Sunday, December 29, 2013

Stillbirth



"I am the illusion of human agency." - the last words of Nelson Mandela

"The moment is not worth living in." -  HM after Duchess Kate shows her Snap Chat

"Reports that human life is inherently valuable could not be independently confirmed." - Reuters coverage of a drone attack on a Yemeni wedding

"The Islamicization of Europe is what those people get for letting down Communism." - Ilich Ramírez Sánchez

"You can help the poor and love everyone as a Catholic should, but the best thing is to Obey." - Pope Francis

"Come now, Mao did what any man would have done with that much power." - Jeff Bezos

"Stop gawking, now sit down and have a drink!"
"But I don't drink..."
"You do now! You'll drink if you want to be Supreme Leader."
- Chelsea Clinton and Georgina Bloomberg, Scores, Singapore

"You can't fail: you have the blood!" - Harvard Finishing School Dean of Grade Inflation

"Nothing in early adulthood is as demoralizing as watching class interest slowly impose itself on one's friends." - Lena Dunham

"I'm so important to human freedom and equality with my boring opinions and deluded self-image." - Ruth Bader Ginsburg heroically dies on the day of the inauguration of President Marco Rubio

"I'm a feminist, but I come first." - Devyani Khobragade

"Nothing a celebrity does is feminist." - Beyoncé

"I pardon your cunt." - Putin frees Pussy Riot

"My relationship to sex and violence is the same: they are all I think about, all I desire, and confronted with the opportunity to engage in either in real life, I shrink away, first in fear, then in disgust." - Cardinal Dolan to a sack of White Castle sliders

"I've always felt like sex was a club to which I was never invited and was only ever admitted to by mistake or force." - Ariel Castro

"I remember when me and Roger used to sneak under the house and read pulp novels. In a way, nothing's changed." - Bill Clinton

"Jesus, somebody get this guy a fucking treadmill." - Rafael Correa visits Julian Assange in the Embassy Taffy Room

"I'm lucky to have had the failures I've had. They enabled me to see more clearly the meaninglessness of it all, to understand, through direct, lived experience, the futility of all our efforts, the final and absolute impossibility of any hope. But this knowledge is cursed, for the same experiences that have enlightened me discredit me in the eyes of others. They think that I'm just a failure, but the truth of my failures is the failure of truth." - Al Gore

"Despair, superfluous man!" - Edward Snowden

"Hey there, corpsefucker. How's it going? Gonna fuck some corpses? Sure is a good day for corpsefucking." - Mitt Romney greets Tagg in the morning

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

What Wouldn't Adorno Do?

"'Good television' is the nadir of civilization." - Adorno

"How will the white flesh escape harm this week?" - the American filmgoer

“Used to be you had to see how bad life was for yourself. Now we've got the pictures." - Cary Grant burying a whore's body

"Bad as they are, we should really give movies more credit for not being television." - Lena Dunham

"One day I'll be an auteur and everyone will know my talent." - Brian DePalma to no one

"I walked out of a screening of Zardoz because the audience was being disrespectful." - Frederic Jameson

"Your bird there, why, she's very unusual."
"Yeah, from the islands! Haw haw haw!"
- Michael Caine and Albert Finney

"God, those tits are awesome, man." - Michelangelo to Boticelli

"It looks like we almost get to see Jennifer Lawrence's breasts in this movie!" - the Maxim reader discovers an ad for American Hustle 

"The murder of Reeva Steenkamp is the truth of the lad's mag." - FHM

"A white man hitting his wife: now that's theater!" - Modernists 

"Actually, I think of my works as comedies." - Strindberg strangling his wife

"To picture evil, make an evil picture." - Koji Wakamatsu

"What makes diners so sacred is that all the cooking is done by men. It's like Lawrence of Arabia." - Bill Clinton 

"Man, this race music is hot!" - Macca

"I don't know it's a little lavish..."
"Aww bitch, money and drugs are always close at hand!"
- Sen. Howard Baker and Elton John, Atlanta Hilton 1973

"I'm afraid my Sega Genesis has come to life and wants to kill me." - Thom Yorke

"I did the soundtrack to all the Sonic games!" - Herbie Hancock

“I’m inside the jazz!” - Rahsaan Roland Kirk

“Chiming ATM’s have more fun.” – Brian Eno, the Danny Boyle of sound

“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
“Nothing should make life more bearable.”
– Adorno and Cioran deciding whether to destroy Eno’s entire discography or just everything since 1976

"I invented Daft Punk, man." - Neil Young drinks pure surgar cane ethanol while discussing Trans at an unlisted Tech Retreat, Marin County

"Nothing should ever be this damn smooth." - Adorno casts a copy of Coltrane and Hartman into the fireplace

"Not a just job. Just a job." - from Jean-Luc Godard's commercial for Volvo Dynamic Steering

"I'm so lost." - Jim Carey

"Be extremely handsome and try very hard." - Michael Fassbender on how to be an actor

“George. George, what is it.”
“I just want it to mean something.”
“What do you mean?”
“My life. This place. Other people. I don’t know.”
- George Clooney, staring off into space in South Sudan

“Protect the crop!” - Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar fights off meth zombies at the Bedtime for Bonzo Memorial Marihuana Gardens, Bohemian Grove

"I've discovered that the venomous species of spiders speak a more refined and entirely distinct speech from the non-venomous variety." - Van Gogh very loudly as he and Gaugin lie down to sleep, the apartment

"If I had known that all of Western Marxism would one day be nothing but a means to extend the consumption of commodities under the guise of critiquing them, I would have stuck to composing music no one listens to." - Adorno

"Why paint a picture when to drink is so much sweeter?" - Peter O'Toole

“In defeat, serenity.” - the Left

"Don't be a hick." - Stalin

Monday, December 16, 2013

POWER IS ITS OWN REWARD

"Who can, deserves to." - James Clapper

"Meaningless triumph!" - Xi Jinping, Moon Day

"All you need is belief... and unlimited violence." - Bashar al-Assad

"If you can't do God's work, do the Devil's." - Jacob Zuma

"Tell me, Goldilocks: How much violence is 'just right?'"
- the ghost of Nelson Mandela, strangling a white liberal in his sleep

"Gambling is fun and it pays better than the rackets!" - Peter O'Toole as Arnold Rothstein in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Fuck. Lou Reed, Madiba, Peter O'Toole... Next they'll take Santa and Castro." - Al Gore crushing Tylenol into a glass of whiskey

"I'm just glad Paul Walker didn't have to see this." - Vin Deisel

"Paul Walker gave us a means to heal both our species." - Anderson Cooper, telepathically linked to a pod of dolphins

"Johnson did it." - Robert Caro on the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination

"The true goal is not the destruction of the Enemy, but the purification of the Race in the crucible of war." - Benjamin Netanyahu, memo on the Iran nuclear talks

"What's that hiss?"
"The sound of everything you ever believed in deflating."
- Viktor Yanukovych, Putin

"Sex is a resource, and, like with all resources, certain people deserve to enjoy greater access to it than other people, and a market system is the best way to find out who is what kind of person." - Newt GinGinch, on Crossfire, to S. E. Cupp, whose lips curl up in agreement

"...and if you stare into the Algorithm, the Algorithm also stares into you..." - online dating survivor Edward Snowden

"Some girls just want to be colonized." - Eric Schmidt, Hong Kong

"Looking back on the bailout after all these years, I wonder, by keeping unfit specimens alive, did we do a disservice to the Race?" - Donald Rumsfeld passive aggressively to Hank Paulson, the Yale Club

"It's not stealing if you feel good about it." - Superbowl champion Vladimir Putin

"College sports team mascot : the white quaterback :: the white quaterback : the military-industrial-masculinity complex." - Terry Bradshaw on video, blindfolded and surrounded by militants

"Yeah, I saw that damn Upworthy clip of Hillary talking about abortion, it was all over Facebook, it was awful, like the whole of fucking 2016 played out in my mind, all of my friends totally forgetting how fucking disappointed they were with Obama and clamoring to support Hillary, shouting me down as sexist for pointing out that she'll be even worse than he was." - Carlos Danger

"I don't care much for my fellow Americans, to the extent that I don't know whether to compare them to sheep, cows, or pigs." - Hillary Clinton, Friar's Club Roast of Sarah Silverman

"Sometimes I wonder when the Republican Party is going to ditch the racists and the misogynists and the religious fanatics and open the party to all those hip young professionals, be they women, people of color, queers, whatever, people who just want things to work out for them, and make the party line about wealth and empire, plain and simple. But then I remember, that party already exists: it's the Democratic Party." - Arlen Specter in Hell

"It used to be American policy to replace dictators with dictators. Now it's American policy to replace dictators with power vacuums. No intellectual honesty person can deny that that is an improvement." - John McCain

"Information wants to be bought." - Mark Zuckerberg

"I was once as you are, Young Rider. I would know men's hearts. Yet the more I cultivated my powers of perception, the more the world grew dark and silent. There are no True Secrets in the affairs of men. Now I only listen to the whispering of the Wind." - George W. Bush on a bike ride with Barack Obama

"I shall call my horse 'Sporting Blood!'" - Peter O'Toole in Gamble If You Want to Win

"Every class has its vision of the way the world should be, and they're all bullshit. Poor people think the rich are sending us all to hell, and they're right--but so would they! Rich people think the poor don't know what they're talking about, and they're right--but neither do they! I tell you a secret, Barry: No one's in control, and no one can be. No one can control reality because reality itself is inconsistent. The only sure thing is violence--while it lasts." - Xi Jinping

"It is time for our nation to end its War on Terror and begin the War on the Everyday, to lift ourselves up above what is common and mundane in the final, exquisite struggle for Total Domination--or perish in the attempt. Only by testing ourselves against the Absolute can we test ourselves Absolutely. Transcendence or death!" - Cyborg Rex Obama

"Maybe all that matters is having a goal, it can be a curious one, even, but you have that goal, and if you can get it, it doesn't matter how many people you turn over on the way." - Mayor Bloomberg, ruminative over an apple pie with Bill De Blasio

"Men have sons to revenge themselves on their fathers."
- George H. W. Bush

"Law school or the army!"
"No, Pa!"
"Yes, Son Boy!"
"I want to be me--"
"You'll die by scythe, but you'll die respectable! Haw haw haw!!!"

"Those who want to be ruled will always outnumber those who want to rule." - John C. Calhoun, TED Talks

"I know where your sympathies lie, commissars: with the bomb thrower, the lone gunman, the dejected immigrant with apocalyptic desires, the pasty fop with delusions of historical agency, and above all the kept woman with the long knife in her lingerie, ready to go to the bathtub and change the hierarchy by blood!"- Peter Beinart to the students of Brown University after the Defenestration of Ray Kelly

"The true nihilist believes in a two-phase revolution. First, there must come to power a messianic totalitarian regime like Stalin's or Mao's or better yet the Khmer Rouge, only greater, more comprehensive, more futuristic, more insane, for only such a regime can annihilate the capitalists, the extinction of whom--not just as a class but as persons--is an essential precondition for the second phase. With the them gone, there can be no Thermidor, no moderate alternative on which we can fall back, and the choice humanity faces will be revealed in its true starkness: eternal slavery under absolute dictatorship or absolute freedom under total anarchy." - Sasha Obama, middle-school graduation speech

"We delight in violence and excess and evil no less than the Romans and Mayans of old." - George W. Bush gathering caulk at a Home Depot in suburban Dallas

"Youtube used to give me ads for Muslim dating services. Now it gives me beer ads in Spanish. I must be doing something right." - Roger Clinton

"People say I'm patrician but I have the toilet habits of the desert nomad." - George H. W. Bush

"I dunno, honestly, I'd rather just lush about until the money runs out and then starve to death."
"Ha, well, that's not an option, it's a waste."
"If only I had the discipline--to starve to death!"
"You've got to stop being a piece of shit. The fight will be terrifying and amazing. We've lived up to our hick beginnings but we have to push further and see the damn edge. There's no more easy answers and little fucking boxes to check. It's not going to work that way for us. We have to seize it and just try to put something out there that scrambles the suppression field just a bit. You can become a professional, likely make a fair bit of money and go to many important conferences. There's value in that. Run through those damn woods because if you stop running you'll be eaten and die."
-  Georgina Bloomberg, Chelsea Clinton

"Do what you love." - Jamie Dimon to the Princeton University Class of 2013

"If the machine is perfected, Tagg, then we can go back. Rafalca can breed with Sporting Blood and then... A perfect dresser created! A gold medal assured! And, thus, the White House!" - Mitt helping Tagg up after striking him during an argument

"Oh, I don't know. We've had a good run." - Warren Buffet on learning that a giant comet is about to destroy the world

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Making It with Billy Blythe

"In recognition of the hard work everyone put into resolving this crisis, I'm giving every member of Congress a case of Charles Shaw wine."
- Bill Clinton

“Who’s makin love?!” – Soul Clinton

“Everyone gets to make love the way they want to!” – Santa Clinton

“Making it… is a way of life.” – Beat Clinton

“We make like hicks or the deal is off.” – Bill Clinton under the elms…

"How's your girl!? Haw haw haw!" - Clinton, getting into a limo, to Eliot Spitzer outside the Cotton Club

"Burned biscuits!" - Bill Clinton awaking from a gluten withdrawal dream

"Do you realize we live in a Golden Age for pornography?" - Bill Clinton interrupts Cory Booker at TEDTalks

"Why wait for Halloween?" - Bill Clinton on sexy costumes

"Ain't nothin a spoonful a hooch an' a dip in the mud won't rem'dy!"
- Doc Clinton to Lasik Eye Surgery victim Eric Cantor

"If there were a God in heaven, my love for you would be a sacrilege." -Bill Clinton, weirdly, to Donna Hanover

“I want to fuck you on a tandem bike.” – Old-time Clinton

“I’ll push up against anything soft enough.” – Bill Clinton

"Coquito ergo sum." - Clinton at the American Philosophical Association Eastern Division Conference, Tampa

"One by one, time plucks petals from the flower of youth." - Bill Clinton 

"God is a feeling, and love is just a word." - Bill Clinton, liner notes for Black Saint and the Sinner Lady

"Somewhat chesty, thick but muscular, and with commanding lips...." - Bill Clinton trails off, TED talks, Shanghai 2020

"Love is only on the line if it's let in." - Clinton at the Rock n' Roll Hall of Game

"What do I drink at the club? A thimble of Everclear and a Miller 64." - Uptown Clinton

“Have you ever jerked it, like, you know, internally?” - Bill Clinton at the G20 Locker Room

"Well, I don't see what the problem is--"
"Doctor, I've had this erection for 48 hours!"
- Doc Clinton and designer drug victim Eric Cantor

"Live with me..."
"Never!"
- Tipper Gore slips out of Al Gore's desperate grip, Tacoma, WA

“I know what it’s like to be a lonesome and horny hick.” – Bill Clinton

"When did 'stupid' emerge as the modifier of choice to deride a penis? Did I have anything to do with it?" - James Carville

"What's big and wet and--"
"..."
"You're drooling!"
"Keep talkin."
- Vernon Jordan with Clinton

"Make love to the moment!" - Coach Clinton

"Nothing is forbidden to the imagination, nothing is foreign to desire." - Clinton bin Sabbah

"Damn, Bill, you're thin."
"People think I'm vegan, but it's the peyote."
- Clinton on his Vespa passing Al Gore at an In-N-Out Burger

"My story is one of digressions." - Bill Clinton

Monday, October 14, 2013

ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR NOTHING


"Every day when I walk to the bus to go to work, I say a little prayer that today, please God let it be today, today will be day when my life is suddenly cut short by some random accident or act of violence." - John Boehner

"Hey, baby, I just want to talk." - Paul Ryan or an abusive spouse?

"Will turn tricks for social services." - 64-Year-Old Whites

"Tax the unemployed!" - GOP Moderates

"Well, there ain't no way a goin' about livin' in this world so's that you don't regret it. 'Lessen you win, that is."
"Win what?"
"Why, the struggle for Absolute Power, of course!"
- Mitch McConnell, 16-year-old House page Champ Powers (Father Ryan High School, TN)

"Schmitt says that political philosophy is ultimately a question of anthropological faith: Is man essentially good or essentially evil? Recent events me wonder whether the real question concerns not the character of man's action, but whether man can act at all." - Jay Carney

"My whole life I've hoped that if I were just passive enough, I would one day simply cease to exist." - the Left

"Let's have a deep and consequential debate on the issues, but let's not take it out on World War II veterans. The only mistake those men made was not immediately joining with the remnants of the National Socialists to fight the Soviet Union in the Final Battle for the fate of humanity." - Sen. Chevy Cruz with Sarah Palin nodding in the background

"Jesus, Senator, can you turn on the heat?"
"What's the matter, you pussies need sweaters?"
- Sen. Harry Reid greets the McConnell Delegation in his underwear, his office a crisp 59 degrees

"The 1995 shutdown was far superior and accomplished a great deal more. Back then, I know for a fact, several young interns fell deeply in love with powerful men. Today, no one is making love." - Newt GinGinch

"I was crazy back then, eating nothing but saturated fat, drinking Miller Lite, rubbing up on anything that breathed. I would have sold it all to the GOP back then, I don't know how we survived that period if not for all that cheap and greasy money. Here I have no insight, except I hope people are comfortable with the loss of their child." - Bill Clinton on his undiscovered AM radio show

"I think if we bring it up clean with the promise of fiscal negotiations, well, this whole mess may finally be ov--ahhhhh!!!!!" - Paul Ryan manages to bite John Boehner once before escaping out the Capitol window amid police gunfire

"You've got to do something! Obama's in there with the Republicans, he's telling them about Upworthy.com, I think he's going to cave." - a Senior Aide rushes into Third Annual Reid-Pelosi Vodka Eating Contest

"Oh, I'll be deep in the bunker." - Hillary Clinton on her evening plans for October 16

"It's like that time I killed a man!" - Laura Bush awakes from a night terror, 2 a.m., October 17

"...All is but atoms falling in void... Will nothing stop their ceaseless rain?..." - George W. Bush, two hours later, wandering Prairie Chapel Ranch

"There is absolutely no fucking hope." - Barack Obama, overwhelmed with panic as he watches the smile on Sasha's face at her birthday party

"At best, all you have to look forward to for the rest of your lives is a kind of luxurious slavery, and the only way things could ever possibly get better is for them to first get catastrophically worse." - Harry Reid speaking at George Washington University before masking up and throwing a molotov at at a D.C. Metropolitan Police van

Special FX of the Government Shutdown



X-Files shuttered. Flukeman released from aquatic holding cell. Death Panel refuses Smoking Man coverage for treatment of sentient, telepathic tumor.

Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division forced to hire second-string superheroes like Quickdraw Kid, Red-to-Blue Man, and The Waffler.

Search for Agent Cooper called off after 25 years of interrogating logs and midgets.

ACME Detective Agency loses track of Carmen San Diego. Last known whereabouts, a country whose capital is in Minsk, national bird the White Stork.

Room 101 sells off rats and scary clowns.

Closure of the National Science Commission leaves Scott Bakula unable to Quantum Leap, stuck in body of JFK, Jr.

Star Fleet academy re-staffed by cast of Babylon 5.

Skynet put on sleep mode, powerless to prevent time travelers from warning us of terrifying future.

Time travel plots to assassinate Hitler cancelled.

Entire crew of the Nostromo dies in vain as Xenomorph goes unstudied.

U.S. Capitol destroyed by aliens, Will Smith stays home to fuck stripper wife

Recalls partial at best.

PreCrime Department replaces expensive precog labor force with George Zimmerman.

Area 51’s “Area 51” video arcade cabinet goes unrepaired, steals quarters.

No one controls the spice, no one controls the universe.

Soylent Green just bran, raisins, and spiders.

Global Warming Myth defunded, revealed as hoax perpetrated to protect location of R’lyeh, the Dreaming City.

Ape intelligence experiments ended. Lemurs inherit the earth. God damn you all to hell.

Unregulated by the EPA, Ghostbusters capture friendly ghosts.

Steve Rogers unable to sustain massive Serum addition, sells organs on Latverian black market.

Psych wards flooded by deprogrammed Manchurian candidates reeling from recovered memories of incest.

Jason Bourne lives pleasant life in rural Missouri.

Warren Beatty has a pleasant time at the Space Needle.

Robert Redford reads all those books just for fun.

Tom Hanks murdered by Somali pirates.

Military tribunals now able to handle truth.

Parade recognizing PTSD-afflicted veterans of the Star Wars cancelled.

Boundary Commission unable to prevent mass emigration of harassed mutants to Canada.

Death Race 2000 comes true.

Yogi and Booboo killed by poachers.

Crystal Lake National Park Ice Hockey Tournament cancelled.

American werewolves return from London to take advantage of Obamacare.

Smithsonian sells off taxidermied King Kong. Cause of death ruled planes, not beauty.

Snowden leaks contents of Hangar 51. Ark of the Convent melts Nicolas Cage’s face.

Postal Service ceases. Planet Express monopoly unchallenged by Justice Department.

Shit-based art goes unfunded.

Ancient aliens invade via unprotected Stargate. Say, isn’t that the chick from The Crying Game?

All Antarctic outposts abandoned, leaving Kurt Russell and Keith David to freeze to death. The Thing is contained.

Kurt Russell escapes from New York by driving over George Washington bridge.

Force-feeding suspended at government black sites. E.T. starves self to death.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Assassination of Miriam Carey by the Cowards of the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia



"Right now, we don't know whether this unarmed woman and her baby were terrorists or whether she was just some person who made a wrong turn and then, finding herself fired upon by multiple armed individuals, did the natural thing and fled. The important thing is, now we don't ever have to find out." - D.C. Police Chief Cathy Lanier

"If you act in ways that Power can't predict so close to its active organs, well, your life is a cheap price to pay for Security." - 15-year-old House page Randy Bators (Brentwood High, TN)

"The Security Services deserve the highest praise for not shooting a child whose existence they did not take the time to possibly acknowledge." - J. Edgar Hoover in Hell

"Now, look people. These officers, uhh, did exactly what all officers in a modern, militarized police force are trained to do: uhh, Kill the Enemy." - Cyborg Rex Obama

"Let's not rush to judgement here. We can't presume that the actions of the officers should be thoroughly and cautiously scrutinized before we declare them heroes." - @johnboehner

"Power is never more adored then when it kills." - Herman Wallace

"I just hope those poor police officers have ample time to prepare with their lawyers before they are questioned. No one should have to live with being able to fully and accurately recall how it was that they shot a woman to death in front of her child." - Ray Kelly

"The real tragedy is that an overwhelming majority of police never draw their firearms." - the NRA

"I think when all is said and done, people will agree that it was that black woman's own fault." - George Zimmerman

"Don't be too upset. It's going to take a great deal of violence indeed to change this country. This is an opportunity to harden yourself against it." - the spectre of Christopher Dorner

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Furlough of Reason, or,
Shutdown as a Way of Life


I.  Nullification Now, Nullification Forever



"This the greatest opportunity for nullification since school integration." - Rand Paul

"All in favor say, 'Hee-haw!'" - Speaker of the House John Boehner

"You've turned this party into a suicide caucus!"
"Weak sauce! Spider caucus!"
- Sen. Tom Coburn devoured by the Texas delegation

"The fact that I of all people am forced to be somewhat responsible here, it just shows how dark things are." - Rep. Peter King

"Everything I needed to learn about government, I learned in student government." - Paul Ryan undresses before a strange alter

"But politics is opportunism!" - Marsha Blackburn in disbelief on CNN
 
"Do you think that if you had pushed for a single-payer system we'd be in this mess today?"
"Well, [perturbed exhale] we'd be in a better mess."
- Olbermann and Obama on cigarette break at ESPN

"In this Gilded Age all clichés become reality!"
"HAW HAW, well, I don't think of it as Gilded so much as Transparent."
- a horribly sunburnged Paul Krugman having blue margaritas with Sheryl Sandberg on St. John

"My cock is like the Excalibur--"
[from the gallery] "--like John Boorman's Excalibur!"
"Shut the hell up!"
- Sen. Chevy Cruz, Sen. John McCain

"What I don't get is, why aren't young people more motivated to participate in a quarter-millenium-old government specifically designed to indefinitely defer the abolition of slavery?" - Harry Reid

"In the U.S., we get really wasted in July and August, then everything gets really fucked up in September and October." - John Kerry in a private meeting with Mohammed Javad Zarif

"Crack my eggs. Piss on my birthday cake. Do whatever you want to me. Just don't put me out." - John Boehner addresses his Caucus

"You people don't even fucking get it. This isn't about the budget. This is about representative government. This is about taking off the mask. Tearing down the old gods and raising up the new. Man will be burned away by the fires of History, and in his place there shall be only Value." - Eric Cantor to his kids on why they can't go to the beach this year


II. How I Spent My Unpaid Vacation



"Happy Hick Everyone!" - World War II veterans accidentally liberating the Dr. King Memorial

"If this really is the end, then there's something I have to tell you: I've always hated you." - Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution G. Wayne Clough to his wife

"Jesus, this place looks like the rest of D.C." - George Will, stepping over litter and the unemployed in the National Mall

"Ah! Ice cream headache!"
"That's gin."
- John Boehner's first post-Shutdown press conference

"When your Founders imagined that American would combine Rome with Athens, they did not mean it literally." - Angela Merkel

"The difference here is the distinct lack of the mystical and erotic sublimity that characterized our Shutdown. A feeling Calista and I can only now find in the Catholic Church." - Newt Gin Ginch

"Beginning at midnight, government agencies will start shutting down, one by one. If it goes on long enough, the State will be reduced solely to its military, law enforcement, and security functions, and all public employees will be slaves. In other words, it will be a Utopia." - Rick Perry

"Now is our time to act, if only we existed!" - the Left

"If the Dead Ceiling isn't raised, the improperly buried shall rise, banshees shall keep vigil round the Capitol, lion shall lie with lamb, and your wine shall be of blood." - Barack Obama, conference call with Congressional Leaders

"The answer to every question is No, even when it is Yes." - Rep. Tom Graves

"Your eyes are sick and swollen! Take it easy now. What kind of deal would end this?"
"You don't understand. We do not want a deal but the end of all deals."
- Susan Collins lost in the House Tubes talking to GOP Members in the darkness

"Man, I've never seen it like this."
"Haw haw haw. Pass the vape. It's simple, old buddy, they are Bolsheviks for the rich."
- Joe Biden and Bill Clinton on the roof of the Naval Observatory

"You'd like to think that I'm a miserable old Scrooge and that's why I do these things, but the truth is, I feel fucking great. I'm high as hell. I'm eating better and sleeping better. My shits are clean and regular, and my wife and I are having the best sex of our lives. Because I have that special kind of confidence, that sense of purpose and existential security, that only comes from wielding power. It's one thing to have the pleasure of knowing you're right. It's another thing entirely for it not to matter." - Sen. Chevy Cruz


III. Elysium

In 2017, Cruz left traditional politics behind to form the League of the Virgin, a "Madonnaist" paramilitary organization dedicated to "the direct, lived realization of the Kingdom of God." Scornful of "representational government," it pursued a "politics of transubstantiation" and founded a sprawling network of autonomous ranches in the Texas and Oklahoma panhandles. To this day it not fully understood--even by the survivors--how these communities managed to flourish in the open desert. "We sup on the milk of the Madonna," said Cruz during his sole interview of the period, on Charlie Rose, "and ask no more 'Whence?' than does the Infant of the Breast.'"

Following the Standoff at Purgatoire, the League expanded relentlessly. One by one, South- and Midwestern states ceded territory to the League, some voluntarily (Arizona, Oklahoma), some in military defeat (New Mexico, Colorado), and others as part of their own political manoeuvrings (the Mormon Free State, the Suzerain Empire of Texas and the Rio Grande). After absorbing the Failed States Region of Former Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana, the League was preeminent in the Red Zone.

Its supremacy was not to last. The League was weakened internally by a prolonged insurgency led by Duke Mountain Inhofe of the Tulsa Protectorate, who broke with Cruz over his interpretation of the Menarche Tis Theotokos. Tens of thousands were slaughtered before Inhofe was sacrificed by ultras of his sect. Still more disastrous was League's unilateral decision to open a second front in the Transoceanic War by sending filibuster parties to instigate conflict with the Bolivarian Federation. When Cyborg Rex Obama discovered the League's treachery, he ordered General Stanley DarkChrystal and the University of Pennsylvania Robotics Team to suppress the League. Consumed by Civil War, North America might have fallen to the Sino-Latin Rim had it not been for the Portal, which, through the swift imposition of its Will in the Majestic Terror, at last brought an end to the Government Shutdown of 2013 to [illegible]

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Excerpts from the Oration of Sen. Chevy Cruz


"College debate is real!" - 3:05 p.m.

"For this speech, as in all things, I've decided to rely exclusively on the U.S. Constitution and Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies." - 4:11 p.m.

"Time is the revelation of Being as Nothingness." - 5:58 p.m.

"Women's tennis isn't real tennis." - 7:19 p.m.

"That's why America should imitate the British in standards of public debate and private pleasure..." - 8:21 a.m.

"I mean, it's disappointing, you know? The Barclays Center? I mean, yeah, I guess it's here now, and it's not going anywhere anytime soon, but, c'mon, you expect better of Thom Yorke." - 9:47 p.m., on his tickets to see Atoms for Peace this weekend

"...There are places where people worship terrible gods..." - 10:00 p.m.

"But what if instead of restoring order, putting the Triforce together actually creates disorder in a parallel universe, and that's why there's always be a new Zelda game, just like there will always be a new welfare initiative." - 11:35 p.m.

"...a pack of condoms and a staple remover..." - 12:06 a.m.

"...torn between the rejection of life as we know it and the rejection of life as such..." - 12:31 a.m.

"At this point I think if you even talk about it, you're part of the problem." - 1:48 a.m., on women's rights or Miley Cyrus

"...unutterably profane, lines all tangled together like so many limbs, voices commingling..." - 2:17 a.m., on early polyphonic Church music

"Do unto others as you fear they may inevitably do unto you." - 3:00 a.m.

"Conservative films and ideas are conspicuously absent on Blu-Ray. This is not just something we can change, but something we must change."- 6:15 a.m.

"Guillermo del Toro is the one on trial here. Can he prove to me that's he's actually directed a good film? If time permits I'll get into the Joss Whedon thing..." - 6:43 a.m.

"I just realized: Everyone who ever voted for Ross Perot is dead." - 6:45 a.m.

"People say I'm like a young Glenn Ford--"
from the gallery "--You're not Ford, you hick slut, I'll kill you where you--"
"--Senator McCain, I have the floor! I hold the conch!"
- 7:20 a.m.

"And I say, 'Doctor, I can't stop shitting!' And he says, 'Son, that's Evil comin out!'" - 8:51

"Now, Mr. Speaker, stop me if someone has used this before on a long speech, ' Cruz, party of One.' Haw haw haw haw haw!" - 9:05 a.m.

"People are going to mock my reference to Green Eggs and Ham. I was actually planning to talk about the Sneetches, but you people can't fucking handle it." - 10:28 a.m.

"Tea is just water with dead leaves in it." - 11:14 a.m.

"How many of my colleagues are evil men with evil thoughts and evil desires, and how many of them are men of good will in the thrall of bad ideas? It is a question I have often asked myself and which grows more unanswerable with the asking. There is something inscrutable in the human heart. The harder we look at it, the less we see. We try to peer into it, and it becomes opaque. We lift up its cover, and it scuttles away. A receding horizon. A deepening well." -  1:37 p.m.

"...What am I doing? What is any man doing?..." - 2:49 p.m., as he is forcibly rehydrated by medics

Monday, August 5, 2013

Deus Ex Œconomia

“And raise no man above you, yet raise the Dollar over All.”
- Milton Friedman, the Baths, Bohemian Grove

“Maybe not everything should be for sale.”
- radical thinker Michael Sandel

“Professor Sandel says that some things have to be thought about in moral terms rather than market terms, but what else is morality than the price one is willing to pay?” - John Gray

“Look, money!” - the Bay Area

"High-skilled visas are the new Civil Rights Movement."
- Mark Zuckerberg

“You are the Beatles your parents never could be!”
- Tim Cook to the Appleverse

“Fuck your feeble attempts at consciousness. You use Google too.”
- Erik Schmidt hissing in Glenn Greenwald’s ear while shaking his hand at a public event

“It’s easier to leave the person you love than the job you hate.”
- Edward Snowden

“My Bloomberg terminal slept with my wife!” - Jamie Dimon

“If only you’d been artificially inseminated, you'd be perfect!”
“Dad, put me down!”
- Will Smith, Jaden Smith

“The cure for cancer is wealth.”
- Angelina Jolie’s perfect, ageless new breasts

“Ms. Jolie has done a very expensive thing, and she deserves our admiration as a receipt.” - Dr. Sanjay Gupta

“I’ll take the risk.” - John Hamm declines a gene test for penile cancer

“This isn’t about money, it’s about strength!” - Ayn Rand slaps a young Alan Greenspan in the face

"To be considered an artist is the ultimate legitimation of wealth.”
- Jay-Z

“To be considered wealthy is the ultimate legitimation of being an artist.” - Kanye

“There is this idea among young people of a certain education and class that if they fail to achieve their dreams, they can always sell out. But selling out is hard work, and it rarely happens all at once. It usually happens in slow motion, through the grinding erosion of one’s ideals, a journey through all five stages of grief for the loss of one’s former sense of self, and the arduous struggle to prove to the gatekeepers of wealth and power that you are sincere in your conversion and worthy to serve. So, I have a message to all such young people who think, no matter what, it’s going to work out for them in the end: Dede diem. Surrender the day. Sell out now, before it’s too late.” - Brett Easton Ellis

“Meritocracy must be a two-way street. One thing I admire about the United States, in contradistinction to a place like China, is that, in addition to the Power Factories of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and so on, you have places like Brown University where the lesser scions of the ruling class can go to squander all that has been given to them and make room for those select few of lesser orders but superior wills to rise above them with a minimum of bloodletting.” - Bo Guagua

“Equal opportunity Darwinism!” - the battle cry of the middle class

“You see the same old crusty Marxists at every two-bit forum, march, and book fair in town and you wonder, how many of them were snitches back in the day? Or are they the only true believers? Or have they always been the weird creeps who show up to every meeting and never say anything? And which is most depressing?” - Ray Kelly

“Some say the key to leadership is charisma. Some say it’s vision. Others, that it’s a skill that must be learned, like any other. But don’t believe all that. The key to leadership is fortuitously mild psychopathic mental illness.” - Bill Clinton

“Imagine a thousand glittering knives raining down in the night.”
- Paul Krugman’s secret forecast

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Fuck of July


I. WHERE ARE THE SNOWDENS OF YESTERYEAR?






















"There is no asylum." - the 21st Century

"I'm happier than a pig in shit!" - Glenn Greenwald

"You cannot shear a lipstick pig." - Vladimir Putin

"All the sheep ran into the sea! Edward Snowden led them..."
- John Boehner dying of gout in Cypress

"I want to burn your playhouse down." - Anna Chapman comes on to Edward Snowden in an extremely frightening and sexy way

“There is room enough for both of us at this white devil’s table.”
- Barack Hussein Obama to his reflection, the Reagan Library bathroom mirror after giving the Order

"Look, Pfc. Manning is a naive and confused kid who haphazardly released the material he did out of a sincere if simplistic sense of justice and moral duty, and for this he deserves nothing less than life in prison." - Special Prosecutor Lindsay Graham

"I have no son!!!" - Barack Obama in response to Chuck Todd's question about Bradley Manning's fate


II. AMERIPORN


"SONY is giving veterans a free pass to see White House Down today! Liberty!" - Will Smith on a slow boat to China, Sea Org

"You hicks have got it all wrong! Immigration reform can do for the security industry what the war on terrorism did for the security industry or the war on drugs did for the security industry." - Marco Rubio persuades House Republicans to come around

"The Browns are more fertile, that's reason enough for me." - Jeb Bush on The Next Day

"What if we were led slowly through the desert and whipped bloody with chains, caking under the sun?"
"Grandpa what the fuck is wrong with you?"
- Cormac McCarthy at Disneyland

"Did you know the left hemisphere of my brain came straight out in a donkey and bicycle accident?" - Ronnie to Nancy

"What do you think you're doing?!"
"Making love, that's what!"
"That's not making love!
- Patti, Dick, and Checkers

"He has an extremely attractive widow." - Larry Ellison on Steve Jobs

"The real heart of this is Huma's Tom Ripley-esque infatuation with Hillary. Now that's Will to Power. Not like him. He had his chance to be Beyond Good and Evil the first time he got caught, and he blew it. That's what people are so angry about. Because he refuses to accept the same punishment second time round, people see his resignation from Congress for what it really was: pandering." - Bill Clinton to Eliot Spitzer, Scores Midtown

"What do I have to say? I'll say it." - Huma Abedin o'erleaps the People on the Road to Power

"If Quinn is Mayor and Spitzer is Comptroller, it'll be like when there were two popes!" - NYPD DCPI Paul J. Browne

"There's nothing left but dust and smut." - George Will looks out appalled over the stands at a Washington Senators game

"Why don't you vote in midterm elections?"
"We demand popular dictatorship!"
- Anderson Cooper and College Democrats, Bowdoin College, Maine


III. EGYPTIAN ICED COFFEE


"Hickarchy now, hickarchy forever!" - Morsi

"Long live the new kemalism!" - Liberals

"You must respect the Will of the People, but leave Money and Violence to us." - SCAF, communique to Morsi

"Islamists defending democracy?" - George W. Bush slowly walking into the reservoir fully clothed

"Democracy is like instant coffee: it's only good while it's fresh."
- Mohamed ElBaradei

"A regime that can't prevent a coup with 48 hours notice is no regime at all." - Pervez Musharraf collecting rubber balls after recess, Islamabad City Jail

"I'm too terrified to feel relief, but we're fine with it." - Coptic Christians

"We're all Egyptians here, but we are the Egyptians with guns." - SCAF addresses the Rebel Alliance

"No, no, there can only be two sides to every issue, and the solution an equal point between them!" - David Gregory interrupting a reporter on the ground

"These events illustrate why you must never let near the gears of Power any individual or group, no matter how sinister and self-serving they may be, if circumstances could ever cause their self-interest to overlap with that of the Masses. The New Egypt had the misfortune of coming into being with its military so positioned, if not necessarily so disposed. This is why elsewhere we must remain vigilante and swat down pesky flies like Bo Xilai or Mikhail Khodorkovsky, whose malevolence is otherwise unimpeachable, as soon as they are within reach. Ultimately, it is a question of constitution: how to structure Power so that it is immune to the People." - Xi Jinping, Harvard Kennedy School

"What we are witnessing is a masterclass in frictionless Terror."
- Timothy Cook

"Do over!" - Mubarak


IV. SUPREME CUNT OF THE UNITED STATES

"The problem is, the People vote." - C. J. Roberts, Shelby v. Holder

"Nigga please." - Justice Thomas, concurring opinion

"Three cheers for the Race!" - Charles Murray

"If there's one region we can trust, it's the South." - Anthony Kennedy to his parakeet/chief clerk Chiquita Warren

"If a vote is cast and nobody counts it, was O. J. guilty?" - George Zimmerman

"In summation, the proponents of Proposition 8 lacked standing to defend the amendment in lieu of the State because Desire is its own law." - Ruth Bataille Ginsberg, Hollingsworth v. Perry

"Why'd you do it, Tony?"
"I'm not expanding rights, whelp! I'm taking away Democrat wedge issues. Hiss!!!"
- Clerk Billy and J. Anthony Kennedy eyes all a flash

"You can't shoot me--it's illegal!" - Nino Scalia on the first episode of Miami Vice


V. BLACK BABIES

“Do you know what freedom is? Freedom is strength. Freedom is power. Freedom is whatever you’re capable of.” - George Zimmerman

“The system works! The Gun is safe again!” – John Roberts

"My experiences are the only experiences that are real and the only experiences that matter." - the Vanishing Whites

“It’s not that black lives must be valued less than others but that the fears of the majority must be held in their proper place of honor.”
– Newt Gingrich

"There are ways of killing that make life seem meaningless and ways of killing give life its meaning." - Georgia Attorney General Sam Olens on Warren Lee Hill

“Violence is political when the point is not to kill people but the ideas for which they are vectors.” – Call of Duty Six: Neighborhood Watch

“A man who does not think of death does not think.” – Juror B37

“I wonder if my blog post can do Trayvon Martin justice.” – the Internet

“The only way to live forever is to hurt as many people as you can.”
- Bashar al-Assad and George Zimmerman vacationing in Beirut


VI. BREEDERS

"Now, turn him over to my hand." - HM

"That should have been my baby!" - Georgina Bloomberg, storming the gates of Windsor Castle

"I congratulate the Duke and Duchess on their successful coitus and reproduction, and thus ensuring that an unfortunate and random child will be their Commonwealth's future head of state." - Barack Obama

"I think everything is possible: helicopter strafes over Taliban villages, polo games to the death, Aunt Fergie, slaving, regattas in the Mediterranean on black ships, Commonwealth brothels, benediction, American teenagers in Los Vegas or Dubai, picnics, water parks, and maybe a cry or two." - Harry Wales on his plans with his new nephew, Daily Mail

"As to whether the boy and one of the First Daughters will breed and thus create a true Master Race, one can only speculate." - Jay Carney, Press Briefing

"Disraeli!!!" - Harry Wales and a bottle of Teachers destroying tapestries with a rake

"Well, I'm not going to be his damn butler if that's what you mean."
- Michael Caine boarding a plane for Portugal

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

New York Fucking City

“I will fuck again!” – Eliot Spitzer

“Never stop feeling and touching, never surrender!” – Anthony’s Weiner’s Last Stand

“God forgives those who repeat.” – Spitzer/Weiner/Sanford/Saint John Paul II

“All my life I’ve just been waiting for the right ladder to climb, the right people to kick down the rungs below me.”
“What about your family?”
- Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer, Scores Midtown

“A white man’s denial is the burden of all of society.” – Huma Abedin

“The re-election of Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner to public office will be for wives what the acquittal of George Zimmerman was always going to be for black people.” – Silda Spitzer

“In order for Spitzer and Weiner not to win, Zimmerman would have had to have been convicted.” - Rachel Jeantel

"I exist, and I just avoid metro transit at peak hours, and I try to relax."
- Scott Stringer talking into a comb inside his daughter's closet

"I'm gonna fuck this rolled up copy of the New York Post!"
- Peter T. King

“I think it’s an insulting comparison, frankly. I’m nothing like him, as a man or a politician. A dick isn’t for taking pictures of: it’s for fucking people over with. It must be a generational thing. Weiner’s only a little bit younger than me, but he thinks it’s all tweets and twats and locker room pranks, sleep over parties and games of spin the bottle. He doesn’t get it’s about money and cocks and fucking Power. You see where that kind of truth-or-dare bullshit gets you: a wife who is more powerful than you are.” – Eliot Spitzer on Charlie Rose

“Whether they win or lose, we shall have our cynicism to blame.”
– Christine Quinn

“Let my defeat be the silver lining of Christine Quinn’s inevitable triumph.” – Anthony Weiner

“This town isn’t big enough for the three of our cocks.” – New York City Park Supervisor for Life Bill Clinton

 “In some ways I guess I never left the frat house.” – Anthony Weiner coming to grips with defeat in an East Jerusalem settlement

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

What The Hot Summer Day Hissed In My Ear

“Love is in the air, blotting out the sun.” – Justin Beiber

“This is about sex, it always was and it always will be.” – Mark Sanford in a three-way standoff, Belize

“Walk away from your life and join me for a desert cruise.” - Sting

“What is the most romantic thing anyone has said to you?”
“‘Let me share in your body, and you shall share in my empire.’”
- Barbara Walters, Wendi Deng-Murdoch

"There is a whole sex which has no concept of honor."
- Serena Williams

“Beautiful women get their lifelong sense of entitlement from being coddled by their fathers.” – Jon Voight

“It wouldn’t surprise you at all to learn that I’m a sex addict, would it?”
– Michael Pollan

“To be young is to be tormented by desire.” – Teddy Roosevelt, running his fingers through the argent mane of a young colt, eyes all agog…

"I imagine it's like testifying before Congress." - Bono on the female orgasm

"In the future men will fuck rocks and beasts!" - J. Scalia

"Little boys are the Third Way." - Bill Clinton in Plato's Symposium

“It’s a fuckin sexy time, man!” – Jeff Bridges on his ‘health club’

"If Tom Cruise wishes to continue your visit at the Abode past sunset, he will let you know by kissing you on the lips. This decision is not by party." - disclaimer

"To me parties always feel like a celebration of the fact that everyone else is having sex." - George Lucas at his wedding

“Stick your dick in the lava pit!” - Friday night

"I've seen The Vacation in all its spheres of tragedy and its enduring false promise of relief from existence. I've seen cars exploding on the beach traffic-strewn highways of Alabama; fat, fading fathers outside Bahamian jewelry shops, desperately calling home for more credit; young, white Americans studying abroad in Europe, aching for a hook up and finding only gourmet cheese; dead-eyed toddlers battered to shore by ceaseless waves; Brits who double as stand up comedians and magicians and fail at both--but damn don't the people clap."
- Conrad Hilton denouncing everything he ever loved from an iron lung Carnival Cruise Shareholder's Meeting

"If in the long term we are all dead, then in the short term we are all fucked." - Paul Krugman in St. Croix after spilling his entire blue frozen margarita all over his shirt front

Q: Why do we cry when we are happy?
A: Because we are strangers to happiness.

“At first you start out all itchy and horny, and then once you get a taste, it becomes a craving, like it’s not even you but some animal inside you, you go mad for it, crazy for it, you can’t get enough of it, and then there’s the fear, fear that your very insatiability is a sign that what you so desperately need, not that it will go away some day, but that it is already gone.” – Jack Nicholson in a terrible, lost film by Woody Allen

“It’s like the stars I used to navigate these waters have all disappeared.” - John Boehner, not knowing why everything seems different before suddenly and catastrophically realizing that it is because he is in love

“The love any random group of men has for each other is pure as mountain snow compared to the love of a mother for her child, or a wife for her husband.” - Alan Chambers

"Look at the bright side: at least you're not Chinese men under 35!"
- Bill Clinton

Friday, June 14, 2013

What Is the Light at the End of the Tunnel?


“False consciousness.” - Adorno

“The Chinese dream!” – Xi Jinping

"A book deal." - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

“A fucking awesome statue of me.” – Recep Erdoğan

“Somewhere in Russia.” – Bashar al-Assad

“Damascus, Lawrence, Damascus!” – John McCain

“A rave in Ibiza.” – Prince Harry

“Jazz!” - Wynton Marsalis

“A feeding tube.” – a Guantanamo Bay detainee

“But a memory.” – Barack Obama

“Nothing as bright as I thought.” – Edward Snowden

“YOU CAN SEE IT TOO?!” – Bradley Manning

“Mine.” – Google

“Sex, I hope.” – puberty

“College.” – a high schooler

“Default.” – a college student

“Graduate school.” – the precariat

“Teaching high school.” – a graduate student, if s/he’s lucky

“It has gone out for ever.” – a teacher

“It’s all around us, baby! I’m having a great time!” – Bill Clinton

“Hell.” – the Editors

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Ecstasy of Being Told What to Do

“I am your mother.” - Barack Obama

“Cook your freshly grown food real slow like a proud white man.”
- Michael Pollan

"You'll never buy beer after 10 again!" - Recep Erdoğan

"Not in front of Dad!" - South Africa

“All of modernity has been leading up to this moment.” - Xi Jinping on the Dehui slaughterhouse fire

“The ‘Chinese People’ are the vanity mirror of the Communist Party.”
- Peng Liyuan

“Why Hong Kong? To martyr himself on the rack of his residual liberalism? I’d despise him just as much if he’d leaked all the files and fled to Cuba. At least then he could have lived a long and exceptionally healthy life of mojitos, brown-skinned women, and old-fashioned cars.” - John McCain on Edward Snowden

"I'm telling you, this guy is way more fringe than he lets on." - Rand Paul to his bunker maid

"This looks like a job for--CHINESE GANGSTERS!"
- John Kerry, gunned down at a P. F. Changs in Rancho Mirage, CA

"The People are like women in classic Hollywood films: they don't realize they love you until after you've fucked them."  - Mark Sanford

"Your representatives have not failed you. You have failed yourselves through your representatives." - Lindsey Graham

“Even the rich people I like, I hate.” - Warren Buffet

"I've given up fucking for saving the world, but I remain motivated by the same narcissistic sense of entitlement." - Bill Clinton, the William F. Buckley Dark Tubs, Davos

"I deserve to be mayor. I deserve to be loved." - Anthony Weiner

"I don't know where to go without an admissions test to show me the way." - the overachiever confronts the end of the line  

“We will only achieve Reform when we have liquidated the teacher as a class.” - Michelle Rhee

"There are those who would say that what we need is a new Master. I tell you: the Master you have been looking for is already inside you, waiting to surrender." - George R. R. Martin

“Yes, I can.” - Barack Obama

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Open Your Mouth For Destiny



"As they say in Italy these days, it is time to put on the white gloves." - Eric Holder

"I think this is perhaps the most important Slave Code case that this court has heard in decades." - Samuel Alito

"This is the only way to save the White Race!" - Charles Murray, from the gallery

"This case isn't about property."
"Property?"
"Oh, sorry I meant to say liberty."
- Anthony Kennedy, Sonia Sotomayor

"I don't spit for free." - Elena Kagen

"Everyone knows that the way to get to the boss is to roll his capos and whores. Human genomes are so many pins, counselor." - C.J. Roberts, oral argument

"Can you imagine some damn commoner putting his hands in your mouth?!" - Anthony Scalia

"Nino is a flamboyant barbarian, but, man, it's fun to be friends with a real honest-to-goodness white ethnic!" - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Wow, this guy is smart!"
"No, but stupid loves itself."
- Charlie Rose and an intern on Scalia
Justice Scalia Retires to Colonial Williamsburg
"The DNA of every black man in the country shall be collected into a single serum, and I shall drink the serum." - Clarence Thomas

"This may surprise you, but I don't think we really need DNA sniffers. Racism works just fine." - Ray Kelly

"Aren't you excited?"
"Objectivity and efficiency aren't exciting, nothing will ever make me as happy as the 1968 Democratic Convention."
- Reporter and Cop

"I'll never be safe!" - Dan Rather gurgling vodka

"Whoever is against this ruling is against the future, a glittering world of obsidian skies, cloud consciousness, insta-death, sexual automation!" - Robert Mueller passes out from excessive blood flow to his Control Boner

"Big Data will never be free if we continue to allow individuals to stand in its way." - Eric Schmidt, amicus brief

"I'm fine with this as long as it doesn't apply to military sex crimes, that's for the Chain of Command to decide." - Lindsey Graham

"It seems no matter how dire the times, throughout human history someone is having a great time of it all." - fmr. Justice John Paul Stevens drinking with Jon Hamm, Ft. Lauderdale

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Great Turtlenecks in Culture

The last time I saw Papa was in Key West. He was having a tea party with several cats he'd tied down to the table, dressed up in human clothes. "This is Gerty," he said. The one across from him. A fat, resigned-looking tabby in a beret. It did look like her, I thought.
"Gerty can't have biscuits today," he said. He dipped his finger in his tea and then used it to massage the anus of the kitten cradled in his arms. "She already ate." The kitten moved its bowels. He started to cry. "Gerty ate her children."

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Teddy Roosevelt, Horsefucker

"Neigh means yes." - Theodore Roosevelt

"He fucks them, he races them down, and he kills them. I mean, what the hell?" - President McKinley on TR

"I want to emulate President Theodore Roosevelt." - John McCain with a GQ reporter, gazing out on the bucks on the fields of Sonoma

"It's going to be a bull moose party." - the Rough Rider

"That damn glue-muncher would make his horse Consul and his golliwog Chief Justice." - historian and social scientist Woodrow Wilson

"Strike the Dago now while the People are in estrous!" - the Hero of San Juan Hill

"You don't look at me the way you used to." - Rafalca

"What in the Sam Hill is a woman doing on the Force?!"
"You appointed her, sir."
"The devil, you say!"
"Aye, sir. She came to clean the stables and you wouldn't stop petting her hair and calling her 'Little Texas.' You put your badge on her and said she was New York's Finest."
"Damn horsey Irish Woman."
- NYPD Superintendent Haroun-al-Roosevelt appoints the first lady officer

 "Why, that's a horse of a different color!" - TR to Al Pacino in Cruising
"Ride me on the shores of La Jolla...." 
"Rafalca!"
"Mitt? What is it honey?!"
"Nothing... go back to sleep!"
"It is not the critic who counts. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause." - The Dynamo of Power, arraigned for animal cruelty

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" - TR on the set of Michael Mann's Luck

Monday, April 22, 2013

Executive Privilege

"Old Hickory won't stop me, hahah!" - Sen. John C. Calhoun, ripping open a slave girl's bodice
"Senator Calhoun... I'll kill you all." - President Jackson

"I must destroy the Republic to save it." - Aaron Burr

"I only fuck in the steam room. When I do It, I think I should feel as though I could die at any moment." - Theodore Roosevelt to a stable of ponies

"Mastery of Death is nothing compared to the Power of the Screen, young lady." - Ronald Reagan to a visiting and frightened Gene Wilder

"I think if we sell this right, you shitheads, we may be able to steal half of Mexico." - James K. Polk rallies the Cabinet

"If I die, democracy dies with me." - William Henry Harrison

"Sometimes I'd make it in my hand and smear it on the wall of the Oval Office." - Jack Kennedy

"Nothing scares me more than Japs or Jews." - Harry Truman

"If you ride anything just hard enough, you'll be its Master." - LBJ

"Deep down, I believe people are good, Haldeman, I know it." - Richard Nixon

"Changing the smoking age to 21 in our City will be a major victory in our continuing war on tobacco use and at-risk youths." - Bloomberg

"I hate the smell of menthol." - Georgina Bloomberg

"Once those fucking Democrat-Republicans get in this whole shit house is going to fall apart." - George Washington privately to John Adams

"General Jackson we're surrounded by them, what in the name of the Heavens shall we do?!"
"Stand fast. Kill them all."
- Andrew Jackson, Battle of New Orleans

 "I like most people when I pretend they are dogs." - Abraham Lincoln

"Does any maid have hair so fine as this noble creature's aureate mane?" - T.R.

"A pull on the grog jar and a fuck on a rollicking boat on the Mississppi is what every man deserves! Haw Haw Haw!" - FDR rollin'

"Patronage and Internal Improvements forever!" - Martin Van Buren

"Only in the reflected firelight of the paint brush does man see his illusory vision." - George W. Bush

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Five-Day War

"The Stupidity of random violence must be countered with the irresistible power of Organized Stupidity." - Barack Obama

"I'm having a beer for breakfast. Wake me when Murder Week is over." - Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, trapped in their Allston apartment

"It’s like a snow day except instead of going outside to sled you have to stay in all day eating your own feces." - Casey Affleck 

"The important thing is that whether a man is hunting police or being hunted by police, no matter where, the entire city will cower."
- Terminator Ray Kelly

"Never send a cop to do a drone's job." - Robert Mueller

"There can be no stand-up after Boston." - Conan O'Brien

"Are you following the news?!"
"I'm following myself, this is all about me."
- Twitter, Facebook

"Reinhart and Rogoff remain at large!" - Reddit vigilante Paul Krugman

"You guys, thirty-two people died in a bombing in Baghdad on Thursday--"
"WOULD YOU FUCKING SHUT UP?! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FUCKING SHIT!!!"
- Wolf Blitzer loses it on an intern

"April of 2013 shall forever be remembered as the month that the Senate approved Patriot Act Funding for Boston." - Sen. Mark Pryor

"I think we need to take this tragedy as an opportunity to reflect, and not only to reflect but to ensure that reasonable gun laws have no chance of passing." - Sen. Chevy Cruz

"The truth is that our society is populated by an unknown number of genuine Murder Bros... and fertilizer." - Wayne LaPierre

"What droll allegory." - Tommy Lee Jones on the shit factory fire that destroyed the West

"I'm confident, and West proves it, that capitalism will always kill most efficiently." - Tony Hayward

"Today terror has a name and that name is Miranda." - Eric Holder

"Some will say that even if there was an ideological dimension to these crimes, at bottom they were the deeds of troubled, misguided, despairing young men. I say to you, what are all angry young men but terrorists?" - Sen. John McCain

"Words cannot express how moved I am that the bombers are Chechen." - Vladimir Putin

“What makes this 'terrorism' as opposed to, like, just a massacre, like Columbine?”
“Well, bro, I mean, like, Chechens aren’t exactly white, you know...”
- Steven Tyler and Mark Wahlberg

"Acts of terrorism may once have been effective as means of getting across a political message, but at this point in history it is so abundantly clear that any intended message is so foredoomed to being misunderstood that anyone who commits such acts must actually not want to be understood. Massacres like this are mute cries to deaf ears." - Janet Napolitano

“What we owe the dead is answers. Too late.” - CNN

"What is it about brown flesh that I cannot feel the pain it feels?"
- George W. Bush, ruefully to himself as he cradles his newborn grandchild in his arms

"And so, after taking half of Boston hostage for the day, the police only got their man after--and as a direct result of--setting their prisoners free. Now, this may make it seem like it was pointless, even counter-productive, to ground half the city all for the sake of finding one man, but trust me, it worked splendidly: no one else got killed by police."
- Ed Davis

“One day this will make a great Kathryn Bigelow film.” - Kathryn Bigelow

"The joie de vivre in Boston today is insufferable. The sun is brighter, the air smells sweeter, the fucking food tastes better." - Jonathan Richman

"Hey, bro, you can wake up. Murder Week is over."
"Finally! Time to kick back, relax, have a few beers and--CHINESE EARTHQUAKE!"
- Damon and Affleck in Allston-Hell

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The Work of a Generation

"Why start a union when you could do the Harlem shake?”
- Young Americans

"I've never seen a generation so worth Losing." - Eric Hobsbawm

“I love this company so much, I don’t deserve rights!” - a Noogler

“Our children must be the best educated in the world so that they are prepared for the New Slavery.” - Arne Duncan

"Ruthless competition is good in all things because I am Virtuous." - Joseph A. Craig High School Junior Class President for Life Paul Ryan

"There's a young person in all our hearts, and they crave a master."
- David Brooks

"Nothing grieves me more than being in touch with the youth." - David Bowie

"Fame is one long internship." - Morrissey

"Sorry, can't come to the party, doing unpaid overtime just coz, u know? Tweet me pics!" - The New York Times Presents: This Is 20-Something

“‘The thought of suicide gets one through many a bad night,’ says Nietzsche. But what if there are only bad nights?” - Lena Dunham

"Yeah so we hooked up and I made her do all this stuff and then I never called her again, and I thought, 'How can we make a business model out of this?'" - the inventor of the modern internship

"This is valuable time, and I'm not even getting paid for it! I could be working on my novel!" - Andrew Garfield in Oliver Stone's Intern Nation

"So, do literary magazines have interns?" - New York City Patrolmen's Benevolent Association President Pat Lynch

 China Offers Internship to Tibet

"Why can't I be free!?"
"I'm sorry, wog. The good Lord gave your Agency to me."
- Arkansas, Castle Walmart

"I’ve been so depressed all day, but I won’t complain because whenever I do it feels like a lie." - Georgina Bloomberg

“Life is a battle against Circumstance for Honor.” - the Last Man... he died some time ago...

"This vacation is a pit." - Adorno

“Having a child shackles you, even more than to your family, to your job.” - Priscilla Zuckerberg

"Much of recent history consists of younger generations coming of age and suddenly realizing that they've been had: life isn't good and it was never going to be. They spend the rest of their lives making war on their elders and then defending themselves against the next generation. What's truly nihilistic is that so far no generation has ever had the resolve to strike the problem at its root." - Anton Webern, On Suicide

"All things tend towards the placidity of death. Why should we resist?"
- James Franco
Q: Why kill your children?
A: It's the only humane thing to do.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

¡BAILE, BAILE, BAILE!

"Llora el cielo, llora el mar; lloran los desiertos, lloran los manantiales del llano. Lloran los tambores y los tiples. Llora la Madre Tierra." - la Madre Patria

"At long last, we can stop pretending we liked him." - the American Left

"The enemy of my enemy... is insufferable." - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"I know how hard this musn't be for you." - Barack Obama extends his condolences to South American leaders

"There is no greater joy for a leader than to outlive his disciples."
- Fidel

"Two for one!" - John Kerry, on learning that a grief-stricken Oliver Stone has retired from filmmaking

"I wish we were still competent enough to pull that kind of shit off in Latin America." - John Brennan on the possibility of nefarious Infection

"He was truly overbearing." - Stephen Sackur

"I can finally order for myself when I go out to eat!" - Evo Morales

"Was he the new Bolívar?"
"Bolívar, no. Elvis, maybe."
- Charlie Rose, Mauricio Funes

"No, I don't think that Chavez's legacy poses any lasting challenges to, well, to anything, if only because it never really worked. If his highly centralized, strong-armed tactics had been wildly successful in really changing the country, perhaps there would be something to think about in terms of whether there's a viable alternative to democracy in popular mobilization behind progressive, redistributionary, pseudo-authoritarian regimes. Instead, Chavez's accomplishments were modest at best, at least compared to what might have been, and often merely symbolic, while elsewhere there were quite substantial reductions of freedom and basic failures to help the people that supported him. It makes you think, the whole idea of a philosopher-king just doesn't work because no one is really that competant." - Noam Chomsky

"I think he was just a powerful man doing what he thought was right by History." - George W. Bush

"He was better than nothing, but not better than Nothing."
- Subcommandante Marcos

"Can you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Exactly."
- Juan Carlos I, Antonio Banderas

"Maduro doesn't need to steal home plate, the People will give it to him freely." - Danny Glover arguing with his third base coach, the ghost of Hugo of Chavez, Angels in the Outfield 4: Concrete Diamond

"Manifest Destiny!" - Néstor Kirchner, Pablo Neruda, and Simón Bolívar toasting in the really cool part of Hell

Monday, March 4, 2013

Falling Asleep at the Wheel of History


I. Over the Cliff

"I have a fool proof strategy that will accomplish nothing but continued stalemate while allowing me to keep my job." - John Boehner

"My asshole is self-cleaning!" - Paul Ryan

"Sequestration? Is that like fecal withholding?" - Dr. Koop

"What's all this spending you're railing against?"
"Spending is a feeling, Cokie."
- Eric Cantor

"As the weakness of communism is attested to by accidental scarcity, so the greatness of the capitalist system is confirmed by artificial scarcity." - Steven Levett and Stephen Dubner

"How about the Pentagon, the jobs, and the Iron Dream?"
"We believe, and the Heritage Foundation has done studies to show, that the Pentagon cuts will reduce incidence of Air Force rape."
- Jim Demint 

"I have this fantasy about being dipped in a lake of liquid nitrogen by the Ice Queen and then, while I remain fully conscious, she snaps off my extremities, one at a time, starting with my digits, then my limbs, then my tongue and my ears, and finally my member." - Saxby Chambliss in the Secret Steam Room

"Aaron, where's the spirit of the West Wing, the walking down hallways together?"
"I was freebasing cocaine when I wrote that."
- David Gregory and Aaron Sorkin trapped in an Acela rapidly filling with water

"Totally did not mean to gank yr lighter, yet it seems I did. That's just how degenerate I am: it's a reflex. Pity me, but do not forgive." - text message from Obama to Boehner after the Talks

"Self-destruction is tragic in individuals, predictable in institutions, and inevitable in civilizations." - Nate Silver on Prediction

"Yes, we're all living on borrowed time--borrowed from the future. Today that future has come to collect." - Xi Jinping, Day 0


II. Into the Ravine


"What I crave is not pleasure so much as intensity." - John Boehner, Club Fist, Day 1

"Why do anything when you could stay in all day and slowly kill yourself with Velveeta?" - the Ginch, Day 17

"The only way I can do hygiene is by thinking of it as a war against the self." - Bob Corker flossing until his gums bleed, Day 61

"There is no limit to how bad I can make myself feel.”
- Karl Rove, Day 127

"When the devil came, he was not red. He was a social scientist."
- Rand Paul, the Nursery, Day 523

"God, give us the strength to endure more of your torments." - shaman Lindsay Graham leads the Morlocks in sacrifice, Day 619

"Let hate be your laser." - Gen. Stanley DarkChrystal commands the Yale Leadership Seminar Special Forces in the Battle Against the Mechanical Birds, Day 743

"The things I've done to survive!"
“There is nothing in this world to feel guilty about.”
- Jay Carney and Lawrence Summers after the Defeat of the Children's Brigade, Day 1,051

"It's not too late, we can rebuild!"
"EAT HIM!!!"
- the Last Stand of Sergey Brin, Day 7,191

“They're all dead.”
“I’ll sleep when their ideas are dead.”
- Leader of the Resistance Chelsea Clinton, Last of the Sighted Paul Krugman, Day 15,073

"What do you publish?"
"Whatever burns."
- If You Can See This Ritual Dance Representing the Origin of the Cosmos in a Conflagration Caused By an Ancient Race of Warring Gods, You're Lying

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Notebooks of Barack Hussein Obama II

My best years are behind me, or rather my capacity to have had best years...

I was young once, but I fucked it up.

Comfort rots the brain like sugar rots teeth.

Do not ask yourself, "Am I a good person?" Ask yourself, "Am I the person I want to be?"

To be is not to be: that is not a question. Self-annihilation is redundant.

If only I could recapture the hatred of my youth, my puritanical intolerance for anything that was not on the bleeding edge. If only there were a real, visionary Evil, something I could believe in...

Life is always worse than you want, but never as bad as you dream.


I dreamt I was a coyote ripping open a jackrabbit's throat... I dreamt of velvet and hissing and hard thrusts... something roiling in the night...


Sleep deprivation is the new black.


Is it shameful to laugh at these lines, which are, afterall, but the echo of oppression?
We don’t have any other choice.

The only Beatles records I can listen to anymore are The White Album and Let It Be.
What the hell is wrong with me?

If you haven't seen Ecstasy of the Angels, you have no reason to live, or rather to die.

To what extent is my infatuation with sexually explicit art films responsible for my real life sexlessness? What, for that matter, of my love for political art?

I wish there were a third or fourth gender. Life would be richer...

...or at least more complexly impoverished...


...thoughts form like mist and dissipate... but through the fog... the muffled roar of bombs...


Just because you live in a country where nothing ever changes doesn't mean that's the way it's supposed to be.

Nowhere in this world are any two peoples at war with one another: There are people living their lives, and then there are people trying to rule them.

The thing about Americans is their zeal for letting others kill on their behalves.

...the preciousness with which imperial nations treat (most of) their own citizens lives, equaled only by the vindictiveness with which they persecute their enemies...

We are all J. Christopher Stevens. We are all Sean Smith. We are all Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods. We are all Gilad Shalit.


Only a King can enslave. Therefore, only a King can make free.


One can help society by helping individuals and vice versa. And can help individuals without helping society and versa vice. Yet the idea that rules the age is to help society by not helping individuals and to help individuals by not helping society.

"Society" and "individuals": two lips that never kiss.

All that Modernity has accomplished, it has done by treating human beings as matter.


...the urge to say something, to have something to say...


...my mind searches for a salve, yet all is poison...




We owe it to ourselves to speak the truth, and we owe it to truth to remain silent.




I'm comfortable with the regrets I'll have.

- from the Tablet of Barack Hussein Obama II

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Phantom Menace

"Okay, okay, I admit it: the Internet is a hoax!" - Al Gore
  
"Life is a struggle to accept defeat." - Al Gore

"I've never understood: Why do the poor have children?" - Al Gore 

“You don't care about these people. You don't have any relationship with them at all other than the one you inherited. Get the fuck out of here.” - a mildly drunk Al Gore chases College Democrats out of a soup kitchen

"It's not that I don't want to give you money. I'll give you the money, whatever you want. I just don't want to acknowledge that we exist in the same universe." - Al Gore to a homeless person or Tipper

"Help me. Help my body.” - Al Gore

"At worst, love makes people who shouldn't feel good about themselves at all feel great about themselves for no reason. At best, it is a way for two people to reassure themselves that they are not crazy, that there is some one else who understands just how bad things really are." - Al Gore

“Anyone who denies their own same sex attractions is a hypocrite and a hick.” – a mildly drunk Al Gore delivers the 2006 Maryville College commencement speech before trying to kiss the provost

"You know, I'm not sure I'll ever get laid again. Or want to. Handsome as I am (and I am too vain not to regard myself as handsome), I fear that my corporeal decrepitude has taken me out of the game for good. No matter how interesting and charming some one is, if their body is repulsive, they will be alone forever, sexually at least. I know this is true because it's true for me: I cannot desire anyone with a body like mine, and so I do not expect anyone to desire me. I could change my life in an effort to become desirable, but why? I've been lucky enough to experience reciprocated romantic love once, and that will have to do. If I'm unlucky in love, I am lucky in friendship. Thank God I have you all to help me through it." - Al Gore to his dollhouse

"Girls have it more often!" - George W. Bush, soft but loud in Al Gore's ear

"Make love, goddamnit,  real love!" - Al Gore yelling at the television during the Super Bowl XLVII blackout

“Why did you do it?”
“I’m a gambling addict.”
- Michael Jordan and Al Gore, watching their children scavenge garbage off Space Jam Highway

"I spend most my life wishing I were dead." - Al Gore

"Every time I trim my beard, no matter how little I take off, I am immediately overcome with regret, and what's worse is that no one else seems to notice the change, it's just a horrible, existential stain that only I can see, and it gets the point where, lacking the ratification of my self-perception by others, I hardly even know what's real any more." - Al Gore to Ted Nugent

"If you just structure your life around having regular, tidy bowel movements, everything else locks into place." - Al Gore, in fluent Japanese, in an onsen at the base of Mt. Fuji, December 29, 1989