Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Watch It, It's For You

HBO: Not just TV, expensive trash fantasy realism made safe for neo-liberal prestige consumption.

AMC: Adult drama without the unpleasantness of cursing or tits

Showtime: Let's be fucking extreme and novelly titillating (for one season)

Amazon: What do you want to watch? Mr. Bezos has no idea!

Netflix: We're a content producer now, but our dependence on the physical and intellectual property infrastructure of larger companies ensures nothing will ever really change.

PBS: Look at this shit that fell off a lorry, plus, yeah I think Ken Burns is coming over with his new 10-part doc Corn

CNN: Spectacle you can use

FOX: Mold at the speed of light

NHK: Missives from America’s near future as a graying debtor nation in love with cartoon animals

BBC America: Brits as they really are, that is, as they think Americans want them to be

RT: Those fellow travelers were wrong, but you are right.

ESPN: The Worldwide Leader in Chattel

Network TV: Like nutrition labels, specifically made for you, and equally preoccupied by lies.

Basic Cable: Reality shows mixed with vague memories of content or purpose.

Golf: Golf.

Weather: Predictable and serene, but online, fluids lurk.

Al Jazeera: Pure enough for Medina or the faculty lounge.

Bloomberg: The unprecedented number of news crawls crowding the screen is a metaphor for the treadmill you are currently on.

YouTube: You've never even heard of Nam June Paik.

Friday, April 17, 2015


"All the retching and bitching and hatred for the last three Star Wars movies then Disney gives them a minute of a new one and they roll over like bitches in heat! Everything you need to know about Americans right there--they'll take it every time." - James Cameron to Kathryn Bigelow, celebrity tour of Guantanamo Bay

"Surely we can't criticize popular culture in this, the best of all possible worlds." - Robert Downey Jr. at the Korean DMZ

“All the sex in this movie is practical effects." - J.J. Abrams, Star Wars: Eddie Bauer Edition!

"Star Wars is, and it always has been, pure California."
- George Lucas, Episode VIII: Promise and Peril of the Bay

“Of course I'm Hispanic." - Jeb Bush to George Lucas

"After releasing the IP to Disney, I was finally able to progress beyond the anal phase." - George Lucas

"Après Felicity, le déluge." - JJ Abrams

"Star Wars was never sci-fi, and it was never fantasy. It was post-modern pastiche, the first modern blockbuster, the death of genre." - literary genius George R. R. Martin

“Why bother creating when to suck it down is so much better?” - Hayden Christensen to that kid and Jawa #6 at FanCon Omaha 2016

“I'm just one of those people, I wake up in the middle of the night and I think: how can I tell the same story again and again.” - JJ, Episode IX: Escape from Marin County

"When Harrison broke his leg, they offered me the part, but I turned it down because Abrams wouldn't let me shoot first." - William Petersen

"Our only hope is to convince people they still care about Star Wars."
"On the contrary, people don't know they are allowed to not care about Star Wars."
- Samantha Power and Clinton Campaign Chair John Podesta

"Ungrateful welp, the Star Wars were fought for your benefit."
- John McCain

"Harrison Ford's so fucking old, he needs a facelift."
"What, so he can look like Carrie Fisher?"
"Oh yeah, she like got hit by a hot garbage truck, right?"
"Hey, man, come on, she has a disease, it's not her fault she bought that mountain of cocaine."
- Stormtrooper extras in two distinct time periods on the sets of both Schindler's List and Star Wars VII 

"I'm still waiting for my call." - Billy Dee Williams

"It's really a shame that Lando died in Return of the Jedi."
- George Lucas consulting with JJ Abrams on set


Black Star Wars: A Pop Musical Extravaganza

Starring...

Luke Skywalker    ...    Andre 3000
Princess Leia      ...     Alicia Keys
Obi-Wan Kenobi   ...   Fred Williamson
Han Solo         ...        Justin Timberlake
Chewbacca       ...       Yao Ming
R2-D2           ...           Peter Dinklage
C-3PO           ...           Reggie Watts
Lando Calrissian   ...   Terrence Howard
Yoda            ...             Robert De Niro
Jabba the Hutt     …    Aretha Franklin
Darth Vader       ...       Cee Lo Green
Grand Moff Tarkin   ...  Christoph Waltz
Emperor Palpatine  ...  Ronald Reagan
the voice of every Stormtrooper  ...  Louis C.K.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Race Is On And We're So Hard We Can Hardly Walk


"After [Marco] Rubio officially became speaker [of the Florida House of Representatives], then-Florida Gov. Jeb Bush presented him with a golden sword called 'Chang' -- 'the sword of a great conservative warrior.' Bush elaborated on what the sword meant:

‘Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society. I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side, and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down.’”

- excerpts from The Daily Signal and The Gainesville Sun



Much later, at New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton’s apartment in Harlem, Al Gore grows restless on the couch after an extended idyll….

“This whole goddam Sword of Chang thing that’s come up, it’s like when all the Neo-Cons were eating hashish with those Iranian mystics and trying to get them off the terrorist watch list as 'freedom fighters.'"
“The obscure occultism of the rich whites!”
“I don’t know what this episode means but it explains everything--maybe the entire conservative dialectic. This may be the grimmest election we've faced in our short lives. Where we see the putrid corrupt inebriating uselessness of the mid-terms spreading to the presidential election, American elections aren't even safe for entertainment anymore!”
- Gore slowly pokes his head out of the blankets as Clinton makes them banana pancakes

“Holy shit, this bourbon and this weed together are incredible. I feel like a Congressman.” - Clinton, Mad Men series finale costume party

"Al, I’ve been out of town for three weeks, Hillary's never here, I told you you could use her room, why are you still sleeping on the couch?"
"It's the only thing I still believe in."

“I tried to go to sleep early, but Next Friday was on, what was I to do?” - Al Gore, day after Daylight Savings Time

"Somebody needs to put some sex into the ticket, and only I am truly Hispanic on an electoral level!" - Marco Rubio announces his bid for Vice President

"I heard you in there with her. How was it?"
"Man, we don't have to share everything."

"I haven't walked on a sidewalk alone for over 20 years. My feet have never even touched pavement in New York." - Limo Clinton

"I can look like Joseph McCarthy or I can talk like Ricky Ricardo, I can't do both!" - Chevy Cruz in frustration to the team

"The left doesn't need theories, it needs money, guns, and a story worth fighting for." - Hillary Clinton, stopping by Bill’s apartment to get a scarf, walks through Al’s reading group in the living room

"When you reach a certain age, all late night communications are perceived as booty calls.”
“But what if you're just lonely?"
"Then they are still booty calls."
- Al Gore on Clinton's couch, Day 167

“Yo, Hillary and I order the same fucking bowl of shit at Chipotle, I'll vote for her and do whatever the Beast tells me” - a male feminist

"We're mixed on Outer Heaven." - Clinton camp on the Forever War

"How are you my friend?"
"Aight."
"Hey, you know that fat white guy that come in here?"
"The white guy with the beard, never takes off his sunglasses?"
"Yeah. I think that's Al Gore."
"Al Gore? The fuck?!"
- at the bodega

"A man can be any race he wants!" - Jeb from the kitchen while Clinton and Gore break up laughing in the living room with the bong

"Can I fuck the Object?" - Socratic Clinton

"It's amazing how you never forget how to ride a bike but do forget that you're an adult, agentic being capable of self-directed, transformative action." - Al Gore on Bill Clinton's Couch, Day 589

"I'm gonna be crashing down in Brooklyn a lot more now at Hill's new place, so, you know, whatever's in the fridge, just go ahead and eat it."
"Hey, maybe I can help out with the campaign?"
"Yeah...definitely."
- Bill & Al

"What if the mystery is not, what after death?, because we ourselves are that death, life is dying."
"Would you go to sleep?"
- Al Gore immediately starts verbalizing his thoughts to Clinton as the latter staggers to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee

“Honestly, this is all the man ever wanted after the end of the Vietnam War and losing the presidency: to be with foreigners, away from this horrible country but swathed in its great power.” - John Kerry, crashing in the guest bed on town for business, some orange juice in the morning, and making conversation with Al, who hasn’t moved from the couch in 16 hours

"The absence of any form of non-sublimated sexual expression in my life is painful yes, but I've come to accept it as a given." - Al Gore

"Then you just spill it into her cloaca, man, it's easy." - Tucan Clinton

"My daughter-in-law spanks her children, I don't object really, but it seems hickish." - Al Gore to Bill Clinton, who at first seems indifferent, then smiles, then slowly builds into uncontrolled yet knowing laughter, but never explains what he found so funny

"You know I'd wake up every morning and be standing there in the mirror putting on my tie, and the devil on my shoulder'ld say, 'You can have it all,' and the angel on my other shoulder'ld say, 'They'll all find out what you really are,' and the devil would reply, 'And they'll all forgive you, you're too handsome for them not to.'" - John Edwards stopping by Gore's Clinton Couch

"What the hell is a Plus-Size Model?"
"It's a euphemism for a woman who is actually attractive."
- Clinton and Gore, Couch Day 10325

“Maybe I should train for a marathon."
"Haw haw haw, yeah, you should, bub."
- Al Gore & Bill Clinton, watching reruns of Frasier

"The door--THE DOOR!!" - Al Gore's been reading too much Lovecraft

“Can we crowd source democracy.” - TIME Magazine to its readership of Last Men

"I'm the JFK of the GOP. Same deal right down the line." - Rubio

"I don't talk to a coven of witches." - Rand

"I don't have to make a speech like some damn populist, I'm running a 21st Century campaign: in Brooklyn, with tech money, from the cold remove of the video screen." - Hill

"You won't see her, just the digital detritus of her, like Passover." - Joe Podesta on the Campaign’s Non-Visibility Transparency policy

"We can do it too!" - Ed Milliband

"What about your effect on 2016?"
"Haw! Chuck, I'm a starchild.”
- Chuck Todd and BO

“A glass of zin will kill the sun!” - Hillary on the dark stealth carrier USS Atticus Finch

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Bark Like a Blue Devil

"Duke wins! nothing has to change ever!" - Broadcasting

"How many rapists get a pass tonight because of this?" - Rolling Stone, later retracted

So, when Wisconsin was dust, all cried, ‘To Cameron Indoor!
Run, Grayson, one race more! the meed is thy due!
Duke’s honor is saved, thank Pan, go shout!’ He flung down his ball
Ran like fire once more: and the space 'twixt the fennel-field
And Durham was stubble again, a field which a fire runs through,
Till in he broke: ‘Rejoice, we conquer!’ Like wine through clay,
Joy in his blood bursting his heart, - the bliss!
"This is not an art in you, whereby you speak well on Duke, but a divine power, which moves you like that in the stone which Euripides named a 'magnet,' but most people call 'Heraclea stone.'"
- the ghost of Stuart Scott and Keith Olbermann, Sports Center

"Of course I went to Duke." - Tim Cook to Nixon's ghost

"After the coup and the murder of Allende I returned to America, but I returned to teach at Chapel Hill, for in my time at the economics department at Duke I saw the seeds of Pinochet." - Former Chilean President Richard Lagos

"And to think, money made all this possible. America is just a game? Oh no, it's a dream--of ivy and research-triangle office parks and the right people getting off every fucking time." - Coach K brings the Boy Men to weeping

"I can't wait to see my girl, Coach!"
"Girlfriend? You lie with eunuchs painted gold tonight, my son!"

Monday, March 30, 2015

On Eunuchs, Being a Warning to the Reader Against Their Strange and Irresistible Charms

“What’s the matter, Theodora?”
“I just can’t get that beautiful eunuch off my mind.”
- Justinian I & Theodora

“Eunuch is an ancient word for ‘celebrity.’” - Anderson Cooper visiting Tesla Headquarters on 60 Minutes

“Can’t win a war, huh? Too busy fiddling with your dick.” - Zheng He

“The decline of eunuchism makes it clear that any notion of human progress since the Renaissance is a lie.” - Michel Houellebecq

“In a Sex Empire, the man with no penis is king!” - Bryan Cranston abandons acting for Freedom from Genitalia Movement

“Have you ever danced with a eunuch in the pale moonlight?”
- Bill Clinton

“Yes, you’re right…” - a king, raised from birth to believe in his personal divine mandate to wield brute power over other men, heeds the counsel cooed in his ear by the beguiling sexless waif who dresses him

“The voice of a eunuch is as the rustling of grass… by a snake!”
- Aristotle to the young Alexander

“Lol, man, I could listen to eunuch jokes for 100 years.” - Marcus Aurelius


“Whoever wins the dance contest shall be spared the lions to continue to serve Our pleasure.” - Sen. Chevy Cruz to his eunuchs, Tampa Hippodrome

“What charity do you represent? Show your wrists, show your mark!”
- Lance Armstrong to a band of hooded eunuchs on horseback by torchlight

Putin Claims Nemstov ‘Overtaken by Eunuchs’

“I just like the convenience of bourgeois technical supremacy.”
- Martha Stewart on her Cyber Eunuch with Peter Usinov AI

“Surely migrant workers are cheaper than robot servants?”
“Of course they are, but what use is an invisible labor force as a status symbol?”
- Tim Cook and Jony Ive

“What do you mean you don’t have a eunuch?”
“Are you sure this guy is white?”
- Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein on Barbara J. Desoer

“The love of a eunuch is perfect because unobtainable. Without genital sex, how can you ever be sure?”
“That’s ridiculous. Non-genital sex is the only way to be sure.”
“You’re both wrong. Anything that can be bought can be had.”
“A man spends vast sums on a eunuch only to know the ecstasy of what wealth cannot buy, which in turn spurs him on to new heights of acquisition, new depths of expenditure. Love is not the consummation but eternal striving.”
- Clinton, Putin, Warren Buffet, and then Putin again at the Symposium

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Tiger, The Minnow, and The Shark



“I am the Dragon Father to the Tiger Mom.” - Lee Kuan Yew

“Lee Kuan Yew died.”
“Lee Kuan Yew, who’s that?”
“You know, the Singaporean dictator.”
“Dictator?! Gasp!"
- as heard at Davos

"It doesn't matter whether a cat is white or black as long as you can buy the cat." - Lee Kuan Yew

“Two, three, many Singapores.” - Michael Bloomberg

“Caning works in a nation of school boys.” - Thomas Friedman

"Oh, you don't need chewing gum, you have a Father now." - Lee Kuan Yew

“I can't quite remember how many people I've met from Singapore. One? Two? They were so indistinct.”
“Jesus, I had a piano teacher from Singapore for two years. I can't remember her name.”
- Jed Rubenfeld and Amu Chua

“Newly Sober Jon Hamm to Lead Sinaporean People, ‘Justly’”
- The New York Times

"If this one rich old man dies, maybe all the rich old men in China will too!" - The Economist

“Only the natives can save colonialism.” - Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung

"Progress can only be measured one Great Man at a time. If you quibble with Lee's legacy, then why didn't you stop him when you had the chance?" - Hillary Rodham Clinton, funeral oration


"What do you say about the man before whom all words lose their meaning?" - Marco Rubio watches the announcement with the Man on the Grassy Knoll, South Beach

“I love my wife like I love Princeton, through a sheet.” - Chevy Cruz

"He's a fine speaker and seems like a weird lay. He reminds me of the people who actually did the homework at Yale." - Clinton

"When I'm President we'll build the Way Back Machine and shall commune with the Founding Fathers, as is our Destiny!" - Cruz Control at Liberty U.

"I'm sorry, Senator Cruz, but you've consumed all the World's knowledge and all the Children's dreams." - Zeus appearing as a cloud of Urine to the Senator

"My plan to win the Young and Brown? Those people all love a weird fucking gozzle neck." - Sen. Cruz before shoving Chuck Todd into a cotton candy machine

"If it wasn't for these goddamn compression socks I'd challenge him to a duel." - Sen. Shirley Graham on the Cruz

"If I needed rum to make love to my wife like a regular Protestant, it's my hope that I'd sire a son like Ted." - Mitt on a walk with Tagg and Rafalca, La Jolla Shores

"How do I feel? However the Money does." - Jeb Bush


"I can see this man's soul.” - Putin, first meeting with President Cruz

“Pet the wolf? Worship him.” - Putin

“What if men or, better, a man could command, directly, the fear of others?” - Putin

"I have over one million social media accounts." - Putin

"Care for a glass of History?" - Putin, Donetsk

"I play charades, but I don't need a partner." - Putin

"If I had a son? Ivan!" - Putin

"A secret history!" - a young Putin interrupts an art class on Caravaggio, becoming the inspiration for Raul Ruiz and Pierre Klossowski’s The Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting

"Piss sitting down and you'll never be assassinated." - Putin

"I knew it was the time to divorce my wife when she began to demand spontaneity." - Putin

“Rules are rules.”
“Except when they aren’t.”
“That’s power.”
“No – rules.”
- Angela Merkel & Vladimir Putin

"All ships are women."
"Not mine, he is a boy."
- Adm. Mike Mullen confronts Putin

"Once the Putin Honorarium is delivered to the Volga, accept it into the city, and have Victory proclaimed in all Russias." - Putin's plan for peace

"In Putin We Trust" - inscription on an unidentified Eurasian Union coin excavated from unknown ruins near present day Astana by Sxotlveb, head archaeologist of the Jovian Lizard Hegemony

“Lucid dreaming.” - Putin on what it’s like to be him

Thursday, March 19, 2015

News of the World


"We'll tell you how it is." - The Financial Times

"We'll sell you how it is." - The Economist

"Scheme! The Poor are coming!" - The Wall Street Journal

"Someone should really do something about it." - The New York Times

"Everyone's doing it." - Vice

"This is just how it works, but really shouldn't we all just have better manners." - Washington Post

"Sure." - L.A. Times

"We read this so you don't have to." - New York Review of Books

"NYRB turned David Bromwich down." - London Review of Books

"Dad's wrong, it's seasonal rain showers." - Vox

"You don't even fucking know the half of it." - The Guardian

"Remember when?" - The Village Voice