Thursday, January 16, 2014

How Do You See Yourself, Actually

"The Savior of Russia." - Putin

"Anti-Pussy Riot." - Mikhail Khodorkovsy

"Christopher Nolan's Batman." - Barack Obama

"Prom King for Life." - Bill Clinton

"The main character in a Bruce Springsteen song. Maybe from one of the second tier albums." - Chris Christie

"As a plate of Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes." - Al Gore

"Definitely not evil." - Larry Page

"The reincarnation of the severed ghost samurai head in 'Zombie Nation' on the NES." - Shinzo Abe

"A living incarnation of the amorality of the profit motive." - the Bacardi corporation

"A winner!" - Fidel

"Fulfilling a prophecy!" - Dennis Rodman screaming 2 inches from Matt Lauer's face

"Not in the same whole as fucking Matt Lauer." - Katie Couric

"The girl everyone in the sorority can trust to keep their secrets and Alpha Delta Epsilon safe." - the NSA

"As some sort of giantoid asexual being, consuming and fucking all out of the same orifice."  - Karl Rove, Sensory Deprivation Decider Chamber, Bush Presidential Library, University Park, TX

"Oh, I'm just a regular bloke." - Prince Charles, Changeling ritual (as a bear), Hidden Oak Park

"Cattle." - the 2014 NFL Draft Class

"I see myself as a particularly compelling reboot of an already existing intellectual property." - White Male, ages 13-49

"A hero." - Salman Rushdie

"An artist." - Shia LaBoeuf

"A man." - Camille Paglia

"My son Tagg's greatest hero." - Mitt

"I look in the mirror and I don't see anything." - Michael Bay storming off stage

"Lucky to be remembered as sellout rather than as not really a great actor." - Patrick Stewart

"Miley." - Bieber

"Miley." - Billy Ray Cyrus

"Miley." - Mitch McConnell

"Woody Allen." - Roman Polnaski

"Lena Dunham." - Judd Apatow

"Anne Frank." - Anne Hathaway

"As the star of my own meme." - a doomed generation

"Drinking corn mash out of an expensive boot." - the Editors

"Aha! No, you won't trick me. That's the trap." - Antonio Banderas, windsurfing with Juan Carlos

"Through a glass, darkly." - George W. Bush


  1. So Chris Christie sees himself as the guy who could, until very recently, throw that speed ball by ya, make you look like a fool, boy?

  2. Rabbi Jack Moline: Rabbi Simcha Bunam used to say, "Every person should have two pockets. In one, [there should be a note that says] bishvili nivra ha'olam, 'for my sake was the world created.' In the second, [there should be a note that says] anokhi afar va'efer, 'I am dust and ashes.' One must know how to use them, each one in its proper place and right time. For many make the mistake of using them in their opposite applications." That is to say, too often, when we should be acknowledging our arrogance, we are defending it. And when we should be overcoming our self-denigration, we are confirming it.

    Jacob Needleman, Money and the Meaning of Life: "A Freudian psychoanalyst once summed up to me his vision of the human condition by saying that man is not as bad as he thinks he is, nor can he become as good as he dreams of becoming. The assumption of this book is precisely the opposite of the psychoanalytic view: man is in far worse condition than he believes, but he can become far greater than he imagines."

    Jeffrey M. Schwartz,A Return to Innocence: Philosophical guidance in an age of cynicism: "We often hear the phrase 'Knowledge is power' -- but nowhere is it truer than when it comes to knowledge of ourselves."