I. Just Putin
"We can be heroes, just for one day." - Putin
"War is the continuation of Olympics by other means." - Putin
"Rearguard actions against history are the only way I can get hard now."- Putin
"Deep down I know that I am evil, and secretly I wish to die." - Putin
"Forgive not lest ye be forgiven." - Putin
"Psychospherism. Imperial formerism/futurism. Rat fuck shit heel buffer statism. Lad grab power power plant hospitalism. Copism. Manism. Russia to the rescue. A context for invasion. A language we can understand." - Putin, notes on the back of a napkin at the Sochi nightclub Light Brigade
"What happens to Wilsonian self-determination after the linguistic turn?" - Putin, guest lecture, Yale University INRL 489e: Post-modern Sovereignties
"Nations aren't sovereign, national interests are sovereign." - Putin ordering blackshirts to seize an airport in Crimea, or Obama ordering a robot to blow-up a wedding in Pakistan
"Koni is the finest bitch." - Putin on his dog, Koni
II. Everyone Else
"Let's fuck Kiev style!" - Jay Carney with a young starlet, lighting his condom on fire
"I want to be your Leader now!" - Yulia Tymoshenko
"We will protect this statue of Lenin with our lives." - Simferopol Russians
"White people shouldn't quarrel in this way." - Angela Merkel
"At this point things have gotten so darn bad that any American lady would let Putin take her flower." - Sarah Palin
"We have come now to the End of Days." - John Kerry, Ambien zombie loose in Kiev
"What's important is that we not miss the opportunity to demonize Edward Snowden in all this." - Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn
"This is bullshit! We should have infinite and omniscient technical power." - Official Washington Response to Intelligence Services during Crimea Crisis
"Yo send me your credit card info so I can vote for you in the Crimean referendum." - your CCP Princeling friend from college in the Northeast
"The Slavs will always betray one another." - Slavoj Zizek to an Indonesian taxi driver in Abu Dhabi
Russian Troops Seize Temple Mount, Utah!
"Practically every hit song on Crimean radio in the past 15 years was written by Putin." - Bob Costas
"He haz zee crazed eyes."
"So are you saying doctor that the Russian president may have reached such a frenzy of megalomania that he believes his desires influence the wills of men?"
- Wolf Blitzer, in the Situation Room
"War is always the answer." - Madeline Albright to Patrick Stewart after an awkward silence
"I don't feel outrage so much as envy." - John McCain, launching simulated ICBM's at Sevastapol from the Congressional War Games room
"Westphalia!" - Harry Wales dies valiantly impaled upon a rake
"(overly linear conception of history + conception of politics as fundamentally about ideas rather than the reality) x (pathological Need to Always Be Correct) = disaster" - Christopher Hitchens, David Horowitz, Horst Mahler, Nick Land, et al.
"Being an altar boy taught me a lot about what the law was supposed to serve." - C.J. Roberts
"I have so much love to give but the Syrian government won't let me give it!" - a housewife after drowning her children in the bathtub while listening to BBC news
"Dad says anarchy sux!" - Tagg debating crusties at the mall
"Development is theft." - Bill Gates
"...Why did we make all this? ...Why do we preserve it?... Doesn't it deserve to be destroyed?" - FDR, quietly to himself atop the Empire State Building
"I will see every man, woman, and child dead. I will see the fields turn to ash and the seas turn to acid. There is no measure I will not take, no consequence I am not willing to accept, as long as it completes the Algorithm." - Justine Tunney
"Money extends the actual into the abstract. It is both real and imaginary: real because imaginary, imaginary because real. Money records what we have done in the past, what we will do in the future, and it allows us to relate these actions (these times, these destinies) to each other in the present. Money is the memory of the world, and the great networks of monetary exchanges taking place at light-speed around the globe are really nothing but a World-Brain or Oversoul. Therefore the judgement of money really is, in a sense, the judgement of God." - Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto
"Gather round the telegraph, boys, I do believe we killed them all!" - Abraham Lincoln and the gang await news from Vicksburg
"Those who reenact the past are doomed to trivialize it." - Al Gore singlehandedly breaks up the Gettysburg Anniversary National Civil War Battle Reenactment on motorcycleback
Climate Change Leaves DC Vulnerable to 'Malaria and Island Ritualism'!
"Played a game of 'category' with a bunch of liberals this weekend. The category was national capitals. They wouldn't accept Ramallah but would accept Taipei."
"Your friends were right. The capital of Palestine is Jerusalem."
"There is a Sexy Saigon City in the heart of every liberal."
- David Brooks and Paul Krugman
"Honestly the whole thing seems like a shadow play to me. National liberation reduced to making the 'right' decision in market terms. Not that such terms aren't real and important. On the contrary, they are: that's what's so depressing." - Gordon Brown discussing Scottish independence at the Bearded John Club
"In the gravity waves we can see that this universe had a beginning, and so we also see that it will have an end." - entirety of Barack Obama's unscheduled address to the nation
"Anakin, the Clintons are evil!" - Maureen Dowd shaking Bill deBlasio by the shoulders
"I will do all in my power to serve you."
"We value your service Mr. Gore, but we do not approve of your sorcery."
"Ministers, I am but a Sorcerer's Apprentice."
- Al Gore defects to Iran
"If Shanghai did not exist, it would be a dream in the mind of Shoggoth." - DreamWorks Animation CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg
"If I did not exist, bathroom graffitti would have invented me." - Bill Clinton
"Joy is an animal doing what it is trained to do." - Liam Neeson talking about carriage horses or maybe just about himself
"I would never lay hands on an animal." - Harrison Ford
IV. The People's Wagon
Aerial view of the Chattanooga Volkswagen factory where factory workers recently voted to rid themselves of the filters diluting the true stream of power. Industrious workers, the hand that shakes yours wears no glove!
"Why wash your brother when you could spit in his face?" - Chattanooga auto workers
"A vote for yourself is a vote for Stalin!" - TN State Sentor Bo Watson
"J'accuse!" - Sen. Bob Corker to his grandchild upon discovering that they are out of ginger ale
"I am the Betsy Pickle of the ruling class!" - David Denby addressing the Harvard Club
"I am the Betsy Picke of the ruling class!" - A. O. Scott addressing the Park Slope Food Co-Op
"I am the Betsy Pickle of the ruling class!" - Betsy Pickle addressing Chatannooga auto workers
"My immediate surroundings are the final form of universal human history and my personal experiences are identical with Absolute knowledge." - the Hickocratic Oath
"Everyone today knows and accepts that lefties tend to be artists and intellectuals and other kinds of individuals who, at best, are makers of decoration and ephemera, and, at worst, are simple parasites upon those who actually get things done. Why is this? Is it because they are Left that they are unproductive? Or is it because they are unproductive that they are Left?" - Dick Cheney
"I've invented a time machine but it only works in one direction. It's called the guillotine and it only takes us to the future." - Robespierre
V. Love in the Age of Autonomous Robot Swarms
"People in the future will pay $10K just to go on a date with a normal human being." - Peter Thiel, Fortune Brainstorm 2014, Official Inaugural Prediction
"Every victory is a defeat when the game is played this way." - Edward Snowden swiping through the human-robot dating app Cinder
"I want YOU to FUCK!" - U.S. Department of Population Management propaganda poster dated to the late pre-Private Currency Wars period
"The only way out of this military sexual assault crisis is more drones." - Sen. Lindsay Graham
"No one will ever believe you." - Bill Murray on sexual harassment
"Ain't no love on Skull Fuck Island, Mitt." - cycloptic cyborg prison guard James Carville to a captive Mitt Romney on tropical island penal colony Skull Fuck Island
"I appreciate this award for Sexiest Fed Chairman Ever but I don't understand why I'm being demeaned in this way." - Ben Bernanke, Last Federal Reserve National Meeting
"Facebook is the most advanced technology every created for the purpose of self-deception."
"What about the stock market?"
- Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg before high-fiving
Republic of Crimea Thrives Post-Secession on Webcam Economy
"Your proclaimed political values are to the way you actually live your life as pornography is to sex." - Karl Marx
"Let some get laid first." - motto of the Davos Pros Club
"Seduction is essentially coercion." - Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, plea agreement
"Hate is the past tense of love." - Oscar Pistorius
"Wanna just take turns with the goat?" - Roger Clinton to his brother Billy after a full day of lookin' under every stone, branch, and bush for a woman
"My bedsheets look like the Constitution!" - Clarence Thomas
"Grad school is a zoo, and the grad students are pandas: an escalating feedback loop of awkwardness and embarrassment, culminating in the failure to breed. You're like the actual Chinese panda missing part of his ear and she's the raised in captivity panda, and you both can't fuck unless there's cameras and 15 master keepers dressed up like you cheering and grasping for Sex." - Professor Amy Chua dodging a question about her prior work on post-colonial democracy to address a group of idle female students in the 3rd row
"I sat by the ocean and drank a potion, baby, to erase you." - Al Gore on tour with Queen of the Stone Age