Sky Mall, New Year 2015(A Story Book About Your Child1)

A welcome alternative to napping on

The cold floor or hard cement patio:²

The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock.³

Breath operates up to 24 hours

In the low mode,⁴ standing safely on the floor.⁵

It hauls you out of bed every morning⁶

Without the requisite frostbite,⁷ makes any

Home feel like it has been transported.⁸

Large animals that cause false signals⁹ turn

Good intentions into lifelong habits.¹⁰

Hold it firmly in place without scratching,¹¹

Emit the finest mist,¹² roll effortlessly

To the curb¹³ your outdoor breathing experience.¹⁴

You know your baby looks good enough to eat,¹⁵

Will claw his way out of your garden plot.¹⁶

Let your little one burn some rubber¹⁷

Dreams of bones circling around his head.¹⁸

Project your life:¹⁹ the next best thing to the womb²⁰

Will make your neighbors and passersby look twice.²¹

Children quickly learn the virtues of life²²

Without soldering, wiring or programming.²³

YEEEE-HA! Your kids will wrangle like true cowboys²⁴

There's no cord to hide,²⁵ no tools required²⁶

Be a hero even when you sleep—²⁷

Brilliant displays of iron nerve²⁸

Illuminate the night with a personal touch.²⁹

NEW! Women need their own signs too,³⁰ anything

With a void becomes a speaker.³¹ What's your passion?³²

Get all your knives sharpened,³³ cut

The cord this winter.³⁴ Your hometown's in pieces!³⁵

Look who the trees are rooting for!³⁶ Consider

A faux tree³³ that repeats anything said

To it back in a cartoonish voice.³⁷ In all

My years as a private detective, I've never

Seen anything like this,³⁸ the faceless watch,³⁹

Reactive surfaces³⁸ (these overworked

Garden friends,²¹ made with a tender verse⁴⁰)

Make a grand statement in a snap.⁴¹

Who needs a doorbell, or even a knocker?⁴²

Who needs a doorbell

                                    or even a knocker?

   - Tojir Tangriev, lyric interlude, 28th Congress of the CPSU

Items advertised, with reference page from Holiday 2014 Sky Mall, and price:

[1] My Adventure Books (17, $19.99-$39.99)

[2] Pet Bed (71, $224.99-$249.99)

[3] The Giant Display Atomic Wall Clock (119, $129.95)

[4] Roolen Breath Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier (61, $129.99)

[5] High-Reach Cleaning Kit (70, $39.99)

[6] Star Trek Projector Clock (45, $59.95)

[7] Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt (149, $14.95)

[8] The Voice Activated R2-D2 (18, $199.95)

[9] Duty Cycle Probe Alert-2500 (136, $319.99)

[10] Garmin Vivofit Fitness Bracelet (104, $129.99-$169.99)

[11] Quilted Ironing Mat (69, $9.98)

[12] H9 Aroma Therapy Tower Humidifier (70, $299.99 (+$5*))

[13] Two Train Reaction® Luggage Devices (126, $19.99)

[14] RZ Facemask (104, $29.95)

[15] Tortilla Baby Swaddle Blanket (16, $47.99)

[16] "The Zombie of Montclaire Moors"© Statue (41, $99.95 (+$5*))

[17] Battery Operated Ride-On Motorcycle (21, $109.95)

[18] Day Dreamers Puppy (39, $24.99)

[19] Philips Picopix Projector (109, $399.99)

[20] Hushamok Baby Hammock with Stand (59, $599.99 (+$15*))

[21] Skel-E-Gnomette Woman, Skel-E-Gnome Man, Skel-E-Dog (42, $39.95-$54.95)

[22] My Friend Huggles Doll (16, $49.99)

[23] littleBits Deluxe Kit (17, $199.00)

[24] Benny the Jumping Bull (19, $44.99)

[25] Battery-Powered LED Lamp (60, $19.98)

[26] MyLight.me Bed Light (48, $59.99)

[27] Batman One-Piece pajama with Cosplay Hood, Superman Cami Panty Set, etc. (146, $29.99-$49.99)

[28] Aviator Wall Sign (44, $89.95)

[29] Uniqia Personalized Night Light (49, $24.99-$34.99)

[30] Diva Sign, Lady's Lair Sign (139, $24.99)

[31] Mighty Boom Ball (117, $24.99)

[32] Electric Logos (147, $49.95-$59.95)

[33] ClearVision Television Network (4)

[34] Snow Joe® Cordless 18-Inch Snow Blower with Brushless Motor, Rechargeable EcoSharp Li-Ion Battery and Charger (136, $399.99 (+$10*))

[35] Graphic Map Puzzle, Aerial Photo Puzzle (25, $39.95-$49.95)

[36] Player Faces (148, $23.99)

[37] The Talk Back Mimicking Tomcat (18, $39.95)

[38] e-Race for Smartphones (112, $29.99)

[39] The Faceless Watch (118, $99.95)

[40] Pet Tiding Stone (39, $23.99)

[41] 24" Regal Christmas Pre-Lit Urn Filler (10, $59.99)

[42] Doorbell Broken Yell Ding Dong Doormat (137, $19.95)