Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Two, Three, Many Scotlands

“The Scottish question distresses the bien-pensant liberals of all countries, not just those of Great Britain, because it lays bare the visceral contempt with which the model of the neoliberal, Anglo-American state is regarded even by its own citizens and, what is in fact much worse, dares betray that alternatives to it are possible, that this regime of misery and idiocy is over if you want it to be.” - Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, VICE columnist

“One can perceive in the desperate tenacity with which people cling to the pettiest of their pleasures proof of the essential badness of life. It is for this reason that the importance of nationalism can never be dismissed, analytically or normatively. Miserable as they are, porcelain bulldogs, Dr. Who, the Royals, Big Ben are our last line of defense against the Void. Thus we shall retain Scotland in the same manner as the Dutch acquired New Amsterdam: with a handful of trinkets.”
- Alistair Darling

“Much as mankind tries to put nationalism behind it, what do the kaleidescopic proliferation of fractures in every otherwise consolidated political bloc on the question of Scottish independence reveal but the persistence of the Nation, real and ineffable?” - Prince Charles to Vladimir Putin

“Nationalism is capitalism with a human face stapled to it.”
- Margaret Thatcher

“Nationalism is a reprehensible corruption of family worship.”
- the Queen

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.” - David Cameron, in response to a BBC reporter's question on when he thinks Scotland will be ready for independence.

“Every once in a while a man is asked to risk it all and stop a breached dam with his finger. For the Union, I am that finger.” - Gordon Brown, Sideways Peas Public House

“It’s better to be a concubine than a prostitute.” - George Galloway

“What one cannot seize and hold, one does not deserve to have.”
- Edward I

“To escape the trash-heap of liberal capitalism, humanitarian imperialism, and environmental degradation, everything is necessary, and anything is permissible – even Scotch.” - Ayatollah Khomeini

"If you stay you can take the Trident nuclear subs out past 10 o'clock." - David Cameron

“Only through the denial of others can we come to tolerate ourselves.”
- Morrissey

“I loved you when you were worthy of it; but since you have become a parricide, a firebug, a mountebank, a charioteer, I hate you as you deserve.” - David Bowie

“Macca's 'Temporary Secretary' taught me what it means to feel British and love the Queen.” - Rod Stewart

“You could have had it all!” - Boris Johnson to Edinburgh

"One Scotland? A thousand Scotlands!" - Jeff Bezos, Silicon Valley Secessionist Union

"Surely, part of me is Scottish..." - Prince Harry amasses powder and men in Glasgow

“Would you see an independent Scotland drown in the tears of its Queen?” - Piers Morgan, crying with rage, alone in the shower

“But I’m fertile!” - Kate

“Fear the rebirth of the dragon, and fear his demand of his weight in silver.” - HRH

"Her sex was like the fighter aces of the Great War." - Martin Amis' rejected submission to No Campaign

“Who would betray the Thunder Chattel betrays the nation.” - IOC Vice-President Sir Craig Reedie

“Th-they never loved me! Let’s do this guys! England will never again win Wimbledon but I DID!”
“Right, Andy.”
- Andy Murray, a bored Adidas handler, a disgraced ENT doc on back-spasm watch, an empty condo complex in Miami, a TV tuned to CNN, Sprite, one or more Malcolm Gladwell books, two competing records for Instagram checks in an hour, greasy discarded ointment tubes, power cleaned high fiber density carpeting, Papa Johns pineapple and mushroom (XL) 5 slices, Avatar hanging out of the Asus, the Saltire proudly magneted to the fridge.

“Scottish independence is the political liberation movement equivalent of getting drunk at a wedding and sleeping with someone you didn't know was your second cousin." - Sinn Feinn Official Statement

“Yeah, do it for the Falklands.” - Cristina Kirchner

“Well, we submitted the results of our referendum to Westminster years ago, but since no one could read it, we're still British.” - Dylan Thomas

“I believe in the authenticity of this referendum about as much as Samuel Johnson believed in the authenticity of the Ossian Cycle.”
- Terry Eagleton

"What! We're holding a referendum?! Why wasn't I briefed?"
"We're conducting this referendum on a need to know basis, James."
- Sean Connery and Mel Gibson

“You mean people are allowed to vote on that sort of thing?”
- Hillary Clinton

“We literally have nothing. Abandon yourself with erotic satisfaction to the sheer intellectual poverty you behold in our ‘advice-columns’ to the Scottish.” - establishment liberals of other countries

“What Palestinians must come to terms with is that liberal America only has room in its heart for one Tibet.” - Natalie Portman

“If only the Kurds were Buddhist, or if only California were full of fake Muslims.” - Henry Kissinger

“We'll take on the national debt of Scotland, no problem.” - Harvard Board of Trustees

“Why don't they just submit their request for statehood to the UN like a civilized nation?” - Mahmoud Abbas

“Without the Scottish, England will finally be conservative enough to apply for statehood.” - Rick Perry

“Adam Smith is long overdue to accede to his rightful place on a currency”. - Rand Paul

“This referendum is going to set our flag back 300 years!” - St. George

“You know it’s the right thing to do because all the villains are against it.” - Brian Cox

“Racism, that's the only explanation.” - Erdogan to Merkel, as overheard by GCHQ

“Half a league onward, boys!” - from an open letter to Scottish Parliament, signed by the new government of Crimea

“You never really leave England because England is Everywhere, England is Hell, You are England, and This Is It.” - President Obama, commencement speech at St. Andrew’s

“Okay, okay, my last offer. I’ve worked it out, and if you vote to stay with us, each and every one of you will wake up to find Franz Ferdinand’s complete discog in your iTunes, on your phones. We’ll take a jog and clear our heads, all right?” - David Cameron

“Well, I’d like you to eat it.”
“It’s--it’s not ready.”
“It’s insurance.”
“Why, if I eat this you’ll recon--”
- Alex Salmond, David Cameron, address to an uncooked haggis, eve of the election, Aberdeenshire

“Nobody cares that The Sun is eliminating Page 3, then?” - Sean Bean

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


"Jazz is such a literature!" - Macca

"That should have been me playing basketball with Miles Davis." - Macca

"Well, hey fellas, we haven't heard from me yet." - Macca keepin it light at a Wings band meeting

"For me it'll always be '67 and all the amazing things that happened then. What was your favorite Beatles year?"
- Macca on the Today Show

Macca Apologizes for Cover of "Springtime for Hitler"

"What we always liked about playing Berlin was the statch laws were vaguer there and everyone was always on blues." - Macca

"Yeah, I used to write songs about pressuring girls into sex but now I just write about how nice it is to make love to your old lady." - all of the former Beatles

"Drummers don't float!" - Macca, throwing Ringo off a yacht, Tampa Bay, 1967

"Macca? I hardly know her!" - Burt Reynolds driving off in an El Camino, 1977

"All I need is my hair color and a woman who could be in an uninteresting magazine." - Macca

"I'm a Paul McCartney's Paul McCartney."- Bono, on a North Korean radio that can only be turned down, not off

"The truth is, I can't name a single African recording artist." - Macca

"Everything about them, their teeth, dandruff ladies hair, the accents, the endless limericks and inside jokes, terrible. - George Martin

"And he said to me, 'I'd give it all up if I could just play bass like Paul McCartney.' Yeah. Wow." - Macca on Jimi Hendrix to an amazed Bob Costas

"I'm confident that when the dust settles and the long view is taken, history will remember the Beatles not for the long-hair and the pot, but for our farsighted criticism of the welfare state and our pioneering work in branding." - Macca

"I think peace is the important thing, yeah. Peace and love. You know we've givenem a lot? We should be like together. [...] Me old Dad liked Scotland, but he wouldn't of even stood for devolution, said it was like "dogs guvenin' themselves,' could be lads. [...] Oh yeah, Rod [Stewart] was a Scot, he was. I liked the Highlands best myself, but the memory is a bit smidged... Making love to a woman with one leg changes you, it's not like yesterday." - Macca on the Scottish independence referendum, Rolling Stone interview by special correspondent Ringo Starr

"In the end you were right, damn you, damn me, damn this dance we do." - John Lennon greets Macca in Hell

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Daydreams of Power

"Cats lick your feet at night, it's fucking uncanny." - Hillary Clinton, Brassed Balled Hard Road Memoir

"I had a dream last night that Mitt Romney was standing by the bed watching us sleep all night, to keep us safe."
"I had the same dream too honey, unless..."
- Paul and Janna Ryan on 2016

"This nation doesn't need a leader, it needs a figurehead." - Joe Biden

“What depresses me most is, we may actually live in a democracy.”
- Zephyr Teachout

"Elections must be rigged to spare the People embarrassment." - Putin

"Democracy is my bath towel." - Putin

"Why run for office when you can live it?" - Putin

"I assure you, it's worth it." - Putin

"Koni, that bitch, she took a piece of my thigh." - Medvedev

"Putin time traveled here from the past, sent by Peter the Great to protect the Race!" - Pavel Gubarev

"If Kurt Russell can't land that plane Laura, then literally no one can."
- George W. Bush to his wife while watching Executive Decision, the White House, 2005

"Zero Dark Dirty!" - Al Gore waiting for you naked in your hotel room in Islamabad

"Holy shit it feels good to be back on the War Team!" - Peter Beinart

"All the time." - Rahm Emmanuel on the Israel Ballet in Tel Aviv
"I want to run my hands through the dirt of the Land." - Sheldon Adelson whispering in Scarlett Johansson’s ear

“What we do today falls forever on deaf ears.” - Norman Finkelstein leads a sit in

"When I am accused of hypocrisy for associating with Zionists, I could say that just because someone is a Zionist does not mean that they are wholly bad, that I can be friends with a person without condoning every part of who they are, but instead I will simply say that I accept the accusation and admit that I am at times regrettably and selfishly amoral in my associations." - Conan O'Brien

"Sorry we treated you like the wogs, here's their land." - UN General Assembly Resolution 181

"Whether or not the Iron Dome works is besides the point if it makes the People feel safe to be afraid." - Bibi

"What are 1.8 million living human shields compared to 6 million dead ones?" - Khaled Mashal

"After I read that quote I have lost my pure black and white vision, now there are so many colors ahhhhhh! The light!" - James Joyce having a vision of the future or an ocular syphilitic attack

"Our god is an awesome god!" - Congressional Subcommittee of Sacrifice to Baal

"No! It was not given to Man to wield the power of the Manifold!"
"Not to Man... to Genius!"
- Neil de grass Tyson to Carl Sagan as the latter reveals himself godlike, universes coiling in his hair, a man of the atom; or, Steven Spielberg to the George Lucas as he applies CGI "updates" to the Zapruder film

“What if all the prophets were false?” - Jay Carney’s five-year-old daughter, looking up at him with searching eyes

“Ain’t no God in Louisiana, Son Boy, but there’s a Devil!” - Pa

"And even if there were a God, why do you think He would care?"
- Ray Kelly

"Nothing is more damning of this life than mankind's desperate need to believe in another." - National Flood Insurance Program motto
Ben Bernanke Arrested for Shooting His Broken Down Sedan with Shotgun
"In Buddhism there are many Hells..." - Barack Obama, quietly into the night, watching his daughters play in the backyard of the Hawaii compound

"You can't stop Ragnarok, Mommy, but you can meet the Fenris wolf on his own level." - Reagan the One-Eyed

"Hey, you're a mom." - why the drought won't affect you

"It's a spicy meatball!" - Malthus

"Cyber attack, nano strike!" - John McCain falling out of his California King Size bed, 2022

"Blood on the catfish!" - James Carville savagely attacking Paul Begalla with a fork at a bog dinner party

"Rattlesnakes in the bath! - Clinton awakes with a scream

“I can’t sleep at night, Ornette Coleman pursues me in my dreams!”
- Sean Parker, awaking just as a dust storm strikes Burning Man traffic

"Trial by combat!" - President Matt Damon, Miracleman

"My friends the Kochs want what any capitalists want: to convert the entire world into a steel object that they own." - Eric Cantor, Key Note Address at 'Koch Fest' before surviving a white tiger attack

"Shakespeare didn't even write his plays, I did." - Antonin Scalia

“I was at the Battle of Tours.” - Newt Gin Ginch to his recovered memory therapist

“We should put them all in camps.” - John McCain gets loose at the Ford Baths, Bohemian Grove

“Killing is fine so long as it is orderly and on schedule.” - Eisenhower

“Help! I'm Evil! Ebola patients came to me looking for help and I gunned them down! The blood got everywhere and it infected everyone and I fled!”
“It's ok. You're a white man. You have to do what you have to do. Everyone will understand.”
- Sean Penn and Nicholas Kristoff

"Goddamnit, I just want to feel something!" - John Boehner, pounding the steering wheel with his fist while he argues with his wife on the way to pick up the kids, or, numb on cocaine, fitting his dick into a meat grinder

"What's wrong with me can't be fixed doctor."
"Maybe, maybe not, son, but I'm going to graft this indestructible metal to your bones."
- Dr. John Boehner with teenage runaway Eric Cantor

"The life of the cheetah is so cruel. How can they bother to live?"
"Because they know not how to ask. Such is God's mercy to beasts."
- John Boehner and Eric Cantor watching the Discovery Channel, last day of work

"Did it ever really matter? Did we ever really care? Or was it all just about slapping backs, fancy lunches, a rental place in Georgetown?"
- Lt. Cmdr. John Boehner to Sgt. Eric Cantor just before they are annihilated by the Impersonal Force

“Smash all illusions until the only one left is yourself and then smash it too.” - Peyton Manning, from his autobiography The Perfectibility of Man and Other Myths, forward by John Gray

“How can I monetize my despair?”
“I dunno how bout get a job.”
- Al Gore after crashing for 10 weeks on Bill Clinton’s Harlem couch

“You’ll never be truly free.” - Ornette Coleman to a pianist

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Fascist Foodies

"If it's not al dente, it's just not pasta." - Mussolini

"That kale is not on the menu of every restaurant in this country is literally a crime against humanity." - Hitler

"I only drink Mexican Coke." - Franco

"Hmm... Do I want truffled fries or avocado fries?" - Imelda Marcos

"Freshly cooked steel-cut oats are the only fucking way I can start the day." - Stalin

"I carry a small bag of tamari almonds with me everywhere I go."
- Eva Peron

"The only thing I love more that quinoa is muff." - Gertrude Stein

"Is this arugula collectively farmed?" - Trotsky

"I drink wine from the skulls of desaparecidos to feel more Chilean."
- Pinochet

"Man was born to die." - Food Renunciationist Oswald Mosley

"I don't eat anything I haven't killed myself." - Ariel Sharon

"Chocolate, anyone?" - Putin, serving slices of Ukraine

"At table the Führer made another strong plea for vegetarianism. I consider his views correct. Meat-eating is a perversion of our human nature. When we reach a higher level of civilization, we shall doubtlessly overcome it." - Paul McCartney

"Vegetarianism, veganism, locavorism--all overreactions to the Fallenness of Man." - Michelle Obama

"People say Freud is dead, but all I see is oral regression."
- Caliph Ibrahim

"Send monsieur up a whore and a pot of coffee, immediately."
- François Hollande's secretary

"More slaw?" - only line of dialogue written from Al Gore's unfinished World War II screen treatment Copper Willed Men Together

“Why, I do believe I'll have the slaw with that ham sandwich!!!” - FDR screaming at a lunch counter, Biloxi, MS

"Alright folks, group lunch. Let's hand out the burgers, one for each and then we'll share those sides, right? Ok, where's the slaw?"
"Well. Mr. President, usually Jay would get the slaw."
::His mouth open, vacant stare, a humming sound...::
"Mr. President?"

"Always have it on hand, always." - Bill Clinton, "Re: Slaw," first declassified memo, Clinton Presidential Library

"What's all that in the fucking tub, James?"
"Get in, Mary!"
- the Carville Household Slaw Tub

"That cake looks like shit." - FDR

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Forever War, or, The Sustainability of Evil

"It's okay, no one cares anymore, you can kill them all this time if you want, or not, it doesn't matter." - John Kerry

"Whether you believe that Zionism and liberalism are essentially incompatible depends on how invested you are in thinking of yourself as a liberal instead of simply as a racist." - Peter Beinart

"Don't just watch the news, fucking motorboat it." - VICE News

"Climb every mountain, break every ceasefire." - Julie Andrews reading stories at a UN refugee camp

"Our blood is more precious!" - Ayelet Shaked attacking her daughter's ballet class

"It is no longer enough to drive the Jews into the sea. When this is accomplished, we will trade in our rockets for torpedos." - George Galloway

"Why think about things when you could make money off of them?"
- Dieudonné 

"The only good Jew is an anti-Semitic Jew." - Slavoj Zizek

"Violence is the only thing that matters." - Bibi whispering in the ear of his waiter as he tips big

"Would you rather push a thousand buttons or one button a thousand times?" - Vote for Hillary

"We knew we could count on him." - Hamas on Netanyahu

"My ancestors' suffering gives me the right to kill you!" - David Frum fighting Rashid Khalidi for the last chicken wing, MSNBC green room

"The Left has lost its monopoly on the hysterical." - Bernard-Henri Levy

"What we're seeing in Gaza is just another episode in the ancient struggle between the people and the State." - apparent foreign policy genius Joe Biden

"The first rule of modern urban warfare is that a threat can come from anywhere. In fact, threat is a kind of intrinsic property of the architectural environment itself. Every window, every wall, every stairway, every door, every playground, every brick and every stone, is a physical manifestation, as if out of Void, of anti-Semitism, and it must all be destroyed." - Matan Vilnai

"The double standard being imposed on Israel is unbelievable. No other country in the would be expected to accept this level of threat from its mass-imprisoned underclass." - Alan Dershowitz

"Why Israel? Because we care more when it's white people involved. When the news is on, I can barely tear myself away from the screen."
- Tahsin Beg, Yezidi spiritual leader

"What you are missing amidst all the talk of war crimes and occupation and human suffering is that it is undisciplined, unprincipled political laziness relying on the safety of insular coteries that we have to thank for history's greatest opportunities in urban renewal." - Michael Bloomberg

"This is not a Christian land, and Christian morality, of which every condemnation of Israel's conduct towards the Arabs stinks, does not apply here. This is the Future." - Elie Wiesel, key note address to AIPAC Policy Conference 2014

"The truth is, there is no end game here. We'll do what we have to do and say what we have to say to keep this going forever." - Moshe Ya'alon

"On the one hand, one admires the Israelis for their Nietzscheanism and is moved by the force of their rhetoric, the clarity of their vision, the purity of their violence, the vividness of their hatred, and, on the other hand, it's all very Game of Thrones." - Lena Dunham

"Nothing you say on this blog can be as crazy as the things Zionists say in real life." - Yochanan Gordon

"I did what I did out of selfishness, cowardice, and weakness. I confess this to you with no expectation of forgiveness, let alone of pity, nor with any hope that I may salvage from this self-awareness any semblance of integrity, honor, or respect. On the contrary, it only deepens my shame. Hate me. I deserve it. I share your disgust for me and your contempt for what I have done. The righteousness of your anger is the only consolation left to us." - Barack Obama to a dead Palestinian child

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Outer Heaven in Our Time

"How dare they challenge the Forever Peace!" - John McCain on ISIS

"We're sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons and meanwhile the real libertarian dream is being lived in the Islamic State!" - Elon Musk overturns the game table at the Marin County Community Center

"What will the wogs do without the borders we provided them?"
- Winston Churchill to Mark Sykes in Hell

"The truth is, we didn't know what we were doing, we only knew that it was long past time for the colonial order to fall, so we gave it a push."
- Donald Rumsfeld

"I am the Angel of History." - George W. Bush 

"Where's the fast-forward?" - Bibi, fiddling with the Button

"...And so the last Emperor said, 'Why not let the Jew rule this land?' And peace echoed in perpetuity." - Book of Drone

"But what if this region were Rebooted as a series of air conditioned domes? Air conditioned societies! The whole of the Middle-East could be like the Qatar World Cup. It wouldn't be charity, investors would achieve a return in a responsible way, while the region's governments could safely dispose of excess labor populations. Win for win."
- Bill Gates, TEDxNYU Abu Dhabi

 "Can you feel the wind rising?" - Godzilla

"A currency doesn't need or want a state, only credit." - Chief Bitcoin Alchemist The Eternal Winkolvii, Athens: Open City

"It's not that things have to stay the same, necessarily, but that we can see no alternative to the status quo. Until you dwell in the sublime myopia of dogma and allow yourself to See No Further, you'll keep making the mistake of trying to give us something tangible that you think we want. We want you to plug in, little battery, and hum on until you burn out." - from "Succumbing to the Portal's Expanding Zone," Official Chamber of Commerce White Paper

"In the New China, we are free even of a sense of purpose."
- Optimus Xi

"The only way out is on top." - libertarian social policy, or, General Stanley DarkCrystal sending an entire Stanford University Center for International Security and Cooperation seminar to their deaths in a futile effort to take Pod 78

"Where's the submarine Davos Angel?"
"She went into the trench, sir."
"My God... All of the Thought Leaders are on board!" 

"A mind is a terrible thing." - Gen. Michael Hayden looks out on NSA pocket dimension Tartarus II

"Functions of the Imperial War Machine don't die, they just disaggregate." -  Totally Independent and non-Pentagon Affiliated Military Analyst Fmr. General Barry McAffrey

"Columbus, Sir Francis Drake, Magellan--these men weren't just explorers, they were CEO's!" - Timothy Geithner listens to his son give his high school class graduation speech and is horrified, he now knows it is necessary to turn against nature and destroy him

"Obviously, under the principles of asesthetic and monetary competition things will get out of hand and a Most Dangerous Game will be initiated. I for one cannot wait. Once you've shot all the wolves, your drones have to chase something." - Sheryl Sandberg promoting her new book Tilt Your Fucking Head to the Right a Little Bit

"I believe that superintelligent dragons once ruled the world." - Peter Thiel, Dreams From My Lizard Father     

"I'm sick of this shit. There will never be any such thing as robot overlords. People wield power over others because it's fun. Machines can't have fun. Take away the desire to dominate, the pleasure it gives, you take away the need to rationalize domination, the perfection of which is imagined by the paradoxical figure of the robot overlord. People who are afraid of being ruled by robots are idiots, and people who want to be ruled by robots are like Maxim readers masturbating with oven mitts." - Michael Bloomberg stroking the neck of an cyborg flamingo

"Big Data told me you were the One for Me." - Clinton interrupts the Oodawallah High School Prom Queen Coronation Ceremony

"I wouldn't go through that ranch if I were you, even if there is water there."
"That's Dr. Paul's ranch. If he catches you there he'll accuse you of stealing his gold and conduct horrible experiments upon you."
"What kind of experiments?"
"Experiments in extreme individuality."
- Madeline Albright Mark Wahlberg lead the Survivors south to safety in Mexico

"The fastest man on Venus couldn't outrun his dual psyche..." - tagline for Jodorowsky's Pistorious Rex

"That ass is crazy and it works like a steam engine."
- Steampunk Clinton

"There is a limit to Fucking." - Thomas Piketty

"Turn me into a vessel for Tomorrow!" - motto on cover of Hobby Lobby Employee Manual with picture of a rocket ship

"Once a woman owns her own uterus, property is meaningless!"
- Justice Samuel Alito, The View 

"We can't keep women in chains, but we can get them pregnant."
- John Boehner

"Privacy is a key concept in American jurisprudence, but we must take care that the doctrine applies only to the Government and never to the more sublime spheres of Power." - CJ Roberts, Ignorance v False Consciousness, 321 US 486 (2000 Forever)

"If you can spread it on a cracker, you can serve it to a liberal."
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Don't you, see, it's about the fucking thrill! The license! Thrill, license, libertarianism, war, religion, freedom, futurism--they're they same, you see?, Absolute! It's like scraping the face of God!" - Antonin Scalia snorting pure blog

"What does Justice Alito always clutch in his hand, so close to his heart?"
"The black stone!"

"Let me lay down some status quo on you." - Anthony Kennedy, first sentence of every opinion

"Believe in yourself: You're a white man." - John Roberts, teaching his son not to move out of anyone's way when he walks down the street

"Excuse me, sir--"
"Just coz I'm black doesn't mean I work here!"
- Clarence Thomas and his clerk

"I'm not racist, I'm just saying, if you had to choose between 'pure blood' and 'impure blood,' what would you do? Exactly. Pure blood every time." - David Mamet to his Tisch Seminar

"The Brown must suffer that this land may be rich." - California State Motto 

"Some immigrants, like some aliens, mean to do us wrong."
- Steven Spielberg 

"Why not let the Market decide the Jewish Question?" - Ron Paul

"Thanks to me black people are now accepted as white ethnics."
- Spike Lee

"The national instrument of Germany is the fretless bass."
- Victor Wooten, Big in Germany

 "For a moment, the Nation was real!" - Dilma

"If national stereotypes are not real in sports, then there is no such thing as sports." - Henry Kissenger

"In honor of today's victory, we offer unconditional political asylum to Edward Snowden!" - Angela Merkel

"All these stadiums, Dilma, while children of the favelas go hungry, why?!"
"...Outer Heaven!"

"Put on a record."
"There are no records!"
"Haw haw haw!"
- Bush Birthday Bash, Kennebunkport Compound

"It's just easiest to be against the future in a general sense." - Grandpa Mitt to his secondary spawn

"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Who cares: it's young."
- Mitch McConnell and Roy Blunt before fucking/eating alive a Senate page

"I just don't like this Blog. I prefer the smile of collusion."
- Lana Del Rey

"My youth is youth as such, and if you don't understand that, you're fucking poor." - Michael Cera

"My youth is my curse; my life, my penance." - Jesse Eisenberg

"I want, therefore I have." - Georgina Bloomberg

"There are way too many bras in the cafe." - Bushwick Clinton

"There's a pencil on a desk at the Clinton Foundation waiting to be pushed by you, young man, if only you renounce." - Ira Magaziner, Brown University Career Fair

"This age is not worth writing a hundred novels about." - Balzac

"Literature has written itself into the ground." - Attention Reform Advocate Jeff Bezos

"And over there regular people were once given books for free." - Bill Daley, The Chicago and Other Cities Still Riding High on How Awesome They Were in the 19th Century Tour

"Total madness, it's almost like the Chicago police can't overcome a national market for firearms." - Super Guns and Big Women editor Lance Clip begins to feel nagging doubt, Peoria, IL

"Let the ants fight, but let them fight with knives!" - Rahmandias

"Kill every peacock!" - the Sun King

"Don't you see it, baby?
"See what?"
"All the Evil everywhere." 

"Father didn't understand. He just wanted things to stay the way they were. But things don't stay they way they used to be. They never even really were they way they used to be really. We're cartoon cats that have always already run past the cliff of history. All I did was look down." - George W. Bush, writing a preface to a new edition of George Sorel's Reflections On Violence on a jetty at Kennebunkport

"There's George Bush! Should we push him into the waves?"
"No. He can't hurt anyone anymore."
- Keith Richards and Sir Mick Jagger vacationing in Kennebunkport

"My Dad will make sure all of you are killed." - Liz Cheney in line at the post office

"I'm not saying Saddam was responsible for 9/11. What I'm saying is that in the aftermath of 9/11, our leaders had an obligation to do everything possible to prevent terrorists from gaining access to even worse weapons. Saddam’s Iraq was the most likely nexus for such an exchange. The war in Iraq, the War on Terror, these are but pieces of a Larger War, a war against probability, against chance, a war in which victory will bring about not just a lasting or even everlasting peace, but the abolition of Time." - Dick Cheney