Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Five-Day War

"The Stupidity of random violence must be countered with the irresistible power of Organized Stupidity." - Barack Obama

"I'm having a beer for breakfast. Wake me when Murder Week is over." - Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, trapped in their Allston apartment

"It’s like a snow day except instead of going outside to sled you have to stay in all day eating your own feces." - Casey Affleck 

"The important thing is that whether a man is hunting police or being hunted by police, no matter where, the entire city will cower."
- Terminator Ray Kelly

"Never send a cop to do a drone's job." - Robert Mueller

"There can be no stand-up after Boston." - Conan O'Brien

"Are you following the news?!"
"I'm following myself, this is all about me."
- Twitter, Facebook

"Reinhart and Rogoff remain at large!" - Reddit vigilante Paul Krugman

"You guys, thirty-two people died in a bombing in Baghdad on Thursday--"
- Wolf Blitzer loses it on an intern

"April of 2013 shall forever be remembered as the month that the Senate approved Patriot Act Funding for Boston." - Sen. Mark Pryor

"I think we need to take this tragedy as an opportunity to reflect, and not only to reflect but to ensure that reasonable gun laws have no chance of passing." - Sen. Chevy Cruz

"The truth is that our society is populated by an unknown number of genuine Murder Bros... and fertilizer." - Wayne LaPierre

"What droll allegory." - Tommy Lee Jones on the shit factory fire that destroyed the West

"I'm confident, and West proves it, that capitalism will always kill most efficiently." - Tony Hayward

"Today terror has a name and that name is Miranda." - Eric Holder

"Some will say that even if there was an ideological dimension to these crimes, at bottom they were the deeds of troubled, misguided, despairing young men. I say to you, what are all angry young men but terrorists?" - Sen. John McCain

"Words cannot express how moved I am that the bombers are Chechen." - Vladimir Putin

“What makes this 'terrorism' as opposed to, like, just a massacre, like Columbine?”
“Well, bro, I mean, like, Chechens aren’t exactly white, you know...”
- Steven Tyler and Mark Wahlberg

"Acts of terrorism may once have been effective as means of getting across a political message, but at this point in history it is so abundantly clear that any intended message is so foredoomed to being misunderstood that anyone who commits such acts must actually not want to be understood. Massacres like this are mute cries to deaf ears." - Janet Napolitano

“What we owe the dead is answers. Too late.” - CNN

"What is it about brown flesh that I cannot feel the pain it feels?"
- George W. Bush, ruefully to himself as he cradles his newborn grandchild in his arms

"And so, after taking half of Boston hostage for the day, the police only got their man after--and as a direct result of--setting their prisoners free. Now, this may make it seem like it was pointless, even counter-productive, to ground half the city all for the sake of finding one man, but trust me, it worked splendidly: no one else got killed by police."
- Ed Davis

“One day this will make a great Kathryn Bigelow film.” - Kathryn Bigelow

"The joie de vivre in Boston today is insufferable. The sun is brighter, the air smells sweeter, the fucking food tastes better." - Jonathan Richman

"Hey, bro, you can wake up. Murder Week is over."
"Finally! Time to kick back, relax, have a few beers and--CHINESE EARTHQUAKE!"
- Damon and Affleck in Allston-Hell

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