David Cameron Addresses an Emergency Session of Parliament on Public Disorder

Plagiarized by the Past

"All that you can do in your life is decide--assuming that there is any part of your mind capable of free action and not entirely overdetermined by unconscious drives, ideological programming, or deterministic biological processes--to what larger historical tendency--of which you may not have any real knowledge--you will contribute your individual effort, while keeping in mind that every aspect of that tendency, including the efficacy of your own actions in and upon it, remains fundamentally outside of your control."
- Bill Clinton, If You Can Read This You're Lying, 2011

"Humans in modern societies are driven by a perhaps desperate hope that they might find some way of mobilising their theoretical and empirical knowledge and their evaluative systems so as both to locate themselves and their projects in some larger imaginative structure that makes sense to them, and to guide their actions to bring about what they would find be to satisfactory (or at any rate 'less unsatisfactory') outcome or to improve in some other way the life they live. Furthermore, many modern agents would like it to be the case that they form of orientation which their life has is, if not 'true,' at least compatible with the best available knowledge, and they would like the principles by which they guide their action to be in some kind of contact with reality, although anyone would be hard put to say precisely what was meant by that. Both the extent to which this hope is present in a certain group and the extent to which it can be realised are empirical matters, although one would have to be extremely sanguine to expect it to be realised to any significant extent."
- Raymond Geuss, Philosophy and Real Politics, 2008

Arab Fling

"You guys, everyone in Hama is dead!"
"Shut the fuck up--football's back on!"
- The Editors

"Consistency is counterrevolutionary. Blame is counterrevolutionary. Without opportunism, History stands still." - Barack Obama

"I eat cake so that you don't have to." - Col. Q

"The Madhi and I will run the sack race together in the illustrious temple of paradise!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
- Saif al-Islam el-Qadaffi, Khalid Kaim

"I can't believe this is happening! All I ever wanted was to feast until I die!" - Ali Abdullah Saleh

"The Egyptian Army is the new black." - the Spanish Police

"People are cops, too." - Field Marshall Tatwani

"Short outbursts of violence are meaningless libidinal expression. Naive enthrallment to myths of consistency, authenticity, and integrity. The illusion of action. Violence is pure image, and the pure image is that which can support any interpretation. Organized violence prevails because it is semiotically consolidated and leaves little room for alternative interpretation. The right-wing militia need not even act and it exerts spectacular influence, whereas the spontaneous occupation may undermine itself in acting. What's more, to command the language of violence requires, as with any language, mastery of its unwritten rules: subtext, dirty jokes, permissible exceptions. Unless they are willing to commit secretive, extralegal violence, the Liberals will never win. " - David Frost

What Is an Artist?

Classical musicians: Up-tight, ambitious squares. Doctors.

New Music musicians: Having implicitly resigned from the institutional rat race, they are the cool, if slightly embarrassing, high school teachers of the art world.

Rock musicians: Losers. Of all artists, they are the most likely to squander their entire life's potential in pursuit of their art, insensible to more socially meritorious endeavors (Actors take second prize).

Hip-hop musicians: The true Princes and soldiers of Pop.

Jazz musicians: Museum guards.

Composers: Academics.

Theater artists: Prissy, tasteless faggots (America). Rapists (Europe).

Novelists: Arrogant nebbishes who, regarding themselves more as public intellectuals than artists, are consequently inconsequential as either.

Short story writers: Civil servants, clerks, petty bureaucrats. Superfluous men.

Poets: Women.

Architects: Bootlickers, bishops, and Bolivarists.

Dancers: Inscrutable and insignificant, no one curious to know one who doesn't, they are the Mormons of the arts.

Filmmakers: Jocks, ringmasters, Romantic composers. The only truly popular artists, working in the only truly relevant artform.

Conceptual/media artists: Illiterate novelists, better dressed and funded.

Photographers: Journalists.

Designers: Not, to their credit, artists.

Painters/sculptors: Libidinal formalists carrying the torch of fucking and fighting for the entirety of the dead arts.

Charlie Rose Interviews Classic Golfer's Reasoning

"I'm taking my tie off because this is the pure shit. Arnold Palmer, the whole world in front of him, champion of golf, what wouldn't you fuck?" - Charlie Rose

"We did everything you could together. One time we experimented like Prussians on a drifter." - Phil Mickelson, on the verge of tears, discussing his departed golfing guru Green McKnave

"What so electrified people about your golf connection, you were looked on like lightning, are you a locomotive?" - Rose in the Last Rec Room

"Assess your swing, lord of metal."

"I had a system. I could feel the fear in the ball. Everything was like a tidal wave destroying a village, and I was the physic. I am the damn golf."
"An early influence, a violent encounter?"
"I learned my swing from an old blind veteran, who learned his from a negro what he freed during the War Between the States!"
"But that was just the beginning....?"
"One time, I'll tell you, me and Bob Drummond, you know the story..." ::Rose laughs knowingly:: "...I bogeyed after 12 games and Bob gave me his crystal driver..."
"Right, right..." ::chuckles::
"I drove the green 10,000 yards, 12 bronchial puts, a lard biter, and the crowd kept growing. Well, here comes old Bob. I says, 'What are you doing here?' He shoots my caddy with a mauser and we just broke up."
"Jack Nickalus: when did you meet, she sells, make it?"
"Well, Jack is younger than me and has the look of the hasidim. We really hit it off and became true foes. Charlie..." ::chuckles:: "...I'd sacrifice all my children to make him serve me the head of Tiger Woods like John the Baptist."
- Rose and Arnold Palmer

Among Men Only/Skinny Girls Whinging

"Let's get off!" - Jeff Goldblum, prepping on the set of The Fly

"Nah, bro, we can fuck each other as long as its part of the ritual!"
- Johann Gottfried von Herder to J. W. Goethe during the Rites of Naked Devilry

“Men are lonely, but women are objects.”
“You won’t be lonely when you’re dead.”
- Judd Apatow, Ryan Gosling

"I thought I had the VD the other day, but it turned out I just really had to pee."
"Yeah, well, my baby don't film me no more."
- Norman Mailer and Robert Frank eating cake

“Will you sink my battleship?” – Nick Clegg to David Cameron

"It was watching Basic Instinct that first got me interested in politics."
- Michele Bachmann

"Life begins at sodomy." - Michael Douglas

"Goddamn, four miles on the mill and the steel machine! The gym looks out over the pool, there was a sullen skinny brunette and a big nasty blonde!"
“Women are only beautiful when they cry.”
"I don't know, crying women frighten me. I think it stems from seeing my mother having a couple crying jags from the stress of getting screaming children to school."
"Entirely understandable. I probably would have killed you."
"Yeah, she handled it better than I would have. 'Senator Arrested for Smoking Joint with Children in HOV Lane.'"
"That puts me in mind of the time we smoked out your van."
"Oh, man, I got in trouble for that. Whatever, Mom and Dad, I got laid!"
- the Editors

“Whoever writes this piece of shit need to stop sublimated and just get on OK Cupid.” – Admiral Mike “Dad” Mullen

Manufactured and Unnecessary

"Hey, it's gonna work out, man, Giffords is here!"
"Wait, is that Pee-wee Herman?"
"Yeah! And Kurt Russell too!"
- Steny Hoyer and Jimmy Duncan

"Nothing like a good 'crisis,' right, Eric?" - Mitch McConnell breastfeeding Eric Cantor, Chaff Gardens, Bohemian Grove

"Can a man kill History as he would a Beast?" - Steve King to his astrologer

"The Legislative Branch brings to mind nothing less than a naked old man in a bathtub being attacked by a bat during a power outage." - George McGovern

"Am I Lula or just Paul Krugman?" - Barack Obama

"Today, I used a Canadian quarter to buy a slice and spent the rest of day in bed overcome with guilt, I thought I was going to die." - Paul Krugman

"Our only hope now is to build a giant abacus of skulls and drown our daughters in the sea." - Warren Buffet

"Unngghh, unngghhh, uuhhhh!!! The Light! Put it out!!!" - Michelle Bachmann enduring a crippling migraine

"I'll see you all next year at Beaver Creek!" - John Boehner from the deck of the USS Coconut, 112th Congress Send-Off Cruise