"Why else this great ocean, but as a monument to Death?" - Zheng He discovers the Pacific
"Order the collection of all the guns and children!" - Obama, dressed in white robes, to his Cabinet
"I'm a big fucking cop. Lick me. I'm your Dad." - Joe Biden to the NRA
"Tyler Perry's Minister of Culture and Matt Damon's gonna fuck all your wives!" - Sean Hannity
"If she were a man... I tremble at the thought..." - Prince Harry on Gabby Douglas
"But honestly, teach your sons not to rape." - Bill Pullman in a very special episode of 1600 Penn
"Strap him into the Womb Machine!" - Sandra Fluke
"I am truly the comeliest maiden in all the lands." - Goldilocks Boehner
"Gentlemen, we've discovered where God lives, and we have the means with which to kill Him." - a multi-racial and -gender group of scientists, as dreamed by Robert Oppenheimer
"Real progress in the humanization of Medicine will only occur when all surgeons are replaced by drones." - Dr. Sanjay Gupta
"Churches are no longer tax exempt! Soon there will be no more free refills and the people, paupers!" - Mike Huckabee, Boise
"Real black politicians!" - Corey Booker awakes with a start at Zuckerberg Palace
"I don't think we can fuck our way out of this one, Billy." - Roger and Bill Clinton, cornered on Space Isle Lesbos
"The Golden Gate Bridge is on fire!"
"That's not possible."
"Can't you see it?!"
"Ah. Coltan. Blood."
- Gavin Newsom addressing Jerry Brown while morphing into Bradley Cooper
"Jon, darling, wake up!"
"Xu Lin... Where am I?"
"You're here with me, honey."
"But where are we?!"
"Jon, calm down, you were having a nightmare."
"You kept tossing and turning and you started shouting in English."
"I... I had the most terrible dream... Hong Fang and Liu Wei were trying to kill me..."
"Silly, why would Fang and Wei and way do that? Their job is to protect you. They're standing guard outside our door right now."
"The Triad--the Triad wanted me dead!"
"But, Jon where would the Triad be without you? And the Triad has given you everything in return: protection, this house, me..."
"That's just it, don't you see! They had me surrounded!"
"Jon. Come here. Let me hold you."
"You're right, my darling, you're right. I'm safe now. Back where I belong: in my beautiful home on this beautiful island, back in the loving embrace of--CHINESE GANGSTERS!!!"
- John Huntsman, gunned down in bed