Saturday, April 12, 2014

Lifehacks with Dr. Turin Horse

Dr. Horse, hard at work on his dissertation.

Lifehack: Don't go to grad school. This is the first and greatest Lifehack.

Lifehack: Control the means of production and extract the surplus labor value of others.

Lifehack: Talk is cheap, feelings are cheaper, invisible Third World labor is cheapest.

Lifehack: Might – plus "humanitarian intervention" – makes right.

Lifehack: Identify the Crimean Peninsula in your life and just take it.

Lifehack: Socially liberal, fiscally conservative.

Lifehack: Calling yourself "libertarian" makes you a cool Republican.

Lifehack: Calling yourself “liberal” means you can have your cake and eat it too.

Lifehack: The purpose of the liberal arts is to teach the Chinese nouveau riche how to spend their money.

Lifehack: The purpose of history is to provide a theodicy of the present.

Lifehack: The highest form of politics is styling the pattern of your consumption choices.

Lifehack: Like everything but country and rap.

Lifehack: Be dumb in a zeitgeist-appropriate way, and mighty forces will rush to your aid.

Lifehack: Turn every discussion to first principles in order to protect vested interests.

Lifehack: When in doubt, rationalize.

Lifehack: The status quo is the first mover.

Lifehack: Bourgeois feminism, right-wing Deleuzianism, post-racism.

Lifehack: White privilege, patriarchy, habitus, fossil fuels, unrestricted drone warfare.

Lifehack: Guns, religion, waves of topical hysteria.

Lifehack: Fuck the planet.

Lifehack: Global warming is real, but it won't affect you.

Lifehack: Evolutionary psychology isn't real, but that won't affect you.

Lifehack: Viewed from the standpoint of geological time, oceans are enormous mouths that open and close over the course of millenia.

Lifehack: Natura non contristatur.

Lifehack: Reality is violence on every level. Dissimulation of this is just another form of violence.

Lifehack: Violence is just a flimsy metaphor masking the lassitude and inertia at the heart of reality.

Lifehack: Smoking is only the most visible and stylized way in which you are being poisoned by your environment.

Lifehack: Start smoking and never stop.

Lifehack: Hold your joy close, like a knife to your throat.

Lifehack: The copper in a penny is worth more than a penny.

Lifehack: Copper melting in a veterinary crematorium.

Lifehack: The price to gentrify is to criticize gentrification.

Lifehack: The wind will carry you, if you're white.

Lifehack: Test prep culture.

Lifehack: Gamify, medicalize, nostalgize.

Lifehack. You don’t have to wear a uniform to be a cop. You can be a cop in your spare time. You can be a cop to your friends. You can be a cop to your family. You can be a cop to your lover. You can be a cop in your own head. Anyone can be a cop.

Lifehack: New York City is the worst place possible except that all other places are even worse.

Lifehack: Plunge into the everydayness characteristic of Dasein and never look back.

Lifehack: Late at night, animal closeness is good enough.

Lifehack: If you try hard, you can feel the Internet.

Lifehack: Trade time for space, stuff, and symbol. Sardanapalize.

Lifehack: The world is your earbuds.

Lifehack: The world is your comment thread.

Lifehack: The world is your black site.

Lifehack: The world is your coltan mine.

Lifehack: The world is your Kola Superdeep Borehole.

Lifehack: The world is your deep-sea oil-well.

Lifehack: The world is your Carter doctrine.

Lifehack: The world is your combat zone cleared for drone strikes.

Lifehack: Robots can’t commit war crimes.

Lifehack: The world is your ground to stand.

Lifehack: The world is yours to stop and frisk.

Lifehack: The world is your brownstone.

Lifehack: The world is your gingerbread house.

Lifehack: The world is your gallows.

Lifehack: Best is never to be born at all; second best is to die quickly.

Lifehack: Sleeping on your left side wears your heart out quicker.

Lifehack: If you believe your dentist, try sunlight.

Lifehack: Boxed wine.

Lifehack: Functional alcoholism.

Lifehack: Do shut up. The game now is how much infinity we can stack against you.

Lifehack: The aphorism doesn’t matter. Literature and scholarship don’t matter. Words don’t matter. Only these Lifehacks – and David Brooks – matter.

Lifehack. Everyone's a critic, but how many are willing to pick up a gun and become actual cops?

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Peninsula of Narcissus

I. Just Putin

"We can be heroes, just for one day." - Putin

"War is the continuation of Olympics by other means." - Putin

"Rearguard actions against history are the only way I can get hard now."- Putin

"Deep down I know that I am evil, and secretly I wish to die." - Putin

"Forgive not lest ye be forgiven." - Putin

"Psychospherism. Imperial formerism/futurism. Rat fuck shit heel buffer statism. Lad grab power power plant hospitalism. Copism. Manism. Russia to the rescue. A context for invasion. A language we can understand." - Putin, notes on the back of a napkin at the Sochi nightclub Light Brigade

"What happens to Wilsonian self-determination after the linguistic turn?" - Putin, guest lecture, Yale University INRL 489e: Post-modern Sovereignties

"Nations aren't sovereign, national interests are sovereign." - Putin ordering blackshirts to seize an airport in Crimea, or Obama ordering a robot to blow-up a wedding in Pakistan

"Koni is the finest bitch." - Putin on his dog, Koni

II. Everyone Else

"Let's fuck Kiev style!" - Jay Carney with a young starlet, lighting his condom on fire

"I want to be your Leader now!" - Yulia Tymoshenko

"We will protect this statue of Lenin with our lives." - Simferopol Russians

"White people shouldn't quarrel in this way." - Angela Merkel

"At this point things have gotten so darn bad that any American lady would let Putin take her flower." - Sarah Palin

"We have come now to the End of Days." - John Kerry, Ambien zombie loose in Kiev

"What's important is that we not miss the opportunity to demonize Edward Snowden in all this." - Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn

"This is bullshit! We should have infinite and omniscient technical power." - Official Washington Response to Intelligence Services during Crimea Crisis

"Yo send me your credit card info so I can vote for you in the Crimean referendum." - your CCP Princeling friend from college in the Northeast

"The Slavs will always betray one another." - Slavoj Zizek to an Indonesian taxi driver in Abu Dhabi

Russian Troops Seize Temple Mount, Utah!

"Practically every hit song on Crimean radio in the past 15 years was written by Putin." - Bob Costas

"He haz zee crazed eyes."
"So are you saying doctor that the Russian president may have reached such a frenzy of megalomania that he believes his desires influence the wills of men?"
- Wolf Blitzer, in the Situation Room

"War is always the answer." - Madeline Albright to Patrick Stewart after an awkward silence

"I don't feel outrage so much as envy." - John McCain, launching simulated ICBM's at Sevastapol from the Congressional War Games room

"Westphalia!" - Harry Wales dies valiantly impaled upon a rake

III. Political Miscellaneology

"(overly linear conception of history + conception of politics as fundamentally about ideas rather than the reality) x (pathological Need to Always Be Correct) = disaster" - Christopher Hitchens, David Horowitz, Horst Mahler, Nick Land, et al.

"Being an altar boy taught me a lot about what the law was supposed to serve." - C.J. Roberts

"I have so much love to give but the Syrian government won't let me give it!" - a housewife after drowning her children in the bathtub while listening to BBC news

"Dad says anarchy sux!" - Tagg debating crusties at the mall

"Development is theft." - Bill Gates

"...Why did we make all this? ...Why do we preserve it?... Doesn't it deserve to be destroyed?" - FDR, quietly to himself atop the Empire State Building

"I will see every man, woman, and child dead. I will see the fields turn to ash and the seas turn to acid. There is no measure I will not take, no consequence I am not willing to accept, as long as it completes the Algorithm." - Justine Tunney

"Money extends the actual into the abstract. It is both real and imaginary: real because imaginary, imaginary because real. Money records what we have done in the past, what we will do in the future, and it allows us to relate these actions (these times, these destinies) to each other in the present. Money is the memory of the world, and the great networks of monetary exchanges taking place at light-speed around the globe are really nothing but a World-Brain or Oversoul. Therefore the judgement of money really is, in a sense, the judgement of God." - Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto

"Gather round the telegraph, boys, I do believe we killed them all!" - Abraham Lincoln and the gang await news from Vicksburg

"Those who reenact the past are doomed to trivialize it." - Al Gore singlehandedly breaks up the Gettysburg Anniversary National Civil War Battle Reenactment on motorcycleback

Climate Change Leaves DC Vulnerable to 'Malaria and Island Ritualism'!

"Played a game of 'category' with a bunch of liberals this weekend. The category was national capitals. They wouldn't accept Ramallah but would accept Taipei."
"Your friends were right. The capital of Palestine is Jerusalem."
"There is a Sexy Saigon City in the heart of every liberal."
- David Brooks and Paul Krugman

"Honestly the whole thing seems like a shadow play to me. National liberation reduced to making the 'right' decision in market terms. Not that such terms aren't real and important. On the contrary, they are: that's what's so depressing." - Gordon Brown discussing Scottish independence at the Bearded John Club

"In the gravity waves we can see that this universe had a beginning, and so we also see that it will have an end." - entirety of Barack Obama's unscheduled address to the nation

"Anakin, the Clintons are evil!" - Maureen Dowd shaking Bill deBlasio by the shoulders

"I will do all in my power to serve you."
"We value your service Mr. Gore, but we do not approve of your sorcery."
"Ministers, I am but a Sorcerer's Apprentice."
- Al Gore defects to Iran

"If Shanghai did not exist, it would be a dream in the mind of Shoggoth." - DreamWorks Animation CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg

"If I did not exist, bathroom graffitti would have invented me." - Bill Clinton

"Joy is an animal doing what it is trained to do." - Liam Neeson talking about carriage horses or maybe just about himself

"I would never lay hands on an animal." - Harrison Ford

IV. The People's Wagon

Aerial view of the Chattanooga Volkswagen factory where factory workers recently voted to rid themselves of the filters diluting the true stream of power. Industrious workers, the hand that shakes yours wears no glove!

"Why wash your brother when you could spit in his face?" - Chattanooga auto workers

"A vote for yourself is a vote for Stalin!" - TN State Sentor Bo Watson

"J'accuse!" - Sen. Bob Corker to his grandchild upon discovering that they are out of ginger ale

"I am the Betsy Pickle of the ruling class!" - David Denby addressing the Harvard Club

"I am the Betsy Picke of the ruling class!" - A. O. Scott addressing the Park Slope Food Co-Op

"I am the Betsy Pickle of the ruling class!" - Betsy Pickle addressing Chatannooga auto workers

"My immediate surroundings are the final form of universal human history and my personal experiences are identical with Absolute knowledge." - the Hickocratic Oath

"Everyone today knows and accepts that lefties tend to be artists and intellectuals and other kinds of individuals who, at best, are makers of decoration and ephemera, and, at worst, are simple parasites upon those who actually get things done. Why is this? Is it because they are Left that they are unproductive? Or is it because they are unproductive that they are Left?" - Dick Cheney

"I've invented a time machine but it only works in one direction. It's called the guillotine and it only takes us to the future." - Robespierre

V. Love in the Age of Autonomous Robot Swarms

"It just isn't working out." - McKinseyBot cancels Kosova

"People in the future will pay $10K just to go on a date with a normal human being." - Peter Thiel, Fortune Brainstorm 2014, Official Inaugural Prediction

"Every victory is a defeat when the game is played this way." - Edward Snowden swiping through the human-robot dating app Cinder

"I want YOU to FUCK!" - U.S. Department of Population Management propaganda poster dated to the late pre-Private Currency Wars period

"The only way out of this military sexual assault crisis is more drones." - Sen. Lindsay Graham

"No one will ever believe you." - Bill Murray on sexual harassment

"Ain't no love on Skull Fuck Island, Mitt." - cycloptic cyborg prison guard James Carville to a captive Mitt Romney on tropical island penal colony Skull Fuck Island

"I appreciate this award for Sexiest Fed Chairman Ever but I don't understand why I'm being demeaned in this way." - Ben Bernanke, Last Federal Reserve National Meeting

"Facebook is the most advanced technology every created for the purpose of self-deception."
"What about the stock market?"
- Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg before high-fiving

Republic of Crimea Thrives Post-Secession on Webcam Economy

"Your proclaimed political values are to the way you actually live your life as pornography is to sex." - Karl Marx

"Let some get laid first." - motto of the Davos Pros Club

"Seduction is essentially coercion." - Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, plea agreement

"Hate is the past tense of love." - Oscar Pistorius

"Wanna just take turns with the goat?" - Roger Clinton to his brother Billy after a full day of lookin' under every stone, branch, and bush for a woman

"My bedsheets look like the Constitution!" - Clarence Thomas

"Grad school is a zoo, and the grad students are pandas: an escalating feedback loop of awkwardness and embarrassment, culminating in the failure to breed. You're like the actual Chinese panda missing part of his ear and she's the raised in captivity panda, and you both can't fuck unless there's cameras and 15 master keepers dressed up like you cheering and grasping for Sex." - Professor Amy Chua dodging a question about her prior work on post-colonial democracy to address a group of idle female students in the 3rd row

"I sat by the ocean and drank a potion, baby, to erase you." - Al Gore on tour with Queen of the Stone Age

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I'll Fuck When I'm Dead

“I want to fuck you the old fashioned way.” - Sean Connery

“I want to fuck you like an insect.” - Bjork

“I want to fuck you like your mother.” - Joan Crawford

“I want to fuck your mother.” - Michael Caine

“Your cunt smells boring.” - Her Majesty inspects the Bride

“Just close your eyes and neigh.” - T. R.

"I wanna fuck everything!" - Google

"I know, I'll trick her as a swan! Why fuck when you can surprise fuck?" - Zeus Clinton

“You gotta dig yer nails in, don’t be afraid to bite it!” - Rick Parry, Big Fuck City, TX

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Tigris Moralia: Reflections from Damaged Life

"To conform to a sick society is to become ill. To succeed in a sick society is to cultivate one's sickness, to improve upon it, to weaponize it. Success, therefore, has nothing to do we being 'well-adjustment' or 'well-being.' Success is a syndrome caused by socially advantageous pathologies." - Amy Chua & Jed Rubenfeld, The Triple Package: How Three Unlikely Traits Explain the Rise and Fall of Cultural Groups in America, Introduction

"I think it's courageous that this fine couple is addressing the Elephant in the Room. It's in the Blood, if you can't see that, then get back to work." - Thomas Friedman

"Just as Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds makes the point that it's okay to be a Nazi if you're a Jew, my new book makes the point that it's okay to be Charles Murray if you're an Asian woman." - Amy Chua

"I think I came off as a compassionate loser in the last book. Now I'm with my baby on the Team. Someone has to step up and tell these other ethnics that they're just no damn good." - Jed Rubenfeld Chua

"Why does every fucking article about these people involve dinner parties?" - Malcolm Gladwell

"I can't believe people think I'm awful, I mean, I'm not awful!" - Amy Chua or Georgina Bloomberg or Queen Rania or fans of Girls or Marie Antoinette, any of them really

"In cultivating the pathological sense of insecurity that is essential to the Tiger Triple Threat, it may be useful to regard oneself or one's People as oppressed by society. However, a delicate balance must be struck. The Tiger's self-serving woundedness must not lead to such a sense of shared humanity as would make oppressing others difficult." - from Chapter 3: Crawling Over the Grasping Masses in the Game of Life

"What about organized crime?!" - outraged Italians, Irish, and Mexicans

"I think what Ms. Chua's book shows is that separate development is a reality." - F. W. de Klerk in a comment later retracted

"Our method was, you know, we looked at our own lives and wondered, Why did it work out so well for us? Are we just lucky? Was it just that our parents just do a good job raising us in the circumstances given to them? No, something more has to be at work. Our lives are so great, we are so great, we refuse to accept that we are anything other than the living embodiment of the historical destiny of our races and that our union is the final form of human achievement." - Amy Chua, on Sieg Heil with April Gaede, WROT public television, Leith, ND

"It's like Black Skin, White Masks for the Elect." - a Financial Times book reviewer huffing freshly printed dollar bills

"Americans may think that it is by hard work and self-denial and a feeling of Destiny, rather than by the material forces of history, that Chinese People get ahead. They may believe that these Traits are ahistorical cultural values, rather than the psychological expressions of a spectacularly cruel and violent state-organized campaign to ruthlessly exploit the largest labor market that has ever been mobilized. They may think all this, and an American academic with Chinese blood and a Chinese face may profit off fanning the flames of their delusions. And all of them will be dreaming the Chinese Dream." - Xi Jinping

"This Indian tiger lacks the traits necessary for success that we see in African and Mormon tigers." - Amy Chua, her husband nodding in agreement, on the Bengal tiger that has killed 10 people in northern India in the past six weeks

"Dear Time Traveling Overbeck: I am glad to hear that animal metaphors are still used to discuss racial superiority in the 21st Century and that the Greeks still worship Dionysus. Yours sincerely, Nietzche"

"I agree with that drunk doctor, it's all narcissism. I mean, Yale? It's over." - a sauced Lawrence Summers waving in the direction of Tagg Romney at the Harvard Club Sherry Bar

"Why be an academic when you could be the high brow equivalent of morning television? Wait, never mind." - Amy Chua

"Don't think of me as your Leader only, think of me as your Tiger Mom, traumatizing you into better things, or at least a good university." - Bashar al-Assad, Syrian State TV

"You know, I used to want to be an actor, I even went to Julliard. Now I just write mystery novels. I don't always want to be a Triple Package. Sometimes I just want to be Elliot Gould in The Long Goodbye." - Jed 

"Can you believe that I actually made my scholarly reputation on a book that argued that Empire's agenda of spreading free market democracy to every corner of the earth had increased global conflict and instability, and would continue to do so, as, on the one hand, marketization increased inequality and resentment between economically-dominant ethnic/tribal/national minorities and less dominant majorities, and, on the other hand, democratization created the conditions for the politicization of ethnicity and the mobilization of state violence to settle ethnic scores, leading ultimately to the rise of reactionary ethnonationalist populist regimes, widespread ethnic cleansing, genocides, and endless cycles of atrocity and retribution? But no one listened to me, and, having come to accept that the apocalyptic trajectory of history cannot be altered, I have devoted myself to ensuring that my seed will always triumph." - Amy Chua

The secret Fourth Trait... 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Operation Long Jump

"It is common to say of a great man, 'Behind the myth, he was just a man.' That is not true for me. I am not 'just a man.'"
"Haw haw, did you hear that, Winnie? He's insane! Haw haw!"
- Stalin, FDR, and Churchill pounding grog at Yalta

"How crazy is he?"
"Just about crazy enough to out-crazy Hitler, I think. That's the plan anyways."
- FDR confides in Churchill

"I'll tell you one, Joe: I put my hand up Deitrich's skirt!"
"Try genocide."

"Winnie here says he doesn't like you, Joe, but I think you intimidate him! Doesn't he, Winnie? Doesn't he!"
"You will please stop hitting me in the arm, won't you, Franklin?"
"Winnie, why is it I'm always hearing about you're such a wit when you act like a damn ninny? You look like a damn turtle, you know that? He looks like a damn turtle, doesn't he, Joe?!"

"I say, Joe, if you enter the war, we can break the Japs and make real artists out of their movie men!"

"The job of most actresses is to play a man's fantasy of a woman. How do they do it, without throwing themselves off a bridge, I mean?"
- Benito Mussolini

"Well I like it, of course, but I don't think the Army is going to go for it."
- FDR after reviewing Disney's storyboards for the depopulation of Japan

"Gentleman, together we can make silence reign over the earth."
"What did he say?"
"He said we can kill them all, Winnie. Isn't that just marvelous!"

"Why, I believe I'll have the spicy pork!" - FDR is first President to go to a Korean restaurant

"Boys, I don't understand a lick of this economics or policy you're spouting but it sure goes down well with the grog!" - Our Man to the Brain Trust

FDR: "Listen to this one, Joe: Winnie here's a writer!"
CHURCHILL: "Urm, yes, quite so. Was writing a manuscript on the history of English-speaking people, but the war--"
STALIN: "I am also writing such a manuscript."
STALIN: "On the history of the Russian people. A page is written every day, in their blood, on the walls of Stalingrad."
FDR: "Who wants to see my Glenn Miller impression?!"
FDR sticks his arms out and makes airplane noises and rolls his wheelchair into the swimming pool

"Charlie here says he's got an army--an ARMY! Isn't that funny!"
"--an ARMY! Well, I tell you what, Charlie, why don't you take that army of yours and spread the Kraut's Western leg yourself and I can get back to getting handies in East Egg."
- FDR and DeGualle

"No one on that Court ever fucked a thing!" - FDR throwing an ashtray at Pa Watson

"Put some of that hot music on the Victrola and wash your sex."
- a young FDR

"Why do I have to do it, that's what I have Oppie and his harem for! Isn't that right Oppie?"
"This world is a hell, Death is out Mother, we suckle on ash."
"HAW HAW HAW! Did you hear that, Feynman?! Oppie's nuts!"

"I'd tell you not to worry, that I'd take care of it, but I... I don't think that 'worry' is something that would occur to you to do." - FDR walks in on Walt Disney chewing the neck of a dead whore at a party in East Egg

"Jesus, don't shoot him! Use the tranqs! We need him for the war!"
- FDR stops Secret Service agents from shooting a rabid Jimmy Stewart howling at the moon

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A Celebration to Benefit Power

"This video, my god, it's amazing. Clinton is such a fucker. If only he really let loose. If only he were really black!" - Paul Begala, swamp lunch with James Carville

"You're not disappointed in me, you're disappointed in yourselves."
- Barack Obama

"God brought this polar cold on us for abandoning stop-and-frisk."
- Michael Bloomberg 

"You know what it is? Football has no female supplement, whereas hockey, every hockey game everywhere is haunted by the specter of the figure-skating little girls the hockey boys pushed off the ice."
- Tonya Harding, 2013 NHL Winter Classic

"I did this for all of you, I died for your sins." - Alex Rodriguez, unannounced appearance on Olbermann

"Revenge upon oneself is the purest revenge." - Dick Morris eating a heavy meal then immediately jumping into the family pool

"The will to live is a finite resource." - the Commodity Trader's Code

"Yes means no." - Pope Francis' Message to the Female Sex

"Each day is uglier than the last." - Chris Christie's toilet

"God I love it, let the lava hit me!" - Shinzo Abe dies in exploratory Mecha Test Flight

"Stick to hunting Chinese." - Caroline Kennedy addresses Japanese dolphin trappers

"My only fault is that I love the troops too much." - from Robert Gates' memoir, Passion of a Five-Sided Building

"I wanted to change the world but I failed, so now I've decided to change the world by bringing a child into it. Is that narcissism?"
- Georgina Bloomberg

"I only breed with the Elect." - Heiress presumptive Elizabeth turns down cadet Richard Burton's advances in an RAF garage

"Yeah I get around and I make it, fuck you, you are nothing." - Francois Hollande, before taking off on a scooter

"Love is only real to the extent that it is a manifestation of Power." - Anatoly Pakhomov

"Feminism is not okay when it interferes with commerce." - Lena Dunham

"Even men can lean in!" - Sheryl Sandberg

"You don't need civil liberties to fuck." - Generation Y

"Don't be a stranger, make love to me in the washing machine." - Carlos Danger

"Make it for History." - Battleship Clintonkin

"This year there was an unexpected rise in the number of Asians taking selfies. We feel this unforeseen contingency bends the curve towards the total desolation of the National Pool." - Secretary of Education Arne Duncan

"We're losing our edge, we're losing THE TRAITS!" - Michelle Rhee upon reading Amy Chua's Triple Package

"If you can't figure out how to make money off the New Yellow Peril, you don't deserve to go to Stuyvesant!" - Amy Chua

"Good things come to those who take." - Wendi Deng Murdoch

"Really? Haha. Those scared little boys have no fucking idea what's coming." - Tim Cook after a screening of Her 

"You should think of Google as your bro." - Sergey Brin

"I want a moral dictatorship." - David Brooks

"The Duck Dynasty thing is like the soda ban: politics as consumer preference. It's not about what anyone is allowed to do on TV, it's about what people are allowed to consume on TV. People are upset that this particular racial spectacle--and the bigotry which is its secret heart--is no longer for sale. They think they're entitled to buy it. Whether you agree with the Duck Patriarch or not doesn't matter. What matters is, he speaks for your whiteness, or for the whiteness you aspire to. Money is white." - Bobby Jindall
Lovin' in the park
Skeezin' on the beach
Leerin' at the playground
Head full of steam 
- Ronald Reagan and the Mamas and the Papas
"Everything is permissible!" - Tom Hanks shifts from Disney back to Capt. Phillips, live Oscar broadcast

"We're all gonna die some day so might as well chase something!" - Warren Buffett laser hunting on Space Isle of Lesbos, the Outer Rim

"Anti-Cristo..." - Anthony Hopkins awakening on the desert earth

"Disraeli!!!" - Prince Harry destroying tapestries with a rake

"Why that's a weird dance you kids are doing, what's it called?"
"Are you some kind of square? It's the Slow Motion Collapse!"
- Clinton doing an educational rap song with children on Earth Day

"You can't dodge the Bottom." - Philip Seymour Hoffman

"Never worry whether violence undermines your cause, only whether your cause undermines your violence." - Vladimir Putin, Pitchfork review of Pussy Riot's set at the Amnesty International's Bring Human Rights Home Concert

Monday, February 3, 2014

We Watched the Superbowl

"Why'd I have the spinal fusion?" - Peyton

"Man, everyone is letting Peyton down!" - Father Christmas

"The whites fucked with the wrong defense." - William Tecumseh Richard Sherman

"I should just turn this shit off and watch Mitt. This won't tell me What Happened to the White Race." - Charles Murray

"This will hit the Business Class everywhere in the gut. They managed to profit off Sherman as both Sambo Thug and New Gen Hero but they lost the plot on the marketing of the White Man, their key mission. The Congo is yours but that doesn't mean you start smoking meth on the Hindenburg. This whole thing is so typical of the Doomed Wager of Western political rightists."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You're just using a bunch of words!"
"We're selling more pizza than ever, but that makes winning the actual game impossible!"
-  Papa John explains the Great Game to Joe Montana

"We're raising an entire generation that doesn't even know what States Rights really means!" - Haley Barbour in despair, NCAA Division I Girls Volleyball Committee meeting

"Meanwhile things are fine in Greater Israel." - ScarJo Soda Star

"It's like it's fucking prom night and he can't even get his dick up."
"Does he even have one?"
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"... and I can do it all while signifying nothing." - Bruno Mars winning final pitch for Superbowl Halftime Show

"These commercials really show that the Sandusky thing is in the past, pederasty is back in football." - Jimmy Johnson

"Nothing is pure! Nothing can simply be what it is! Everything exists only to be reduplicated for the purpose of making money!" - Laurence Fishburne

"Can love save us, Peyton?"
"Nothing can save us."

"Peyton will always be a Top 7 Rich Guy, but he sucks now, yeah."
"He had it coming either way."
- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman 

"Have you ever fucked an osprey?!" - Richard Sherman

"You can saddle a horse but you can't catch a cheetah much less ride one." - Philip Seymour Hoffman

"The Pizza Party is over, Whites get to the salad bar."
"But Peyton..."
"Omaha! Dressing!"
- Down times at St. Jude Children's Hospital

"It's over! You owe me a case of Charles Shaw, bud!" - Bill Clinton to Michael Jordan