Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Two, Three, Many Scotlands



“The Scottish question distresses the bien-pensant liberals of all countries, not just those of Great Britain, because it lays bare the visceral contempt with which the model of the neoliberal, Anglo-American state is regarded even by its own citizens and, what is in fact much worse, dares betray that alternatives to it are possible, that this regime of misery and idiocy is over if you want it to be.” - Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, VICE columnist

“One can perceive in the desperate tenacity with which people cling to the pettiest of their pleasures proof of the essential badness of life. It is for this reason that the importance of nationalism can never be dismissed, analytically or normatively. Miserable as they are, porcelain bulldogs, Dr. Who, the Royals, Big Ben are our last line of defense against the Void. Thus we shall retain Scotland in the same manner as the Dutch acquired New Amsterdam: with a handful of trinkets.”
- Alistair Darling

“Much as mankind tries to put nationalism behind it, what do the kaleidescopic proliferation of fractures in every otherwise consolidated political bloc on the question of Scottish independence reveal but the persistence of the Nation, real and ineffable?” - Prince Charles to Vladimir Putin

“Nationalism is capitalism with a human face stapled to it.”
- Margaret Thatcher

“Nationalism is a reprehensible corruption of family worship.”
- the Queen

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.” - David Cameron, in response to a BBC reporter's question on when he thinks Scotland will be ready for independence.

“Every once in a while a man is asked to risk it all and stop a breached dam with his finger. For the Union, I am that finger.” - Gordon Brown, Sideways Peas Public House

“It’s better to be a concubine than a prostitute.” - George Galloway

“What one cannot seize and hold, one does not deserve to have.”
- Edward I

“To escape the trash-heap of liberal capitalism, humanitarian imperialism, and environmental degradation, everything is necessary, and anything is permissible – even Scotch.” - Ayatollah Khomeini

"If you stay you can take the Trident nuclear subs out past 10 o'clock." - David Cameron

“Only through the denial of others can we come to tolerate ourselves.”
- Morrissey

“I loved you when you were worthy of it; but since you have become a parricide, a firebug, a mountebank, a charioteer, I hate you as you deserve.” - David Bowie

“Macca's 'Temporary Secretary' taught me what it means to feel British and love the Queen.” - Rod Stewart

“You could have had it all!” - Boris Johnson to Edinburgh

"One Scotland? A thousand Scotlands!" - Jeff Bezos, Silicon Valley Secessionist Union

"Surely, part of me is Scottish..." - Prince Harry amasses powder and men in Glasgow

“Would you see an independent Scotland drown in the tears of its Queen?” - Piers Morgan, crying with rage, alone in the shower

“But I’m fertile!” - Kate

“Fear the rebirth of the dragon, and fear his demand of his weight in silver.” - HRH

"Her sex was like the fighter aces of the Great War." - Martin Amis' rejected submission to No Campaign

“Who would betray the Thunder Chattel betrays the nation.” - IOC Vice-President Sir Craig Reedie

“Th-they never loved me! Let’s do this guys! England will never again win Wimbledon but I DID!”
“Right, Andy.”
- Andy Murray, a bored Adidas handler, a disgraced ENT doc on back-spasm watch, an empty condo complex in Miami, a TV tuned to CNN, Sprite, one or more Malcolm Gladwell books, two competing records for Instagram checks in an hour, greasy discarded ointment tubes, power cleaned high fiber density carpeting, Papa Johns pineapple and mushroom (XL) 5 slices, Avatar hanging out of the Asus, the Saltire proudly magneted to the fridge.

“Scottish independence is the political liberation movement equivalent of getting drunk at a wedding and sleeping with someone you didn't know was your second cousin." - Sinn Feinn Official Statement

“Yeah, do it for the Falklands.” - Cristina Kirchner

“Well, we submitted the results of our referendum to Westminster years ago, but since no one could read it, we're still British.” - Dylan Thomas

“I believe in the authenticity of this referendum about as much as Samuel Johnson believed in the authenticity of the Ossian Cycle.”
- Terry Eagleton

"What! We're holding a referendum?! Why wasn't I briefed?"
"We're conducting this referendum on a need to know basis, James."
- Sean Connery and Mel Gibson

“You mean people are allowed to vote on that sort of thing?”
- Hillary Clinton

“We literally have nothing. Abandon yourself with erotic satisfaction to the sheer intellectual poverty you behold in our ‘advice-columns’ to the Scottish.” - establishment liberals of other countries

“What Palestinians must come to terms with is that liberal America only has room in its heart for one Tibet.” - Natalie Portman

“If only the Kurds were Buddhist, or if only California were full of fake Muslims.” - Henry Kissinger

“We'll take on the national debt of Scotland, no problem.” - Harvard Board of Trustees

“Why don't they just submit their request for statehood to the UN like a civilized nation?” - Mahmoud Abbas

“Without the Scottish, England will finally be conservative enough to apply for statehood.” - Rick Perry

“Adam Smith is long overdue to accede to his rightful place on a currency”. - Rand Paul

“This referendum is going to set our flag back 300 years!” - St. George

“You know it’s the right thing to do because all the villains are against it.” - Brian Cox

“Racism, that's the only explanation.” - Erdogan to Merkel, as overheard by GCHQ

“Half a league onward, boys!” - from an open letter to Scottish Parliament, signed by the new government of Crimea

“You never really leave England because England is Everywhere, England is Hell, You are England, and This Is It.” - President Obama, commencement speech at St. Andrew’s

“Okay, okay, my last offer. I’ve worked it out, and if you vote to stay with us, each and every one of you will wake up to find Franz Ferdinand’s complete discog in your iTunes, on your phones. We’ll take a jog and clear our heads, all right?” - David Cameron

“Well, I’d like you to eat it.”
“It’s--it’s not ready.”
“It’s insurance.”
“Why, if I eat this you’ll recon--”
- Alex Salmond, David Cameron, address to an uncooked haggis, eve of the election, Aberdeenshire

“Nobody cares that The Sun is eliminating Page 3, then?” - Sean Bean

2 comments:

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