsheet advance itself across the entirety of the European continent." - Wolfgang Schäuble

“I can see it!” - Putin

"If I would have known this was how things would turn out, I'd have walked to Crimea instead. Where are my fucking cigarettes!" - Patrick Leigh Fermor, upon his arrival in Athens to undergo a tracheotomy, June 2011

"The USSR would have ended differently if they could have pegged the rouble to bitcoin." - Besim Beqaj, Kosovo Minister of Finance and avid gamer

"When do the islands go on sale? Daddy needs a new Red Room!"
- Xi Jinping

"The true disaster would be neither for Syriza to reveal themselves as just another neoliberal party, nor for them to make huge oversteps that bring about the end of their reign in a storm of fire. No, the true horror would be for them to prove competent in government, able to negotiate successfully with the ECB and institute an anti-austerity program that makes small but real improvements in the lives of the Greek working class without making permanent trouble for capital. When will the Left learn that their job is not to staunch the bleeding of the hand that feeds them, but to cut its arm off at the elbow!" - Bandito Paul Krugman

"Two, three, many Costa Concordias!" - Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi speaking to the new Alliance of Mediterranean States

"Can't you see it? Fascists in the streets in France, Germany and Italy. Hopeless communist struggle in Greece. A violent and wayward anarchist movement in Spain. The British silently and implicitly backing the Right, but ready to move against them should it prove beneficial. A war in Eastern Europe that could threaten the whole global order. But instead of communists in Russia, it's Putin! And America's on our side! We're getting a goddamn mulligan on the 20th century, but this time, the good guys are gonna win! Viva Fascism!" - Charlie Hebdo "satirical" editorial

Schäuble recognizes that Varoufakis has reached his end, and, to let his failing senses catch the words, roars in his ear: “No one else could have paid these debts, since they were made only for you. I am now going to release them.”

“THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!” - the Greek people being dragged from Europe

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The True Story of Brian Williams

“I feel you, bro.” - Al Gore to Brian Williams via Skype

“Let our forgiveness be as unmerciful as our revenge.” - Obama appears at NBC to calm the restless People

"I'm sorry Brian, you can keep your nut and perhaps Rock Center, but otherwise you may have to give up the trappings of power for awhile."
- Tom Brokaw

“I want you to find him, and I want you to break every bone in his body.” - Matt Lauer to local morning news teams

"The idea of a news anchor getting fired for lying about Iraq is beyond laughable. The very idea of it." - Dick Cheney

"The problem for Brian I think is that he never really beat his wife at games of skill or chance, and this is throughout the entire marriage."
- Jay Leno outside Denim Factory in a car

"If only he'd been given the Tonight Show when he wanted it, he'd have been paid to lie." - Conan

"This is why I stick to asking questions." - Charlie Rose

“Do you pretend to compete with Copernicus?” - Brian Williams' interrogator, Bryant Gumble, moves in for the kill

"No mortal man should be exposed to such putrid light!" - Dan Rather at his cabin door

"Windchill is for pussies." - Brian Williams, broadcasting bottomless from a hot tub

"Can you imagine their undercarriage in prior times?" - Brian Williams, off-camera with Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Neanderthals

"No fucking pad thai! I'm supposed to be allergic to peanuts for the trust." - Brian Williams

"JFK Jr. and I had a passionate steam shack fuck session one young hot summer on Cape Cod, but he swore me to secrecy until the time of his death." - Brian Williams lying to treating doctor, NBC 5 year Psych Evaluation Case File

"Yeah, I fucked a dolphin once." - Brian Williams, entry # 324

"Then the being of light prepared to leave the ship, and as it did so it looked upon us three astronauts and said, 'You were chosen.'"
"Amazing."
- Buzz Aldrin and BW, trading lies

“Do what you want to me, but leave my daughter and the cast of Girls out of this.” - Brian Williams

"When I saw that daughter of his receiving unholy pleasure on TV, well I had to tell the world what I know." - same testimony from every Army pilot

"Allison Williams, god what a bombshell! That jaw!!” - Prince Harry to Drake

"The new trend is eating through your nose."
"Yeah, it is."
- Lena Dunham and Zosia Mamet to Allison Williams, Greenpoint set

"Let art be a thing of privilege as the ancients decreed. My children they are not for the sword or the spreadsheet as the hardier stock of yore, let them have the bauble of the arts and so bind them by Joy."
- a golden chain tied to a golden hand tied to a velvet wrist refracted through a reflection in a golden eye

"What a magnificent country we live in, where I can sit in my PJ's and eat strawberry ice cream while the USAF protects me from the Islamic Caliphate by raining hell from above with F-16's." - Brian Williams

"There is no War! There is no Will! There are no guts!" - Petraeus freaks on the stand, Williams puts head in hands at the defense table

"Every single person who watches the nightly news on a major American television network deserves to die, me most of all."
- Brian Williams, to Oprah

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Secularization Now, Secularization Forever

“A white man oughta be able to kill whomever he wants over private property, regardless of whether that person is Muslim.” - Bobby Jindal

"Every day in the life of a white person is a hate crime." - Darren Wilson

“They indicted a cop! Okay, it’s over now.” - Democratic Primary Voters

"What I don't get is the man's wife goes on TV, says a few unconvincing, ritualistic words of apology, and then comes to life talking at length about her how her husband’s not prejudiced, just a man of progressive sentiment who champions social justice online and believes everyone is equal and shot three college kids point blank in the head over a park parking spot. I mean what the fuck is that bitch thinking?"
“Nah, look, this is not some deep thing, she’s just a dumb hick woman forced by lawyers to talk to television cameras in a desperate attempt to shore up a manslaughter or insanity plea. It’s not her fault anyone takes her seriously.”
- Brian Williams, throwing a cheesepuff at the television, and Bill Clinton, feeling the pain

"If you have to make this big a deal of saying you’re not a bigot, just a triple murderer, you are clearly a bigot." - Charles Manson

“Yo, I hate to shit on the indignation parade but hate crime laws are a trap, bad in principle because they are a form of mandatory minimum sentencing designed to pack prisons, bad empirically because they have a demonstrated history of being used most often against the very minorities they were ostensibly invented to protect. There are no law enforcement solutions to social and political problems. Only solutions of popular violence and organized Terror." - bandito Paul Krugman

“What do you do with a man like Craig Hicks after he’s done the thing he’s done? It matters very little whether he lives or dies, so, on the one hand, if the victims’ families want vengeance, then kill him, But on the other hand, why bother? That’s the horror of what he did--and also its power. His violence, in its arbitrariness and its gratuitousness, was foundational. It builds a social order, an order in which some live in fear, their lives always already forfeit, and others live secure, always already killers or the beneficiaries of killers. Such violence robs counter-violence of its significance so long as the latter remains merely reactive, particular, and proportionate. Punishing Hicks won’t bring back the dead, and it won’t undo the contribution of Hicks' murders to the perpetuation of white supremacy. The score can never be evened, only overturned, for the greater violence always earns a surplus: legitimacy. Justice, therefore, can only be achieved through excess. Ten of theirs for every one of ours.” - Who would say such a thing? Who would have the courage to believe it?

Thursday, January 29, 2015

History's Greatest Monsters


"Would I vote for Hitler? It's a complicated question. Today, of course not. But in 1933? I don't know." - Lance Armstrong

"Theo, my son, let me tell you the facts of life: money and power trump everything." - Dr. Huxtable tells Theo how to pay off a woman with Monopoly Money

"Cos, say it isn't so!" - a 12-year-old boy before being murdered by the police

"Someone needs to take up LBJ's side for once. He really wanted to help those people." - the Liberal Media on Selma

"This year, I resolve to communism better to my friends and family."
- Stalin, New Years Eve, 1935

“Shoot a pheasant or shoot your friends--just shoot a target.” - Cheney

"Only a Great War can give me meaning now." - Lance joins ISIS

"I spy a lie!" - Lance Armstrong barges into Bill Cosby's trailer

"Dreams are for organ donors." - Cheney

"What is it darling?"
"I had the most terrible nightmare. Bill Cosby was a rapist!"
- Tipper and Al, 1992

“Decency won’t save us.” - Cheney

"As long as the heat's on Cosby then it's off of me." - Robert Wagner

"I can only sympathize with animals as pets." - Cheney

"No WMD's? Don't care. Torture? Don't care. Deflated footballs? Don't care. We ‘won.' Go Pats.” - Tom Brady

"You don't understand, Wolf, my daughter being a lesbian effects me--a unique individual whom we all know. That's the tragedy of it." - Cheney

"Who cares about one loose wire showing in an entire universe of spectacular bullshit!?" - Paul Krugman fired after first appearance on NFL Gameday

"People always ask me, Are you sorry? Would you do it again? What about the innocents? It's increasingly tiresome and ridiculous. You never hear anyone ask mold why it ruins bread." - Cheney

"We dream of Anarchy and all its deliciously violent solutions. For us, however, the violence will offer no respite but only prolong the difficulty. The world we dwell in has only one problem: that of Power." - David Addington, blind and in the dress of a beggar, GW Bridge

"I mean, how big a deal is this compared to grown men causing each other brain trauma for five months out of the year?" - Belichick

"Look everything's fucked. It always was, and it always will be. You can cry about it, or you can take advantage of it." - Lance

"Actually, it's about ethics in TV journalism." - Bill Cosby

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Next Republic



“Is there anything more moving than the sight of global elites wielding their power as one? They are like beautiful animals...” - Ross Douthat

"Today we can truly say: France exists." - CNN

“Today we are, reluctantly, all French.” - David Cameron

“I am Chelsea Manning.” - Barack Obama

“Je suis Charlie.” - de Gaulle

“Moral horror always masks hypocrisy. Hatred, at least, is honest.”
- Marine Le Pen

"Let's be real: we all totally and justifiably blame Islam for this."
- George Packer to Bill Maher, Hot Tub Sex Machine

"Next they will come for my hair!" - BHL

“Let’s not lose sight of what’s really important in the Hebdo affair: critiquing the social media presence of white liberals in America.”
- Left Command

“Before you dismiss these cartoons as merely inflammatory, you should understand their place in the incredibly rich and nuanced tradition of French racism.” - Charles Murray

"Comedy is the solicitation of consent." - Charlie Hebdo

“It’s a kind of Handmaid’s Tale for white men.” - Michel Houellebecq

“I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to symbolically denigrate the Algerian underclass.”
- Voltaire

“The concept of freedom of speech is particularly unsuited to cartoons since these are beneath speech: literate grunting, drool-patterns smeared onto the page, moans of malice or lust which cannot escape the self-indulgent juvenility of their origin. Cartoons are a plant-medium for plant-people, and enlightenment would be to ban them all.” - Plato, Reddit.fr

“What greater ecstasy could there be than marching side by side with the police?” - Bill deBlasio

"What does this great march, bringing together people of all races, colors, and creeds in an incoherent storm of political affect, a swirling mass united only by its contradictions, signify but the enduring, obscure, ineffable power of the Nation?" - Éric Zemmour

"Nationalism is the magical mirror that reflects all narcissisms as they wish to be seen." - Marianne

“Everyone thinks the Nation will save them, but there is no escape from other people.” - Gerard Depardieu, Adieu au langage 2ème partie: Koni’s Revenge

"If only I could be a part of something like this." - Putin, wistfully to the Soviet-era cathode ray tube television he keeps for special occasions

“Why is it only a ‘tragedy’ when it’s white people who die?”
”Because only for them could it have been different.”
- Bill Bratton sits PO Daniel Pantaleo down for the talk

“We love the Jews for the same reason we used to hate them: to prove how French we are.” - Manuel Valls

"I look out and I see a nation of people with one face this day. In the face of this outrage we will come out as one. Fuck you Piketty, not taking the Legion. Our gallant men of arms killed the dogs and we show this fine tradition of it forever, and that is Europe."
- François Hollande

"Why do we have twenty fingers and toes? Because there are 24 hours in a day and your family eats four of them." - Sarkozy at home