"Quittin' aint' admittin'."
"I'm so goddam disappointed. Soon they'll tell us all the blond women at Fox News have penises." - a distraught Kelsey Grammer
U.S. Doping Agency Announces Lance Armstrong to Receive Lifetime Achievement Award
"And our friendship? Was that chemically enhanced too?!" - Vince Vaughn, throwing his DVD of Dodgeball into the fireplace
"My sincerest congratulations to Mr. Armstrong." - Anders Breivik
Twenty Million Americans Convert to Islam in Wake of Armstrong Doping Scandal
"I never cheated at my sport." - Tom Brady, at his deluxe personal gym
"Another stain on my photographic legacy." - George W. Bush, shooting prairie dogs
"Whatever. Fuck your whole country." - François Hollande becoming interesting for one terrifying second
"For over a decade, I lived like a god. I was the strongest human being on the planet, I defeated every opponent I ever faced. I fucked what I wanted, when I wanted. I became world famous and I became incredibly, incredibly rich. I'm the greatest fucking villain that ever lived, and I don't regret a second of it." - Lance
