Dr. Horse, hard at work on his dissertation.
Lifehack: Don't go to grad school. This is the first and greatest Lifehack.
Lifehack: Control the means of production and extract the surplus labor value of others.
Lifehack: Talk is cheap, feelings are cheaper, invisible Third World labor is cheapest.
Lifehack: Might – plus "humanitarian intervention" – makes right.
Lifehack: Identify the Crimean Peninsula in your life and just take it.
Lifehack: Socially liberal, fiscally conservative.
Lifehack: Calling yourself "libertarian" makes you a cool Republican.
Lifehack: Calling yourself “liberal” means you can have your cake and eat it too.
Lifehack: The purpose of the liberal arts is to teach the Chinese nouveau riche how to spend their money.
Lifehack: The purpose of history is to provide a theodicy of the present.
Lifehack: The highest form of politics is styling the pattern of your consumption choices.
Lifehack: Like everything but country and rap.
Lifehack: Be dumb in a zeitgeist-appropriate way, and mighty forces will rush to your aid.
Lifehack: Turn every discussion to first principles in order to protect vested interests.
Lifehack: When in doubt, rationalize.
Lifehack: The status quo is the first mover.
Lifehack: Bourgeois feminism, right-wing Deleuzianism, post-racism.
Lifehack: White privilege, patriarchy, habitus, fossil fuels, unrestricted drone warfare.
Lifehack: Guns, religion, waves of topical hysteria.
Lifehack: Fuck the planet.
Lifehack: Global warming is real, but it won't affect you.
Lifehack: Evolutionary psychology isn't real, but that won't affect you.
Lifehack: Viewed from the standpoint of geological time, oceans are enormous mouths that open and close over the course of millenia.
Lifehack: Natura non contristatur.
Lifehack: Reality is violence on every level. Dissimulation of this is just another form of violence.
Lifehack: Violence is just a flimsy metaphor masking the lassitude and inertia at the heart of reality.
Lifehack: Smoking is only the most visible and stylized way in which you are being poisoned by your environment.
Lifehack: Start smoking and never stop.
Lifehack: Hold your joy close, like a knife to your throat.
Lifehack: The copper in a penny is worth more than a penny.
Lifehack: Copper melting in a veterinary crematorium.
Lifehack: The price to gentrify is to criticize gentrification.
Lifehack: The wind will carry you, if you're white.
Lifehack: Test prep culture.
Lifehack: Gamify, medicalize, nostalgize.
Lifehack. You don’t have to wear a uniform to be a cop. You can be a cop in your spare time. You can be a cop to your friends. You can be a cop to your family. You can be a cop to your lover. You can be a cop in your own head. Anyone can be a cop.
Lifehack: New York City is the worst place possible except that all other places are even worse.
Lifehack: Plunge into the everydayness characteristic of Dasein and never look back.
Lifehack: Late at night, animal closeness is good enough.
Lifehack: If you try hard, you can feel the Internet.
Lifehack: Trade time for space, stuff, and symbol. Sardanapalize.
Lifehack: The world is your earbuds.
Lifehack: The world is your comment thread.
Lifehack: The world is your black site.
Lifehack: The world is your coltan mine.
Lifehack: The world is your Kola Superdeep Borehole.
Lifehack: The world is your deep-sea oil-well.
Lifehack: The world is your Carter doctrine.
Lifehack: The world is your combat zone cleared for drone strikes.
Lifehack: Robots can’t commit war crimes.
Lifehack: The world is your ground to stand.
Lifehack: The world is yours to stop and frisk.
Lifehack: The world is your brownstone.
Lifehack: The world is your gingerbread house.
Lifehack: The world is your gallows.
Lifehack: Best is never to be born at all; second best is to die quickly.
Lifehack: Sleeping on your left side wears your heart out quicker.
Lifehack: If you believe your dentist, try sunlight.
Lifehack: Boxed wine.
Lifehack: Functional alcoholism.
Lifehack: Do shut up. The game now is how much infinity we can stack against you.
Lifehack: The aphorism doesn’t matter. Literature and scholarship don’t matter. Words don’t matter. Only these Lifehacks – and David Brooks – matter.
Lifehack. Everyone's a critic, but how many are willing to pick up a gun and become actual cops?