Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Southern Nihilist Watches that Evenin' Political Sun Go Down

"I say, I say: The best thing about bein' a Southern Nihilist is the company! Haw haw haw!" - the Southern Nihilist, Cherokee Country Club, Knoxville, TN

"This lemonade is wonderfully relaxing, I sure am glad to get back to some good clean country living after all those sweaty days in town."
"That's moonshine."
- Al Gore on the old farm

"Look, like Poppy says, sometimes the Great Eye falls on you, sometimes it falls on the Demon, and once such a beast stalks the land, you have to tend to your soul, your precious own soul." - Jeb, Bush Compound, Kennebunkport, ME

"Great apes all of y'all!" - Southern Nihilist flies from joy into an alcoholic rage and accosts everyone at the Homecoming Game at State

"Does Hillary Clinton want to govern as a man or as a bitch?"
- Maureen Dowd does what she does

"Well, I may be old fashioned but I think government service is like a fine cup of strong black coffee. Leadership has to be more than just cream." - Robert Gates in a white sweater petting a tabby cat, Kennebunkport

"No, it's not like that, I just take molly to fuck." - Ted Cruz assures his wife he's faithful

"Well, for one, since I started a vegan diet, I've been way less handsy overall with ladies." - Clinton contradicts Southern Nihilist on whether people can change

"You see this windbreaker? Come to Vermont sometime, I'll fucking kill you." - Bernie Sanders to a 15-year-old boy who smirked during his speech in Bull Piss, Iowa

“Sometimes I just feel like my whole life is that scene in The Bicycle Thief. You know, where they go to the restaurant to find some simple happiness and respite but then can only afford appetizers. I mean, Jesus.” - Martin O’Malley, Succulent, Iowa
“Tall cans of beer!” - the Southern Nihilist cancels his scholarship with Tech and dies years later having never left his small town

"My friends and family all think I'm a great guy."
“Not your Mom though."
- Jeb with Ralph Reed, Kennebunkport

"Legal opinions used to be occult masterpieces, but now it's just weaselly scratching." - Professor Southern Nihilist, Duke University School of Law

"¡Un monstruo! ¡Yo soy un monstruo!" - a gust of wind reveals Marco Rubio's comb over

"Since I became a grandmother I'm not in favor of black steel assassinations anymore, I prefer that terror suspects be blindfolded and thrown out of helicopters hovering five feet off the ground." - Hillary in Kiss of Wool, NH

“It burns!” - Tom Brady uses the Bush compound jacuzzi after curfew hours

"We'll see who's laughing when I have my medical license." - Obama makes a crazy fucking bet with Rand Paul over blue margaritas

"I brought a big ol bag of potato chips on the plane! Pass 'em around!" - the Southern Nihilist flies coach for the People

“The wealth gap is a big deal but the reality gap may never be bridged, definitely not dammed.” - the Seven-Eyed Lion-Lamb of the Apocalypse

"Our party platform is disintegration and social war!" - Federation of Republican Cab Drivers and Livery Men

"What killed these whites, doctor?"
"Over saturation of the Ideal. Death by Image. It's rare to see it so concentrated."
- Obama consulting with Dr. Sanjay Gupta

"Meet me at #fullcommunism!" - the bandito Paul Krugman parts ways with you at the Pass to draw enemy fire and live on in legend

"I just can't take being white anymore!” - comes apart in the wind like a daffodil Oregon poverty

"A Deep State at war with itself? Get the fuck out of here—but before you do, have a butterscotch candy." - Biden's meeting with George H.W. Bush goes nowhere fast, Kennebunkport

"Haw haw! Okay okay...would you rather be surgeon general, win an Olympic gold medal, or win one of those scratch lottery cards where you get to play again for free?" - the Southern Nihilist eating catfish with Bill Clinton

“It’s not a question of what’s best for the people, but of what people are best—what sort of subjects are produced by and thrive within what sort of societies. Now, the sort of atomized, mutilated pseudo-objects liberal society calls ‘people’ are hardly the kind you can build communism with. But those are the facts on the ground. So what’s the solution? One the one hand, you could kill them all. On the other hand: if the people clamor for popular dictatorship, who are we to deny them?”
- Donald Trump

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Planned Parenthood

"Priscilla and I believe this money will be best put to use in more permissive tax structures." - Mark Zuckerberg, The Spawn Contract

“TFW #bae is #jihad and #jihad is #bae.” - the last Tweet

“A devastating terror attack against people the assailants knew personally! If you know or work with a terrorist, they could kill you!” - the media

"Attack health workers because they are vulnerable but dispensable." - Hick Command on the Medical Abyss

“California hicks are less slackjawed but also less… there.” - Kevin Costner, expert testimony

“Woah, wait, so is this a disgruntled employee, unhinged loser, or Islamicist mass murder? It's as if they are all but variations on the same mutilated life...” - Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Lonely Plastic Room

“Mass shootings are the American call to prayer.” - Tariq Ramadan explains America to Narendra Modi

“Britain is going to war, because everyone else is!” - David Cameron, post-Raqqa airstrike pig-fucking reception

“‘Is it terrorism?’ Even ask this insipid question is to surrender your intellectual integrity and become thing-like. Is it terrorism? Or am I something other than a buoy bobbing up and down on a sea of discourse vomited out by Power?” - Mark Ruffalo, moments before the black hood on Conan

“It’s said that 2,400 people died in the Hajj stampede this September. What are the anemic pleasures of secular Western consumerism compared to such sublime frenzy?”
“I’m sorry, my friend: My understanding is that most people who die in a stampede don't die from trampling but rather suffocate from the press of people while still standing. This is but liberal individualism.”
- FIFA, House of Saud

"I control the channels of the self." - Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, excerpt from trust agreement

"My life was wrecked upon the shores of lassitude long ago, and the waves of time have carried away all that was once left to salvage." - Al Gore

“The sunshine is a fucking lie, this whole world is cloaked in darkness.” - Oscar Pistorious

"America is doomed."
"America is doom."
- Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Hot Rock Sauna Spa, Dirtteeth, NH

"Let's be honest for a second: Who hasn't wanted to shoot up their workplace? It's a natural enough urge. From a very young age--around the time your parents start putting you in time out--humans learn to cope with stress via compensatory fantasies of empowering violence. But what does it tell you about workplaces that, with them, so many grown adults are actually living the dream?" - Zuck wows the House hearing room in a dramatic speech and gets all the H1B visas he can eat

“With the Starfucker Base, we can fuck a whole star system!” - Adam Driver as Star Bad to Oscar Isaac as Godfather II-era Michael Corleone in The Last Bauble

Monday, November 23, 2015

The Sword Is The Axis Of The World and
Grandeur Cannot Be Divided

“Hey, remember when it was 2003 and the French were fucking cowardly traitors? Was there a Facebook filter for that?” - Ahmed Chalabi in Hell

"Close all the Borders!" - Jeff Bezos, 2011 (a.k.a. Year I of the Revolution)

"Je suis Charlie!" - Charlie Sheen

“States are butchers. ISIS is a butcher, France is a butcher, state politics is butchery, the flag is a butcher's apron.” - deGaulle

“...yet I can’t help but wonder, Monsieur le Président, what if we’re fighting something that cares about more than image?” - Manuel Valls, post-Raqqa airstrike champagne reception

Do you hear in the countryside
The roar of those ferocious soldiers?
They're coming right into your arms
To cut the throats of your sons, your women!

To arms, citizens!
Form your battalion!
Let's march! Let's march!
Let an impure blood
Water our furrows!

- Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, singing in the last shower in Raqqa

"AFP reports that, tonight, President François Hollande has ordered air strikes on Raqqa, the self-proclaimed capital of the so-called Islamic State. Coordinating with American military in the region, French Mirage jets bombed twenty pre-selected targets, including a training camp, an oil refinery, and a weapons cache. The number of civilian casualties has yet to be determined, but among the dead is presumed to be France's Socialist Party."

"In light of recent events, I propose Gerard Depardieu." - Putin to Obama at G20, on who will lead a transition to a post-Assad Syria

Moderator: Build a wall or kill them all?

Gov. Kasich: Denying refugees safe haven is a small price to pay for the illusion of safety.

Sen. Cruz: When will we acknowledge that Belgians do not come in peace?

Donald Trump: How did cowboys find their steer in the Old West? The brand. First you shear the sheep. Then you brand them.

Sen. Rubio: This man is precisely the sort of person my refugee parents were fleeing from. I don't agree that Muslims need to wear badges. It's simpler that that. We should just inject them all with that glowing fluid you get before you have a CAT scan.

Sen. Graham: I just hope that we don't blame any moderate rebels for this.

Ben Carson: It's not a commonly accepted fact, but people can fuck shrimp.

- the Milk Bathtub Debate with Carson Daly, Three Nipples, IA

“But, Mme. Le Pen, what is the difference between your brand of extremism and that of ISIS?”
"Excuse me? It's as great as the difference between being Michel Houllebecq's first wife and being his third."
- in L’Humanité

"There is this belief that perhaps our societies offer no opportunity for meaning, only consumption, but have any of these so-called jihadists ever fucked a pop star? Until then, can they really say the West has failed them?" - Sarkozy

“The horror of ISIS is the horror of state formation, of the primitive accumulation, as it were, of the state’s monopoly on violence. Or perhaps it’s more that ISIS are the neoliberal Bolsheviks, overleaping the intermediate stages of development and going straight for full nihilism, the telos of neoliberalism’s reduction of the state to a pure organ of coercion and extraction.” - Christopher Hitchens to Trotsky in Hell

“Zippity do dahhh! Zippity ayyyy! My oh my it's a wonderfulll dayyy!!!!”
- Walt Disney’s Song of the Levant

“The whole 'what lives aren’t mournable' critique doesn’t do it for me. It has no purchase on the total inhumanity of the state and capital. Hashtag, Nolivesmatter! We can't wish life into mattering when our reality, down to its finest grain, is built on and reproduced by it quantification, fungibility, exploitation, and control--even on the marshalling of obscene pleasure in the spectacle of life’s gratuitous destruction! And why would we want to—pretend life mattered—if 'mattering' was only ever purchased at the expense of those lives that didn’t? Life has lost its aura and there is no going back!” - Mark Ruffalo before the tranq dart sets in, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

"I know how you feel, buddy. I had a ticket, too." - Sepp Blatter to the severed hand of suicide bomber in Stade de France parking lot

“Words like 'trauma' and 'grief' have nothing to do with Television conducting millions of people to give a shit about the deaths of people they never knew or ever would have known. The media death parade and its mass synthesis of consensual affect are the very opposite of mourning. It is the annihilation of the particularity and finitude of the lives lost and of the only common sense way they might have ‘mattered’—to the people who actually knew and loved them.” - Brian Williams breaks into Rockefeller Center and tries on all the old Cosby Show sweaters

"C'est la guerre." - John Boehner, watching CNN after last call at a Cincinnati watering hole

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Great Turtlenecks in Culture

"Time for an update."
A shockwave of fear ripped across the room.
"Give me your fucking iPhones. All of you."
The terrified shareholders reverently placed the sacred objects upon the conference table. Black stones on a black altar.
"You can get the new model from HR," said Jobs, circling the table, hammer lolling in his hand.
One by one, he smashed the phones, like an undertaker driving so many nails into a great coffin.
He stopped.
"What. the fuck. is this."
"I--I--I haven't had a chance to update my plan yet--I meant to--I just--"
"Put your hand on the table."
"No--please!--No!--I swear!--I was going to--"

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Primary By Ordeal


"There are no principles, there's only the way we want the world to be." - Trump

"You ever fucked a loaf of cornbread?" - Scott Walker to Bobby Jindall before the Carousel Debate

"Bring back the ivory trade!" - Mike Huckabee, Des Moines Zoo

"I joined the Party because I was a revolutionary, not because of any ideological nonsense." - Trump

"I am the hateful Thing." - Marco Rubio, naked in the mirror

"Death meat wagons!" - Jeb in the midst of starch withdrawal gestures wildly at Suburbans and Yukons filled with Florida Christians

"The latex body movement is underrated and had a profound influence on my confidence." - Lindsey Graham

"Do it, son!"
"No, father, no!"
"DO IT!"
- Jeb Bush bests his father in the fighting pit

"I will bathe in the blood of my foes as Lady Justice, with a sword of diamond." - Carly Fiorina cows trump in the Chevy Debate

"The meritocracy is more competitive than ever before." - David Brooks, real or fake?

"Hey, doll, pour me some of that jazzy Cuban coffee and let's make eyes." - Al Gore, having a stroke while tailing Rubio undercover in South Beach

"The Authority will handle this!"
"Why don't you handle it?"
"I don't even know how to begin to want to handle my own problems."
- the Voter

"No one can look upon the slaughterhouse and fail to recognize himself in it." - Obama

"That's me, I'm John Hurt!" - Jerry Brown watching Snowpiercer

"...and crocodiles are extraterrestrials." - Rand Paul

"If you put a glory hole in there, the right kind of person will show up." - Al Gore 2016

"Four million more years!" - symbiotes cheer Xtyhl Sanders for High Administrator-Priest of the Joint Lizard-Mecarthropod Co-Propserity Sphere

"Touch not the eggs!" - Arachnid Clinton

"Wall it up!"
"No gentlemen, everything can be a wall, even air!"
- the Republican Study Committee breaks up into the Freedom Caucus and the True Sight to the Eyeless Caucus


"My husband is a saxophone in the trio of the Kim trilogy of unicorns."
- Ri Sol-ju

"You of all people should have known: Love is not a meritocracy."
- Melania Trump casts Donald out of the airship

"People forget about me. They forget I played a pedophile clown in a 70's B-drama." - George Pataki

"How do I get in, Jeb?"
"To what, young lady?"
"The Deep State."
- Kittenkaboodle, Iowa, Jeb! Campaign stop where candidate increasingly appears unnerved

"The Will of the Law? No Mercy! The Will of the Law? No Mercy!" - Yale Law School Class of 2018 driven into a bloody frenzy by a visiting magistrate

"TPP is necessary, because we don't know what kind of democratic changes might undermine our neo-liberal economic order in the future." - Hillary Clinton, the Hampstead Kennel Debate double reversal

"Ouzu is clear!"
"No! It is cloudy in its true form!"
- Syriza splits

"You like Legos, huh? I bet I can fuck your shit up on any set." - Mitt strokes a space shuttle as he tries to convince the last Super-delegate, 13-year-old Peachy Grandwillow, not to vote for Trump

"It was chilling, of course, but sometimes I dream of the pagoda, and the pool in the garden." - Clinton on North Korea, dictation hour 3,216, My Life: The Rest of My Life

"I play to people's fantasies... I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration--and a very effective form of promotion." - Donald Trump in his memoir, The Art of the Deal

"I will be president and we will have Cuba, I made a promise to the Bacardis and a blood oath to La Causa!" - Marco Rubio, only candidate to appear at Univision GOP Debate

"Nonsense. I love rum." - statement released by the Jeb! Campaign, candidate not seen in public in 4 months at this point

"I like Barethon, I like his wife, I like that Red Witch, she's great--he's great and you know--I think a lot of people are going to support us." - Trump

"Yeah folks, I hate the Clintons. Because I could not escape them in life, I shall thwart them in death!" - Obama's lame duck anti-philosophy

"I love to laugh with Bill, but I know Huma won't bat an eye at any request I make." - Hillary

"Well look everybody--my brother is going to be a little different now. He's going to have gained a little weight and may lack hair to most appearances. You'll get him, folks, but he just doesn't speak straight English anymore." - George W., newly appointed head of Jeb! Campaign at the Emergency Press Conference

"Every 62 million years the solar system drifts to the northern frontier of the galactic plane, exposing it to higher levels of intergalactic cosmic radiation and precipitating mass extinctions, but I will always have a six-figure salary." - Anthony Weiner

"Men used to do the right thing and maintain multiple families secretly." - Phyllis Schafly

"No consequences for the right people, ever." - Tom Brady wearing that dumb hat he wears when he lies in public

"OUT DEMON!" - Al Gore violently beats his chest in a ceremony curing self-inflicted hiccup attack victims Eric Cantor and John Boehner

"Maybe some of the knowledge workers can't be saved, and maybe they shouldn't be." - Piketty

"Never forget, never cease to honor those who died in battle, for in doing so we forget the causes and results of conflict. It is thus that our Empire suspends Time and luxuriates forever in the sublimity of War." - Obama, end of Episode VII at Arlington

"A liberal is one who is only accidentally but always racist." - Matt Damon, Miracleman

         An Interlude by Night with Charlie Rose:

"There's only one ride I'll never turn down, the Caramel Carousel--make it, baby?" - Charlie Rose goes for last call bliss

"Save a line o' Jazz for your boy now." - Charlie at the Hep Note

"There's only one thing I take more seriously than golf, and that's Jazz." - Rose holds forth at Ruth Chris happy hour

Heheh Haw haw! "...and Jazz of course."
"Actually, Charlie, I don't really like Jazz, the one thi--"
"And that's all for tonight. Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, and to you all there out there, beyond, goodnight."
- 14 minutes of dead air

"You gotta do it, man."
"I know, old friend of mine, Master of Iron, but I just don't know what prescription drug I want to hawk."
- Arnold Palmer and CR

"Who did you really want to kill?"
"Aw, Charlie, folks at home don't want to know about that."
- CR and former President Obama, post-Portal

"Me? No, I don't tour outside south Florida anymore." - CR gets into a Tiger Cab in South Beach

"And what if 'Charlie Rose' is just an abstraction, a parody of something that might have been but never was, yet which will live on in all eternity?"
"Very clever haw haw."
- Jorge Ramos and CR

"Sleep is for people who can't see beyond the pale shade of society. Who can't see that all is a natural struggle between Races." - CR after starting the morning show

"Certain women you kiss, they taste of ash." - to Gayle King, pre-taping


"I watched Alien again." - Jimmy Carter to the Cabinet

"The only killer I respect is Lincoln." - El Chapo

"I can't wait until both Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders are heads of state and nothing is different."
- Tony Blair behind David Cameron in line to fuck a unicorn, Jade Pagoda, Pyongyang

"I've freaked my Dad out. I told him I don't want to breed. He seems to have taken comfort in the belief that it's an ecological matter. This is true to a great extent, but I also think that being a person is sort of a raw deal." - Lindsey Graham

"As regards Planned Parenthood, anyone who has watched this videotape--I dare Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama to watch these tapes... Watch a fully formed fetus on the table, its heart beating, its legs kicking, while someone says 'We have to keep it alive to harvest its brain.'" - Carly Fiorina

"Do it."
"No, Bernie! Please!"
"We have to do it, Candy. We've got no choice now. Unleash the Dark Memes!"
- Bernie Sanders up against the wall at the Puerto Rican primary

"I lost my fucking mind in high falutin' Democratic fragility." - Historian Sean Wilentz on Bernie Sanders and/or his latest leftist freak out

"I mean, who's really to blame here?" - Clinton, at the conclusion of an incident set in motion by a series of schemes, casual lusts, and procrastinations

"Of course we're in fucking crisis, EVERYONE is--by design! Ah, well... if only, it's much more sinister and insane than that. The fact is the model of life we all live is crisis, along with unobtainable overlapping contradictory fantasies, imposed cynicism and personalized lies. Everyone whose life is not dominated by real terror and material impoverishment is fine, everything else is a bullshit scam and a prison of some kind. You're welcome to it." - John Boehner addresses the GOP Members Only Caucus on his resignation

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Show Me a Mayor

Oscar Isaac as Al Pacino as Mayor Heat in Show Me A Mayor

"The people cry out for a mini-series." - Joe Biden

"Omg! Cities!" - Prestige Crime Drama

"...and you play Lord Hawhaw Bossman...." - David Simon gets it together with Bob Balaban

"Only a white Hispanic can save us." - Oscar Isaac as Ted Cruz in the unaired pilot for Ciudad de la Futura, on the failed quest to complete the trans-pacific Tijuana monorail

"There is a white beyond white, a white we can all be, with the right charter schools: hyper-white."
- Cory Booker

"Every city a Singapore!" - your friends in 15-20 years (post-date for exposed brick)

Hot mayors, cool law,
Lobster roll just a worm covered in slaw
- Springsteen plays on car radio

"The mayor told me I could be homecoming queen."
- Max von Sydow shows up uninvited on set

"The show is compulsively watchable but tastes of bran."
- A.O. Scott deigns to turn on the TV in his apartment

"We'll have to write our way out."
- twelve show runners trapped in a mine

"Do it again, but cheaper."
- Paul Haggis directing

"Wow, man, Catherine Keener hasn't aged a day--"
"That's Winona Ryder."

"I find Ballers more compelling because the Rock is sort of asexual; like he's supposed to be sexy but he can only be charming. There's a fuck scene between him and his gal and it's not sexy at all, it's alike watching two marmots fuck." - Michael Douglas, high, interrupts an impromptu That's 70's Show reunion at the Premiere after-party

"I can do anything!"
"So what, I can do it by barely doing anything at all."
-Nic Pizzolato and David Simon

"Somebody hacked the TSA body scanners and are vaporizing the people!"
- Meanwhile at the Newark airport

“Most lives are seed scattered on fallow ground.” - Michael Bloomberg

"Whoa. Look, I'm not racist, but..." - Everyone

"A liberal can't win."
- David Simon smoking in a children's hospital

Wednesday, July 15, 2015



“There is no right or left in Greece. We are all united in the Oxi to European dominance.” - Ioannis Metaxas

"Witness the horrible triumph of liberal democracy: a people given the chance to abolish the future, but they have to fucking vote to do it!"
- bandito Paul Krugman

"As this plebiscite is the only thing I've received from the state in five years, I'm naturally worried that they're going to take it out of my pension. Wouldn't it be better simply to default on the vote itself?"
- chorus of 40% of eligible voters

“The purpose of voting is to constitute and legitimate the state: voting 'no' is a contradiction in terms.” - Jürgen Habermas

"Greece exit? Such hubris. America has spent her whole life trying to leave Europe, only to succeed in turning the entire World into a shitty imitation of it." - Janet Reno

“If we deconstruct the binary of 'oxi' and 'nai' in the text that is the demos of Hellas (placed under erasure) it becomes clear that the notion (der Begriff) of choice (from the Germanic and Old French 'chois') phallocentrically (not to mention eurocentrically!) (re)presses and maintains its putative neoliberal contrary: non-choice.”
- Avital Ronell, op-Ed Le Monde

"Save me from my Teutonic banality, ye profligate children of the Reich!" - Gerhard Richter, shouting to anyone who will listen outside his summer home in a bunker above Thessaloniki

“Greece gave birth to Western civilization, and Greece has the right to destroy it." - Nia Vardalos

“Say it with Euros, boys!” - Laskarina Bouboulina

"Angela will lose that smirk when we join the Drachma." - Silvio Berlusconi's 15th inaugural address

“Forget the drachma! What will happen when I'm forced to convert my tax exemptions into Swiss Francs?” - Greek media mogul George Bobolas

“We stand in solidarity with our Greek brothers in their stand against European infidels.” - various ISIS Twitter accounts

Gypsy children at the station want a coin, want a savor,
Oh, momma, don't that ouzo sting so sweet,
Ridin' commando on an Athens-bound bus,
‘Oxi,’ she said, ‘Oxi...’
- Kris Kristofferson, Live at the Parthenon, Athens 2015


"To change nothing, forever" - scrawl in ballpoint pen covering the walls of the Finance Minister’s private bathroom stall, discovered by Euclid Tsakalotos on his first day in office

"We will negotiate with you!"
"No, fuck you, pay me."
- Plan B

“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.'” - Wolfgang Schäuble explains the business cycle to Yanis Varoufakis, prompting his resignation

“What the fuck happened?”
“What happened is, we’ve been trolled. Consummately trolled. Trolled like fucking Congressmen on Twitter. Trolled by an avant-garde performance of the vacuity of Leftist hopes.”
- Omar Sharif talks down the panicked Jacobin editorial board while cooly drawing on his last cigarette

“There is no coup. Everything is working as intended: democracy to banish all forms of domination except the economic, the EU to advance democracy, and social democrats to secure capitulation under the guise of resistance.” - European Council President Donald Tusk

“Fiscal responsibility is the most successful meme of our time.”
- Jānis Reirs, Finance Minister of the ‘Nation’ of Latvia

“Endless penance!” - Pope Emeritus Joseph Ratzinger

"Let my semen be their tzatziki." - Dominique Strauss-Khan

"Bring another bottle, something actually fucking dry!"
“Herr Schäuble, that's the fifth bottle you've sent back!"

"I try to stay away from politics wherever possible." - Angela Merkel

"You can't just consign an entire nation to austerity and isolation!"
"What about your Newark, New Jersey?"
- Vox panel stumped by Christine Lagarde

“Human goodness does not scale up!” - David Graeber, late night confession to Pablo Iglesias on the Red Telephone

"False consciousness is the new Lutheranism." - Antonio Negri, helping Zizek rake leaves on his estate on the Austro-Slovenian border

“I think I am becoming a god.” - Mario Draghi jumps into the mouth of Mount Etna

"I am the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse." - David Cameron, seated on a Harley next to the Reagan statue in Grosvenor Square

“I don't understand why the Latvians are being such vindictive little bitches. They got to keep their language didn't they?” - Michael D. Higgins, President of Ireland

"Ich bin ein Berliner." - the ghost of Aristotle Onassis

“Liberation theology, like debt forgiveness, must be dispensed with moderation.” - Pope Francis

"There's only one cartel, cabron. It was here before me, and it will be here after me, and it will exist as long as la frontera." - El Chapo

“Alright, Monsieur Piketty, I will see your debt jubilee and raise you one Air Force base.”
“Too rich for my blood, Senator Marshall.” (Folds)

“My progeny has achieved my ultimate goal. I sacked Rome, but they have sacked all of Europe.” - Alaric, King of the Germanic barbarians, on the right hand side of God

“We shall salt your economy so that no business shall ever grow there again.” - Jean-Claude Juncker

"I can see Germany from my house." - Putin, peering through the eye of a 150-foot tall statue of Sisyphus in Kaliningrad accessible only by private escalator

“It’s crazy, isn’t it, what’s going on in Greece right now, how, uh, how hard they’re working over there, and here we are, champagne every night, watching the sunset over Lake Geneva…”
Kerry couldn’t find the words. All he could think about was Zarif, sitting there close beside him. He glanced at Zarif nervously. Zarif’s dark eyes were fixed on him, gentle yet… hungry. Kerry looked back at the lake. His heart was pounding.
Without a word, Zarif slid his hand into Kerry’s and squeezed it tightly. Kerry swallowed. His face went flush. Zarif’s hand was so warm, so soft, so firm.
“I wish these negotiations would never end,” said Kerry.
“Me too.”