Monday, July 18, 2016


"Let them ride karts!" - Princess Rania Peach

"Prior to former-Grand Vizier BOWSER taking power in a palace coup, the MUSHROOM KINGDOM was a white human minority-ruled apartheid state headed by an absentee monarch, THE MUSHROOM KING. Order and a facade of multiculturalism was previously maintained in the Kingdom through an alliance between the human ruling class and the market- and state bureaucracy-dominant toadstool minority, with the alliance secured by the mixed half-human, half-toadstool heritage of heir apparent, PRINCESS PEACH. Since taking power, BOWSER, now self-styled KING KOOPA, has refashioned himself as a Chavez-style populist strongman, and his regime enjoys support from a broad coalition of aggrieved populations, including the koopa, goomba, shy guy, boo, bro, cheep, chomp, thwomp, and others. The location of PRINCESS PEACH is unknown, but she is believed to be in a castle. It is the committee’s recommendation that MARIO MARIO, previously of SAO/WHINSEC, be selected for a solo infiltration mission. Regarding MARIO’s qualifications, see our previous report (0719-56) on his successful termination of DONKEY KONG, charismatic leader of a ‘war of liberation’ in the BANANA REPUBLIC." - excerpt, FOXHOUND Intelligence Report 0842-89: Viability of Intervention in Mushroom Kingdom § 0.1 OBJECT OF THE GAME/GAME DESCRIPTION

“Time is out of joint! We've got to reassemble the fucking Triforce!”
"But what if restoring Time in this dimension only put it out of joint in another dimension!"
"My reality is the only one that matters!"
- John McCain and David Frum stranded in the Libyan desert

"Those damn apes put on a tie or a ball cap and we pretend they're human, pretend they're our allies! Well...." - Luigi in hysterics before being slapped by Dr. Mario, the Hot Zone

"I'll knock any fucker out of the screen." - Donkey Kong on the clock

"I don't know where I end and the suit begins. I don't know when this started, or if it will ever end. I don't want to know. I only want to kill." - Samus

"So let me get this straight: you want to have the Super Smash Bros World Cup in fucking Desert Land?"
"We've prepared a series of air conditioned Mushroom Castles for the matches."
- Bill Clinton and King Koopa

“How can one fight what has no Form?!” - inscription found in the ruins of Dream Land

"Why serve when you can rule? If you only knew what Power was, Mario... Join me!"
"You can keep the Princess!"
Donkey Kong and Mario, throwing barrels off a skyscraper onto rush hour traffic

"How can you do this?"
"Anything is permissible in the name of the Princess.”
- Link before hookshotting a goblin family

"Every right arm a gun and every galaxy at peace." - Samus

“Cruel Mario rides upon the very bones of our brothers! Smother your koopalings before he gets here, there is no hope!” - Panic in World 3

Plumber Sought in Connection with Kart Hit-and-Run on Protesters

“He got ‘bout 100 feet out o' town before the Kirby got on em."
“That’s absurd, the Kirby is a myth!”
- Ness and Pokey encounter the Uncanny

"They say Mario is the bastard son of Mussolini's Jewess!" - rumor and fear take hold in Giant Land

"Isn't the Kirby pink?"
"Pink?! Does anyone know what color death really is?"
- Luigi, Link

"Let them live, but de-shell them all!" - Metal Mario

"Jesus, Link, how many damn potions have you had?"
"Not enough to forget."

"Save your breath. There is no God-mode here."
- Luigi and Mario in Minus World

"What is this? What are we?"
"We are a mote in God's eye, nothing more."
- David Frum and John McCain reassemble the Triforce and are surrounded by pure light, Temple of Time, Tripoli

"Princess Zelda, you killed the Mushroom ambassador!"
"That's right, Link—while I'm the Princess of Hyrule, I am also the leader of the Resistance."
"Oh man, fuck!"
- Link goes into DT's as Zelda reveals herself as some kind of Nordic ninja

“Listen to me when I tell you: Kirby is real. Kirby is shapeless shape and formless form, multiple without number, appetite without end. There is neither life nor death for Kirby, for Kirby is the world without us in all its daemonic and malevolent indifference. And Kirby is upon us.” - Wario, confined to an institution for the insane

"Virulent pandemic amid civil war is our brand." - Nintendo

"What sex are those fucking Yoshi’s anyway?"
"You know that, Toad, and you'll know everything."
- Tanuki Suit Mario winks knowingly before flying away

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